dating

Where's My Experience Come from?

The 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. For a person who considers themselves a Christian and by Christian I do not mean a person who acts one way, says they're a Christian and lives a different way. By Christian, I am defining it as someone who believes Jesus is the way, the one way to God, the truth and the life and lives their life in submission to God's will. God's way scripture the Holy Spirit's direction how God is leading and what God's truths are and conducts themselves in love and holiness and wise choices and seeking the Lord's direction in prayer and just this connection with God in relationship through scripture community, working on themselves, loving others, helping people, encouraging love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, goodness. These things that exemplify the fruits of the Spirit that we let the Lord lead our lives and we submit our lives to his direction and living it the way he would have to. Turning from the things that seem only right in our own eyes, only that we want to do the selfish human nature parts, committing sins and working against people. Those are not the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about having a real relationship with Jesus. Being the way to God and being able to say that and believe that and live that way doesn't mean being perfect, doesn't mean never having faults, doesn't mean never sinning. Means that the heart is right to say, Lord, I want what you want. Even if I'm struggling, I want to walk in your ways. Please help me correct this. Or what do you think about this? Or this is what I am feeling that I'm going to do, please intervene if this isn't actually right or I'm missing something or just having that connection to God to say hey, here's where I am, but you are the one I want to serve. And so that is what I mean when I say a person who is saved, a Christian believer, somebody who can honestly both say and live and believe that Jesus is Lord and that they have chosen to make him Lord of their lives and the way they live their lives. And so the first thing if that's you, then the first question to ask yourself is for anybody you're considering dating, and certainly for anybody you're considering marrying, is this person saved? So everything I just said is this person not just somebody who says, oh, there's probably a God, I'll go to church with you. I mean, that's great, but that's a friend, that's not a partner. Okay? If you are somebody who has made Jesus Lord of your life and you are with somebody who cannot say jesus is the Lord of my life, the one way and that actually lives that way, that is an automatic no. And I will hear people justify that and say, yeah, well, but and I can understand these different perspectives as far as well, this is true and this is true and it could be true. And maybe and as I've thought about it more and really had God just clarify it even more, to me, there really is no other bottom line, there cannot be a true unity in marriage, a true foundation that is united as one if your spirit is one with God. And the person you're married to is married to the world, so to speak, and not aligned with God because you're both coming from very true foundational discrepancies, right? You're coming from life and freedom and salvation. They are coming from sin, law, humanness, and no matter how quote unquote good they seem, you cannot join someone whose spirit has been redeemed by God and someone who is still on a pathway and a journey to hell. And that may sound very harsh and that may I would definitely be canceled in mainstream culture. And this isn't to condemn anybody. Like I'm not trying to put anybody down, I'm just speaking the truth in love that as a Christian, if you are seeking to date somebody, that may lead to marriage or even dating, because what's the purpose of dating if it's not going to lead to commitment and marriage? It would be friendship, right? I can go out with people and enjoy their company and not align my life with theirs. But if you're going to align your life with somebody in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, family wise, you can't overlook how important being connected and in agreement on the spiritual is. So that is what I'm saying. So the first question to ask yourself before getting into a dating or marriage relationship, preferably before dating, is, is this person saved? And that means not just by words, not just by beliefs, but by actions and the way that the fruit is shown true Christianity, not hypocrisy.
2. Is this someone you would be happy to have by your side raising your child? So if they are somebody, let's say that you're already past having children. You don't want children. That's okay. This is more of an exercise in if you had a child, somebody that you loved so deeply and would do anything for and cared about protecting them, is this person someone you would trust to take care of them? To keep them safe, to not harm them, to not do things that are going to emotionally impact them. And they're going to have to undo it for the rest of their life. Is this person somebody that I would trust if I were raising a child? That doesn't mean you'd have to do everything the same, right? My husband used to jostle the babies playfully a lot more, like, you know, toss them gently into the air, and they loved it. And I'm like, oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness, I'm not going to do that. I might drop them. Right. But he was safe. He never dropped them. He was just loving them like a dad, and I was loving them like a mom, and they were both okay. They weren't hurting the kids in any way. It was just we chose different things, okay. And we could support that, right. I didn't have to throw them in the air. He didn't throw them high or anything. He just like and they had fun. And there are going to be differences like that, right? We're talking about are they going to be harmed? Are they going to be harmed? Or are they somebody that even if you find out that he fed them ice cream and let them watch TV while you were out, is he a safe person? Would he have cared about them if they weren't feeling well? Or would he say, oh, please don't eat that ice cream right now because your stomach might hurt? Would you trust his judgment? Another way to say that is would you trust your frail grandmother with him? So if somebody had to stay with your frail grandmother who was bedridden, would you trust him to attune to her and attend to her needs? Or would you feel like she wouldn't be safe? Like you wouldn't be sure, like, oh, my gosh, I better hurry and get back there so he doesn't drop her or doesn't say anything bad or doesn't hurt her in some way or isn't callous. So the most vulnerable people you can imagine loving would you trust this person and know that they have good for that person and that you can rest? If that's a no, that tells you something.
3. Are you settling? Are you settling and settling often? Sounds like, well, this is great. I mean, yeah, there's this well, I mean, I think so, but well, I mean, I'd love this to change or if this happened, but nobody's perfect. It's kind of that minimizing of those things that if you're really honest with yourself and if it were like truth time, where all of your defenses, all of your desires to be with somebody, all of your hopes and dreams for what a romantic relationship looks like were to be able to step aside and you could just get real and honest with yourself in your heart and say, is this a settle for? And if there's any part of you that is like, actually, yeah, that is something to pay attention to.
4. Do you feel safe in all areas with him? So is he somebody that you feel is mentally safe? So he respects your thoughts; he respects your right to think differently than him. He respects your feelings. He respects your needs, your perspective, your hopes, your desires. You know that you are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, communication wise safe with him. That doesn't mean, again, that he's perfect or that you will always agree on every nuance of things, but it means that he is safe to be with, talk with, share with, hear, negotiate with, in a respectful, supportive, connected way. Now, some people don't know how to do that. That's a skill that can be learned. But it's more the heart condition, the mental condition, the spiritual condition. Are they willing to learn? Are they willing to put in what it takes to be able to do that and gain those skills? Or are they somebody that you really can't trust, you can't feel safe with? Like, if you really had to say, did they get me? Did they get me at my core? Or am I having to stay guarded in some way, or am I having to deny my feelings? Or am I having to pretend I don't have those thoughts or feelings to be able to have this relationship with them? Those are red flags if those things come up.
5. Are you better together than alone? Does he make you a better version of yourself? And I'm not saying he can make you be a better version of yourself, but when you're with him, does he contribute things that you're like that helps me to rise to a different level in myself. He's like refining you, like iron sharpens iron. And you can do that for him again. Neither one of you are going to be perfect. You're going to be unique individuals, but iron sharpens iron. We are both together, and we make each other stronger because of being together. We make each other more powerful, more impactful. We encourage each other. We're better together than we are alone.
6. Do the people you trust in your life think this is a good match? Do they think this is a good idea, or do they have concerns? Now, you can decide whether you agree or disagree, that those are valid concerns. You have a right to think for yourself. But if there are people that you have in your trusted circle, for some reason they've been there. You go to them. You care about what they think. You think that they have your best interest at heart. They know where you are and the ways of the Lord and where you struggle and what you're dealing with. And these are solid people that you have in your corner. Again, not that they're not human, not that they're perfect, but that you can trust them. And if these people don't think this is a good idea or are bringing concerns to your attention, are you paying attention? Sometimes we try to close that out. Oh, yeah, they're just jealous. Oh, well they don't understand. Oh, well, they don't know if you're basically saying, yeah, but that's another area of a red flag. Because the people who you really can trust, the people who are safe, the people who are healthy and have a history of that in your life, most likely, if you know that they are somebody who cares about you, they are not taking it lightly to tell you their concerns. So it's worth giving a listen to and at least considering for yourself.
7. Can he admit when he is wrong? And along with that, is he willing to course correct when he goes off path, whether accidentally or he realizes, oh my gosh, that was a bad idea or whatever, is he willing to course correct not to deflect, but to take ownership and go, oh gosh, I did mess up there. Let's do it this way instead, or I'm going to work on this, or here's what I'm doing to improve here, right? Is he willing to repent? Is he willing to ask for forgiveness of some willful sin? Is he willing to change his ways when he accidentally did something and he's like, there's got to be a way that I can continue to be aware of this so that I can continue to grow. So is he able to admit when he is wrong and to correct his course without blame, guilt, deflection?
8. What is his history? Are they somebody who has learned from past failures and corrected them and done things God's way? What is his history? And I, again, don't mean he's had to be perfect or not have a history, but when you look at his history and the patterns in his life, if he has abused his previous girlfriend physically and you're like, oh, but he's never laid a hand on me. But he's never gone to anger management. He's never been able to tell you the work he's put in on it. He's never been able but you know what, I don't handle it that way anymore. I have other skills. Then there's a difference between, okay, in the past when I was struggling, I took this out on my girlfriend, and I deeply regret it, and I've repented and I've made amends with her. I've gone to therapy. I've done the right things, and that is not me anymore, is a whole different story than, yeah, well, I'd never hit you. I just did that to her because she was a real witch. It's like, no, that's about your behavior, buddy. So we're not going to minimize, we're not going to blame anybody else. If there has not been a change from past destruction, past sins, then that is likely to replicate again. So you need to be aware of that. So we want some proof, some fruit, some evidence that something different has happened. He's taken personal accountability and repented and changed and implemented and worked and done the hard work that needs to be done to make a new future, not repeat the past.
9. Are you heard when you talk to him? Does he hear you or does he try to control you? Does he hear you and validate your words and try to understand and try to meet your needs? Doesn't mean he'll be able to meet every need, doesn't mean he'll be able to fix everything. But is his heart in a posture where you are valid, your thoughts are valid, your feelings are valid, your concerns are valid, your needs are valid, and you feel heard, you don't feel minimized, criticized, any of that blame, shame, or guilt we talked about earlier. You feel respected, heard, valid, and equal as a human being who has a right to expect to be treated well in a relationship. 
10.  This is more of a body sensation. Do you feel relief when you see him? When he comes over after work and is like, hey, I'm here to pick you up for dinner and he shows up, do you feel relief or do you feel yourself kind of tightening up? Does your body run to him or run away from him? Do your arms swing open wide like, oh, I get to hug and kiss you? Or do you feel like you have to put up a protective barrier? Our bodies often know whether this person is safe or not, no matter what we try to tell them with our heads as to whether someone's safe or not. But to be able to know my body feels at peace with you or is my body on edge or tight or anxious?

The 4 Attachment Styles

• Secure Attachment: is when a person can trust pretty easily.  They are able to go out into their environment and explore it because they can come back to a secure base in a parent or attuned caregiver.  They can regulate their emotions or go to that safe person to have their emotions regulated so that it is manageable.  A secure parent is safe and compassionate while also being able to manage their own emotions separately from the child's.
• Avoidant-Dismissive: is when a person learned that he/she has to be self-reliant, and therefore, minimizes how important relationships actually are to their needs. Insecurity is high, and fear gets in the way of the act of going toward intimacy.  Trust is not easily gained.  
• Anxious Preoccupied: is when a person learned to be very sensitive to the needs of others, even when it is not what they need or what is best for them. This can lead to codependency, fear of being alone, and fear of being abandoned.  This can lead to being anxious in relationships where one feels a great need for validation from others. 
• Avoidant-Fearful/Disorganized: is when a person learned to emotions are not safe.  They may have a tendency to push others away at times and shut down their needs/emotions, or they may allow desperation to arise where they hope the other will provide what they need.  This attachment style can come with a sense of confusion.  

Key Attachment Periods

• Birth to Six Weeks: This is called the pre-attachment timeframe and that's when a baby shows no particular attachment to one specific person they can be handed off to different people and be pretty much OK just being cared for as long as their basic needs are met. 
• Six weeks to Seven Months: This is called the indiscriminate stage of attachment and that's where infants start to show a preference for the one or two people who actually are their consistent caregivers.
• Seven Months + : This is when children can show what's called the discriminate stage of attachment  where they show strong attachment to one specific caregiver so that might be where you know the child wants only mommy or only daddy. 
• Ten Months or Older: The bond continues to grow with other people in their lives.

Assessing Your Attachment Period 

Reach Out