attachment

Podcast release date: Wednesday, June 7th, 2023.  So today I want to tell you about the family drama that happened on a vacation months we went to Washington DC my husband had a business trip and my kids came with me only two of the three came with me but at the time and I won't read out which two they were but at the time we went to Arlington national cemetery because my parents are taking me and my brother there when we were kids and I thought this is great it's homeschool it's history will go to Arlington national cemetery and we will go and see John F Kennedy's grave and I remembered my parents made a big deal about John F. Kennedy's grave because it had the eternal flame in our end and I was like oh that's interesting this doesn't go out it was it was just interesting And I ask them again come on let me get your picture and they were some more like no we don't want to picture and I said that's it and this is not my proudest mommy moment that's it let's go and I was getting them big-time I was I was so guilty I was like I want you to realize how in my mind I'm like I want you to realize how inappropriate this was when your mom went to take your picture you just smile and it's over with what's the big deal And I march them back down the hill and out of the car can we call that Arlington or like a watch out it's like an Arlington and from that moment forward I did get my way I was like if I ever ask you for a picture again please just smile let me take the picture it doesn't have to be a big deal now I can go into that and kind of dissect it and get what happened and even with saying about the picture you know about you taking the picture there are some skills that I could use differently so let's let's unpack this to see where it went wrong OK one I was expecting my kids to have the same value for this experience that I was having they enjoyed it but it was also like OK it didn't mean anything it wasn't trying to re-create some thing it wasn't anything that you know they were that invested in we were hot we were tired we had traveled five hours four hours whatever We had been in the heat we had walked up the hill I don't know if we had eaten breakfast before that or not or what it happened guessing we had something but probably it was junk food because it was on a trip so there was probably a lot in our reserves that wasn't something that we could pull on right then and then getting there there were stressors and tension because to me because there were other tourists around and so you only got a chance to get in front of the gravesite with the eternal flame for so long right because he didn't wanna get in other peoples pictures he wanted to be polite well this is all my stuff right so I'm like hurry up let me get the picture when I heard I don't want the picture Wait what my plans you went against my plans you went against the way this was supposed to go quotes around supposed to and I didn't know what to do with this because at that point my reserves were shot again the hoped-for Imaginary that I was bringing to this the what I expected it to be my expectations did not match reality the physical heat and exertion and exhaustion did not match the reality of I mean it did match the reality the idyllic family picture did not match reality I mean to this day we just we kind of laughed at that whole thing because they realized mom kind of lost it and fortunately mom knows that and mom was able to make amends but also let them know what acceptable and not acceptable behavior is and then I also can recognize sometimes they don't want to get their picture taken so I need to respect that for them as well But when it's really not a big deal and I'm asking I asked if they would mind just letting me take the picture because it means a lot to me and most of the time they're OK with that but when they're not I don't take the picture or I take pictures and don't post them without approval OK I respect them as well so it goes both ways but this is not really on that line of thought this is more on the fact that the reserves were not there to be drawn upon But I wasn't aware when I went into the situation oh hey just breathe you don't have to rush so fast you know what maybe you guys need more sleep in the morning let's get a healthy breakfast will go over and see if we can get a picture maybe I could've let down my expectations a bit about having to get the picture there as I think back why do I want a picture of a grave with a gaslit flame like that doesn't why would I want that I don't know it seems so important at the time and now I'm like I don't need that picture by the way I didn't get that picture so it doesn't matter  It obviously wasn't something I needed to cause a big deal about and my kids told me that I took them back the next day anyhow so I don't remember that maybe we got a picture the next day I don't have it anywhere that I Yum that I know of so it might be on some device somewhere if we actually did get it but I'm not convinced we did so it was my expectations turns out And I could've handled this in so many better ways any way along this Arlington trip I could have changed it I was the adults I was responsible for that they were very good kids they were not disobedient kids they weren't doing anything wrong they simply didn't want their picture taken I could've respected that in the moment I could've said hey can you come over here a moment this is really special to me and I really like it I know you don't want it but would you be willing this one time right I could have him Said hey let's make sure we have adequate water before we go let's get some cooling towels let's have a nice breakfast instead of junk food let's stop here in the entrance area and stay in some air conditioning Let's take the walk up the hill slower let's not go today let's go on a day that's not 80° Let's go to time where there aren't a lot of tourists let's sit here and wait for people to leave right at any point along this way I could have regulated myself I could've better been there for my kids to help them to be more comfortable in this uncomfortable heat My expectations and my window of tolerance as to what I could take I couldn't take more physically and that's what led to this I needed to cool down I needed to hydrate I need to slow down I need to breathe and I need it to handle it better Being able to honor each other for having our own needs and our own windows of tolerance and they didn't want the picture taken they didn't need to have it taken that they are allowed to have their viewpoints to know in all relationships we can compromise we can ask and negotiate hey guys if it's really not that big a deal to you it would really mean a lot to me Or if they said you know what I know it would mean a lot to you but right now I'm really not wanting my picture taken I don't feel very good about myself because I've been sweating and I'm exhausted I'd appreciate if we didn't and then we decide you know which need is more like pressing I could give up the photo for them right or they could say all let's just smile for mom What happen though wasn't their best move wasn't my best move and so we both had to adjust after we had discussed this and figured it out but you have to recognize your window of tolerance and that starts with your physical body if it's too much if you're not getting enough rest if you're not having good enough nutrition if you're not having enough comfortable temperature or clothes that aren't itchy Right sometimes we expect kids like on holidays to be dressed up and then we wonder why they're miserable because they're in these itchy clothes that are not comfortable right and there's this anticipation anticipation of gifts and all day you're like waiting for people to come and gifts to happen and you're wearing these itchy clothes no wonder kids have meltdowns they're outside of their window of tolerance Hey That's what we need to attend to for a selves and for those we care about that we are all human we all have needs to eat well sleep well be hydrated have space have time be able to go to the restroom or take a shower without continual stress that's why new moms have a rough time you know with moms of young kids they have a rough time because they can't even get a shower by themselves Let's But I didn't unfortunately we have a bitter sweet family memory I think the kids think it's hilarious that mom lost her cool mom still cringes at it because I wish I hadn't now again they've just smiled sure where they kids yeah And I hope that if you find yourself frazzled or at the end of your rope or too much too high of expectations that can't possibly be met with the reality around you they will reconsider stepping back and building in some margin for yourself it makes all the difference 

Understanding the 8 stages of psychosocial development and whether you have successfully mastered them can help you better understand where you may need to focus when it comes to asking for support or seeking therapy if they haven't been achieved. I personally believe that if you haven't successfully navigated or mastered any stages prior to the one you are in now, I don't think it is set in stone.  You can seek out help to progress in areas that have not been mastered once you know what's "under the hood."

Psychologist Eric Erickson, a pioneer in the field of psychosocial development, suggested there are a series of tasks that should be mastered within certain age categories, which make up these stages. 

Birth to 18 months - 

A time when everything is new!  Babies look for someone to respond to them with care and with predictability, thus providing a secure attachment.  This provides a solid base from which to explore the world. If things get scary, they can go back to the caregiver for support and protection, and when this is adequately met, they learn to trust. If the care they get from their primary caregiver is not reliable or dependable, then this trust will be broken and it can cause emotional problems, such as a mistrust of others, loss of feeling able to control their circumstances, and a feeling of danger as they venture into the world.

1 1/2 years to 3 years - This is when children gain some independence and learn they have control over their body and actions.  At this stage, they also can not totally control everything which is why at this age, they may slap others or reach “to play” with things they shouldn’t. If care givers provide a safe way to interact and allow them to make some decisions on their own by trying different activities like putting on clothes or playing with new toys, even roughhousing with dad for example, this is still safe. These examples can build confidence.  Potty training is a crucial step during this stage because it’s a step towards independence as no one wants to be dependent on somebody for their personal habits. Taking care of their personal needs at this stage if it follows a typical pattern, not discounting that there can sometimes be illness or genetic defects, builds confidence in themselves and their actions. If this environment is not provided, they may feel shameful, insecure, or have doubt. Therefore, caregivers who promote a safe environment where a child can make decisions and have control over their own bodies allows the child to master a sense of independence.

3 years to 5 years - This is when kids learn interactions with others like friends at school and how to make friends. They also learn how to behave if they want people to like them. At these ages, they are basically exploring how to get along with others in the world. If caregivers let them know it's OK to ask questions and direct them in an encouraging way to not do certain unacceptable behaviors, this can teach initiative. Mainly, as caregivers, they want to teach that it is OK to not only ask questions, but to also try new things and speak up for themselves. Making new friends and gaining interpersonal skills helps them feel secure and capable of handling things. If they don’t practice these steps, they may suffer from doubt in their ability to interact with others and may possibly feel guilt as if they are a bother or are not enough. Overall, it's important to interact with others through play and engage socially by using their words in order to develop a sense of taking initiative throughout their lives.

 5 years to 12 years -  At this time, children are learning how to master new subject matter. They also learn to adapt to society roles as they continue to interact with others and learn about others’ expectations and how to navigate them. Examples may include how to study for good grades or how to practice if they want to make a sports team. During this time, they are learning the things expected which are also good for them in order to rise to the occasion. When these behaviors are encouraged and implemented, there is a sense of being able or industrious. If not, they may feel inferior or not good enough which can be a very unpleasant feeling. 

13 years to 21 years - This stage is when they start to find their own sense of self. In combination with what parents have invested, they begin to explore their own beliefs and come up with their own desires, goals, and values. It's actually healthy and good for them to be able to disagree with their parents in a respectful way although safety and sinful behavior must be considered as well as a major inconvenience to another person. Within this framework, it’s good for patents to say yes as much as possible. It has actually served us well as parents to our now adult children as none of our kids rebelled. They're each unique and different, but they love God and are fully capable in the areas in which God's called them. If had said that they couldn’t do that, couldn’t go there, or couldn’t try new things, they might've experienced a confused sense of self. Role confusion and frustration occurs when a teen thinks I'm allowed to be a person and my body, capabilities, and intellect are growing as well as my understanding of myself, but I can't go and do things I want to do. This can be frustrating which is why my husband and I often said yes to our kids while keeping God at the center. It’s helpful at this stage to mesh our past childlike behaviors with the person the teen is meant to become in accordance with their sense of ethics and beliefs as well as and how they want to view themselves in the world. For a Christian, this identity comes from Christ, and although others in the world may not align with this belief, causing confusion, the hope is that with confidence and self-esteem gained from prior stages, they are able to do this stage successfully. 

21 years to 39 years - This stage typically occurs in young adulthood when they are trying to figure out how to connect with others as this is the timeframe where they are planning to get married or be in a relationship, and when this doesn’t happen, they may feel a sense of isolation. However, not forming these types of relationships isn’t a sign of failure as there are people who are fully healthy and developmentally sound who are called to be single or who choose to be single. On the other hand, if somebody is choosing to find a mate and they have success, this can lead to a healthy long-term relationship. It can be a choice to cultivate that intimacy versus being isolated. To reference my former blog again, “Your Attachment Style, and It’s Effect on Your Relationship,” attachment styles can also lead to isolation even in a marriage because it doesn't mean that they have intimacy. Isolation may also occur when they’re not able to truly connect due to circumstances or who they are with; however, this isn't about judgment or about a preferred ideal, but rather more about the intimacy that can be cultivated. Whether the intimacy is within marriage or not, if there’s not an ability to have a connection and a long-term satisfying relationship, a sense of isolation can result.

40 years to 65 years - During this time, they begin to consider the legacy they want to leave behind. If they have a sense of failure because things haven't worked out, they might struggle; however, if there is a feeling of accomplishment as they’ve met their goals, they may feel much satisfaction. Either way, they may choose to work towards producing a legacy to be remembered by or to make a difference in the world. 

65 years old and beyond - I don’t believe this is completely accurate as it sounds like it's a passive thing as if life is over and at this point, we simply assess life and see it as either despair or something for which we are proud. As we know, people can start new careers and can still have wonderful meaningful lives during this phase of life. To think we just shrivel up and die is just not accurate as people can live to be 100! It’s more important to make the most of the remaining time and be proud of how they spent the previous years as well as the current time. It’s a time to reflect on whether they have integrity or a sense of despair. If they feel like our time is approaching, they may reflect and think they haven’t accomplished much and this is where they might feel despair. 

But here’s the thing…no matter what developmental challenges, no matter what stages have or haven't been “successfully mastered” or attained, it doesn't change the fact that as long as we’re breathing, we can make a change, we can make a difference, God can still use us, and God has a good calling for each of us! 

So if you have accomplished these stages, great, and if you haven't yet, that's OK! Start today and learn how to heal, get the skills, and surround yourself with supportive, healthy people! It's never too late to start, new wonderful habits and take steps toward the life that you desire and the abundant life Christ has for you. Just start where you are and make a realistic assessment and then get the people around you, the information and tools you need, and go for it!