Have you ever wondered if you need therapy? So many people come across my path in the course of what I do with counseling, coaching, and podcasting, and they say similar things. They say, I thought about it, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go or I just don't know who to reach out to. I'm kind of afraid.
In fact, that came up in the membership community today when we had our live meetup this afternoon where the person in the membership was basically saying that they'd tried it in the past and it didn't go so well. And you know what? That is such a common thing that I've heard. In fact, I've done other podcasts on this topic, but I thought it was time to revisit it because I haven't revisited it in, in a while. So, if you're wondering if therapy can benefit you, I'm going to give you my top five reasons that you may want to consider it. I do not think that everybody needs to be in therapy, but I don't think it can hurt.
Finding a Good Therapist!
If you find a really good therapist, there's always something more that we can process. To have an empathic listener is really a good thing to make you feel very good inside, to finally be heard, to get those things out of your head and to be able to process them and then get some tools and things that might help you. I think that if you are willing to test out a few people, see who you're comfortable with, if you need to try more than one because you're not comfortable, or two or three, and find somebody that you are comfortable with that makes all the difference in the world. So, find somebody you feel you could come to trust; you don't have to trust them straight off, but if you could come to trust them or feel that they're competent in the field, that could be a really good start. You know, it said that the average time it takes between symptoms and seeking help is twelve years. That is way too long to hurt. That's all I've got to say. That is way too long to hurt.
5 Reasons Indicating It's Time to Go to Therapy
- How long have you been suffering with the same problem? One of my reasons that may indicate it's time to go to therapy is to think about how long you've been suffering with this same problem in one form or another. If this, whatever it is, fill in the blank, keeps coming up over and over again over months, or especially if it's coming up over and over again over years, it may be time to seek out therapy. The reason being, we have wounds. We live in a fallen world. It is not a flaw of you to have wounds. There are battle scars. You know, we are in the world, but not of it. And we can sometimes have the scars of living here, but actually, they're not always scars. Sometimes we think they're scars, we think we're past it, and then something triggers us and opens that wound back up and we realize, oh, wow, it was like just kind of scabbed over, and I wanted it to be a scar already, but it's still tender and it's still bloody. Sorry for being gross, but that's really what it is. It's like this has not been fully healed, and maybe a little bit of it has, but there's stuff underneath that still needs to be cleaned out so that it can be neatly folded away into one of those beautiful file folders in your brain, so to speak. Because your brain wants to make sense of things, it wants to resolve things, it wants to help you, but trauma overwhelms our nervous system, and that's why it can go on for years. Even though you can function in so many ways, there might be this tender spot that still hurts so badly. Basically, I think that if you've been hurting more than you've been feeling peace in your own skin, or you've been suffering more than you felt grounded, and in the present moment, therapy could be a really good help for that. It can release a lot of tension and allow you to process things that really need to be put to rest.
- Are you already thinking about therapy? The next reason that might indicate you want therapy is that you're thinking about it. Why I say that is because you wouldn't be thinking about it if everything were okay, right? If everything were just fine, would you really be thinking about, do I need therapy? It's just not something we think of when we start to ask ourselves that. If you're asking yourself, do I need therapy, there's a pretty good chance your system's trying to clue you into something.
- Are you spilling onto other people? A reason you might want to seek out therapy is that you're spilling onto other people. You yell at your kids, you can't control your emotions, you're having difficulty sleeping, you're having difficulty in your relationships, or you're going through a rough transition. If there's stuff that is causing you to more or less just lose it on the people around you, to kind of just blow your volcano, blow your stag, or break out in tears for no apparent reason or out of proportion to what is going on, or that the typical person might be doing that might be an indicator that therapy would be good for you.
- Has someone told you that you need therapy? When someone else says, hey, you might want to look into this, it might be good for you, they're probably picking up on some stuff that either you are ignoring, you're brushing aside, or they are aware of that you're not, or maybe you are, and you don't want them saying that. Now, if there's somebody who always turns things back on you and tries to make it your fault, and you're like, no, this is not something I need, it's them who needs it. You know, they are not the healthy person they like to pretend they are, and this is their stuff, not mine, then that's fine. But if they are somebody you trust, somebody you care about, somebody who knows you and cares about you, there's a really good shot that it might be time to consider therapy.
- Do you have someone who offers you unconditional positive regard? Therapists are trained to give unconditional positive regard. How often do we have that in life? So that's a good enough reason to go, too. When you have unconditional positive regard from somebody who the agenda is all about you and everything going well for you instead of for them, where you don't owe them anything, but possibly your insurance, insurance payment or your copay. It's a good deal because you get to process with somebody who is not in the same dynamics. So, they can see the crazy making that you might be experiencing from other people. They can see where maybe you need some healing or some tools that could help you with that, or some techniques for how to manage some stressful things. They know how to help you through that. And if you're too afraid to tell them your stuff, that's okay. If you tell them you're afraid to tell them your stuff, they'll work with you to help you feel safer, and then they'll work with you to decide which is the safest thing to address first. Maybe you just address a little bit of it, and then you see that they were trustworthy, and you realize you can tolerate it and you build up from there.
There are many ways to go about therapy, so I don't want you to get hung up on the fact that you don't know what to expect, or you're afraid of finding the wrong person, and that you know somehow it means something is wrong with you. Do you know that it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It's simply means that you live in a world that is fallen. We get wounded in this world.
We are warriors. We are in battle all the time, and sometimes we get to rest, and sometimes we heal, and sometimes we're kind of reprieved from the battlefield, and that's great. A lot of the time, we need to have some support, and if you're not getting that ability to process with somebody who can make it all about your needs and stay attuned to you and help you through it, and not make you feel stupid for it, not make you feel bad for it, in fact, help you understand things even better. That is a really good thing to have.
My Personal Experience of Finding a Good Therapist!
As I mentioned, this came up in our membership community, and we were talking about it. I'm going to tell you that I went to, oh gosh, four or five therapists before I found the one for me. I'm going to give you the example of two who were definite not-going-back-there-people. One of them came out 20 or 25 minutes late to get me from the waiting room at our first appointment. Her hair was long and wild, sticking out like she hadn't brushed it. She looked like she rolled out of bed. We got into the office, and she sat down and pulled out a bowl and a spoon and a cereal box, and she started chowing down saying, oh, you don't mind if I eat, my blood sugar is low? I was like, okay, that seems a bit odd, but whatever. So that was like kind of two strikes against her. Then the third one was, she asked me a question and I answered her, and she kind of argued with me on it, like, told me her viewpoint. That's not supposed to be the thing that happens. It'd be different if it were a therapeutic challenge in a respectful way, but she was disagreeing with something that she asked me my opinion on, so I didn't go back. Well, I did one more time; I think I went a total of three times. The third time was to tell her, hey, not okay with me, but that just wasn't the right one.
I went to another one that I was hoping to get EMDR, which is the therapy I now practice; however, he was not, not, not for me. This was a man who had a really smelly dog who would jump up on the couch next to me. Now, I am a dog lover, and I have two of my own. I have a puppy, Corduroy, who is a mini Goldendoodle. I also have Brooklyn who is almost six-years old, and she is a Morky, and I love my doggies. If you've been listening for a while, you know, we had to put down our sweet Abby last year in the fall and so we're still missing her a lot. But I am a dog lover. But this dog in this therapy room was stinky. This dog did not seem like it had had a bath in a really, really long time. And the man didn't even ask if I minded or if I was allergic or anything. He just let his stinky dog come right up to me. I didn't stay with him long. Also, in his waiting room, he had a white noise machine that could rival a rock concert. I mean, it was the loudest white noise wave machine ever.
You need to feel comfortable in the environment. You need to feel comfortable with the person. You need to feel comfortable with their treatment modality, what they're going to do, and what perspective they're coming from. One of the best ways to find a good therapist is to ask. Around 23% of Americans have been to therapy, so you have a pretty good shot. That's about one in four people, practically, that you could maybe get a referral from.
Therapy Modalities
As I mentioned EMDR above, it is a really good and helpful for trauma recovery, and so if you are dealing with trauma, that is a really good way to get your needs tended to. Trauma, somatic experiencing, internal family systems, developmental needs meeting, trauma informed therapy, Trauma informed narrative therapy, parts work, ego state work somatic experiencing. Any of those modalities are really good. Sensorimotor, any of those are really good for trauma therapy. So, if somebody is trained in one of those, that's probably a good indicator that they understand the deep wounds of trauma, how it's not just our thoughts, but it's also in our bodies and how to process it and help both to go together. That's just an aside that also came up in the membership community today as I was giving more of my story and the experience of what to look for if you do decide to go for counseling.
So, if you notice that things are bothering you, you can't put them aside. You wonder if you need something, people are telling you that it might be a good idea, and you could really just use someone who's objective to hear you and support you. Those are good reasons to go to therapy and keep trying until you find a good fit. You're worth it!
Experiencing Self-Doubt or Are You Being Gaslit with Emotional Abuse- Signs of Narcissistic Manipula
Do you doubt yourself a lot and overthink? It could be that you've been in relationship with somebody who is gaslighting you.
Before we jump in, I want to give you the rest of my Top 10 Deal Breakers from this week's newsletter...
My Top Ten Deal Breakers - i.e. I'm not going to let people who do these things across my boundaries.
- Manipulating what the Bible says for their own benefit and not what it actually says.
- Using put-downs as "humor." "Joking" at the expense of others.
- Minimizing the effect their words or actions have had on me or others in a negative regard, when the truth is told to them.
- Name calling.
- Shaming.
- Criticizing others without doing anything to be part of a solution.
- Causing drama by what they say or what they do not say.
- Putting others down to boost themselves up.
- Blame Shifting.
- Game playing.
So, let's talk about today's message on gaslighting...
As you may know, this concept comes from an old 1944 movie where a newlywed wife is married to this guy, and he's messing with her mind by dimming the gaslights so that she didn't even know if she was losing her mind or not because he was manipulating the environment in a practically normal way, but it was messing with her perception.
Why Do People Gaslight and Is It of God?
Oftentimes, people gaslight because they want to have some form of control or a sense of power, and then they try to manipulate and honestly just kind of change what people are thinking so they can feel insecure in themselves and in the relationship, so that these people who are gas-lighters can control them. That's why this gaslighting thing is so wrong. It's so insidious, and God doesn't like it. In 2 Timothy 1:7, it says, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Gaslighting goes against the ability to keep a sound mind. It tries to slowly eat away at what you know about yourself and what you know about your own motives and your own understanding of your own feelings.
Gaslighting Impact Over Time and Recognizing This
In fact, when someone has been gaslit repeatedly over time, it can be difficult for them to answer for themselves regarding their own experiences, needs, intent for doing things, and motivations because they have been so manipulated by the abuser that they have internalized the abuser's messages. So even after the abuser stops mentally manipulating them and emotionally abusing them in this way, such as, if they move out of the home where their parents were narcissists or manipulating gas-lighters, they might start to gaslight themselves because the information is in there. It's as if you can't trust yourself, your motivations are wrong, and you should second guess everything because someone else knows better than you as to what your motivations, feelings, and needs are, and this is wrong. It's like the accuser lives in the mind of the victim at times, and it keeps the victim doing these mental gymnastics.
This gaslighting just makes it so hard to know what is up and what is down and what is left and what is right. It feels like the world is some sort of funhouse where the mirrors are distorting the reality and the perceptions. What does that sound like? Those accusations, those deceptions? That's not of God. That's the enemy. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those who are His. And so those accusations are not of God. If you are doubting your own thoughts and motivations, rethinking why you say things, what you're feeling, what you're doing, and what you're experiencing, you may be experiencing gaslighting in some of your relationships.
Let me restate this for emphasis. If you are being mentally sabotaged and condemned for having your own thoughts, feelings, needs, intentions, motivations, and perspectives, it is not of God. God Himself gave you the gift of free will, and He will not manipulate you. In healthy relationships, people can both have their perspectives and respect each other, even if they disagree.
Anybody who is trying to take away your free will ability to make your own choices, to think for yourself, to know why you're doing the things you're doing, and to take actions that are good for you is behaving in a controlling and possibly toxic manner towards you. They may have a personality disorder, or they may merely be horrible at their own self-regulation and not be able to tolerate other people doing things differently. If you're wondering as to what in the world is going on here and it seems like there's a bait and switch and the people you might be considering right now have you asking could they be gas-lighters because sometimes they're nice to you or they do what's called love bombing you, and then sometimes they just leave you feeling really confused and really manipulated and down on yourself, that's toxic manipulation.
Are You the One Who Is Toxic? It's Not My Circus and Not My Monkeys!
One of my favorite sayings is: It's not my circus and not my monkeys. First, be sure that it's not you who is toxic. Here's how you can tell that you are not the one with a personality disorder and you are not the one who is being toxic in a relationship:
Are you willing to apologize when you hurt someone? Are you willing to believe that you are not perfect or that you may have accidentally done something that you need to say you're sorry for? If so, this is a really good sign, because healthy people can apologize when they've done something wrong or when something's brought to their attention.
Are you willing to reflect and see if you could be contributing to a difficult situation? To put yourself in someone else's shoes to see the situation from their viewpoint doesn't mean you have to agree, but can you empathize? Are you willing to understand, even if you disagree, to understand where someone is coming from and willing for them to be separate in their thoughts and actions, and that their desires and understanding is something they have a right to have their own mind about? If so, it is unlikely that you have a personality disorder that is then gaslighting other people because you're self-reflective.
In situations where people are not healthy, they often make it so that others have to come to them to have any connection. They don't go that extra mile for others because it's all about them having control. It's all about them having a sense of superiority. It's all about them getting some sort of payoff that makes them feel better about themselves. If you have the capacity to hear other people and respect them and work with them and find ways to meet them in the middle, where you can actually talk things out respectfully and either come to an agreement or resolution, or respectfully come to an understanding where you each can understand each other's needs without trying to coerce or manipulate, that's a healthy relationship. But if it's this invisible push and pull, this tug for power and control in some way, that's manipulation and that's emotional abuse.
So, if someone continuously brings you their chaotic monkeys and their circus, and you're fine until you interact with them, and then you start doing that thing where down is up and up is down, it's okay to recognize you are not wrong. You are not wrong for disagreeing with things that are sin. You are not wrong for saying, I don't agree with you, and I have my own viewpoints, feelings, and thoughts. If you are feeling put in a lesser position than someone else, it is okay to notice if they are not appropriate and they are trying to blame, shame, or guilt you. You are not wrong if you did not do anything sinful and you did not do anything wrong.
You Do Not Need Validation from Toxic People
Even if someone thinks you shouldn't feel or act a certain way or wish that you wouldn't because it goes against what's convenient for them in their own agenda, it's okay for you to stand on truth if you're not the toxic one. It's okay to let your truth be validated within yourself. The gas-lighters will try to invalidate your perception of yourself. They'll try to invalidate your perspectives, and you do not need the approval of toxic individuals. You do not suddenly become wrong simply because someone toxic disagrees with you and gives you pushback. You do not become wrong simply because somebody toxic does not see things through a clear lens. You do not need validation from people who are not able to see the reality of the situation. You know your experience. You do not need to allow or engage with toxic, disrespectful, or manipulative people or their behaviors.
Gaslighting Is Psychological Abuse
Anything that breaches your boundaries is emotional abuse. Anything that gives you the message that you are the one who needs fixing because there is something wrong with you simply for having a voice or a choice. Anytime you're trying to be honest, and you are being discounted, that can be abusive. If someone denies your reality and then uses it to manipulate you so they have some form of power or control about the way they interact with you or because it makes them look good to twist things, that's also abusive. It's emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and manipulation where someone is attempting to make you doubt your own perceptions, feelings, memories, experiences, and sanity.
They may deny that they've said certain things or done certain things. They may tell you you're too sensitive. They may blame you for things that aren't your fault. They may twist things to try to get the upper hand in relationships. They might triangulate you and leave out some information and tell other people different parts of things so that it looks like you're the crazy one. It is so confusing when you deal with these people because they are not healthy, and so you're going to end up feeling crazier if you expect them to validate your experience, because they won't. They will validate what suits them for their purposes. They are not interested in playing fair.
They are interested in gaining the upper hand. These people are insecure. These people are out for themselves. They're selfish and self-focused. The only way they feel they can gain the upper hand is by playing dirty. If you try to call them on it, they'll deny it. If you get too close, they might rage. They might end up just totally deflecting and raging so they can stop feeling like they are doing the wrong thing that they actually are because they can't handle the truth.
That is unfortunate because when people are healthy, we can have healthy dialogue. We can have respectful relationships. There's not a one up, one down kind of mentality. It's where we can work together and each be individuals and respect each other even if we disagree.
If you notice you are in situations where you do not physically feel safe around somebody or you feel like you are constantly spinning, being put down, and second guessing whether something took place or not because they deny your reality, it is very possible you are in a relationship with a person who has toxic behaviors and does not have good communication.
They might say that you're not playing fair or you're being too sensitive. As I said before, that's a deal breaker because nobody gets to tell you that you're being too sensitive or the level of emotions that you're allowed to have. Maybe they'll tell you that you should be over this by now, or why keep bringing something up? Well, maybe you're bringing something up because it's still hurtful and trying to have dialogue about it, and they dismiss your thoughts, feelings, and needs. That is also not okay. Anything that shifts the blame onto you for their own actions and shortcomings and anything that makes you feel crazy is not your fault. That's their circus. That's their monkeys.
Moving Forward; Have a Plan
Take cautious steps. Document it. Write it down so that or take a witness with you so that they can back you up to verify this is being twisted and it's not on you. If you don't feel safe, find a way to get to safety. You don't want to just do a knee jerk reaction to get out of this type of situation. Give it some thought, prayer, and consideration to make sure you are safe.
If they tell you you're overreacting, that's another tip off. Again, they're trying to qualify how you feel and to what level. They don't like you to own your feelings. They don't like you to own your voice. They don't like you to own your choices because they feel it diminishes them whereas healthy people know we can grow together, and we can respect each other even if we disagree. We can encourage each other. Like iron sharpens iron. People who use gaslighting, they aren't interested in fair play. You know, if they tell you that you are wrong, when it's not a matter that's up for debate and you didn't do anything sinful or wrong, they're wrong. It's okay to know it. It's okay to stand in truth and not be shamed or blamed, not be minimized, and not be put down. It's very important to know your truth, to know your motivations, to know what you have and have not done, and to not doubt them.
You May Need to Grieve that Loss
It's also important not to expect the toxic person to validate your experiences or to give you something that they have historically not been able to give. You may need to grieve that loss because the respect and the validation aren't able to come from that person, especially if it's a parent or a spouse you wish could see things more clearly, rather than use their toxic ways against you. You may need to grieve that loss. Look at what people are capable of and don't expect them to be more capable than they have historically shown they are capable of being. It's really hard sometimes to recognize the truth. That's why I think it's very important to discuss this because so many people come into therapy because the people who should be in therapy aren't. I want you to know that if you simply want to get along with people and want to be respected, that's not toxic; that's healthy.
