Codependent.
This is a word that can come loaded with emotion, responsibility, shame, guilt, self-doubt, people-pleasing, and fear of going against the way your protective survival skills have trained you to go about life.
Well, this week, a variation on this theme kept coming up in my sphere of observation. From counseling and coaching meetings to a trip to the convenience store, one theme seems to be showing up repeatedly. as.."someone bothered me by their thoughts/words, and I find myself emotionally spinning as a result of it."
Over and over again, I was observing situations in which "Person B" had thoughts or opinions that were made known to "Person A" in a way that "Person A" didn't appreciate but was trying to work through. "Person B" in each case had expressed themselves in a way that "Person A" was feeling "put upon" by the disclosure(s) of "Person B," and "Person A" felt the pain and pressure of trying to sort through the various nuances of that information "Person B" attempted to share.
If that last paragraph sounds convoluted and confusing to you in any way, image how confusing it can feel when you are "Person A!" You're minding your own business, trying to live your life well, and "Person B" drops a verbal "bomb" of some sort....perhaps, an insult, a blaming statement, a shaming statement, an expectation, or an observation that you didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't deserve right at your proverbial feet.
Those kinds of situations bring up all kinds of "feels" right? There's the confusion, the frustration, the hurt, the anger, the trying to understand and meet someone else's needs, the digging in of heels when we feel pushed against our will or resentful of the intrusion we didn't ask for because somebody else just had to express themselves "at our expense" in some way, and overall, the dysregulation in our nervous systems when we feel the load of what "Person B" expressed.
The key to handling these types of situations is to recognize what "belongs to you" and what "belongs to the other" person.
It gets convoluted and confusing, when we can't identify where we end and they begin, just as they couldn't identify where they end and we begin.
It's easier said than done, though, because these kinds of things can send our nervous systems into fight, flight, freeze shutdown, or fawning. So, how can we become more clear on what does and does not belong to "us?"
6 Questions You Can Ask to Leave "Person B's" stuff with them.
1) Ask yourself, "What am I observing?"
2) "Is this mine or theirs?"
3) "Do I need to respond/take action, or is it their issue/responsibility?"
4) "Am I trying to be the rescuer, when they need to be the one who makes their choices and experiences the consequences of those decisions they've made?'
5) "What am I going to do with what I have observed or experienced?
6) How can I make a healthy choice that pleases God out of truth and not obligation, people pleasing, or fear?"
On a related note, finding one's way after belonging to a religious cult is an experience that leaves a lot of confusion and conflicting thoughts and emotions to sort through, too, as the cult's destructive messaging and beliefs can be left at the unsuspecting doorstep of its followers. Don't forget to check out this week's podcast episode, Part 2, of my interview with Liza Lovett, from the Warrior's Community Podcast, where she shares more about her journey to healing from toxic abuse.
If you would like help walking through the difficulties of life and mindset issues, the Mental Health Membership Community is NOW OPEN. You can learn more about what's included,and join by clicking this link.
Why a Mentor, Coach, or Therapist Can Help
Have you ever felt like the way you think of things seems right until other information comes along and gives you more clarity...shedding some light on the situation?
So, I had this experience recently. I was feeling pretty confident when I decided to run out for breakfast at McDonald's. I thought I'd just get a breakfast sandwich for myself and bring one back to be sweet to my husband on a recent Saturday. So, I did that, and I thought, oh, I can also go to the gym. I don't have anything planned. So, I'll get breakfast, drop one off for him, go to the gym and, oh, I didn't have my earbuds. So, I'll swap off the sandwich and then pick up my earbuds.
When I pulled into my car driveway, and we live in a very safe area, so I decided just to leave my drink in the cup holder, my phone on the dash, and leave the car unlocked because I was running quickly in and out and I would be right back.
The problem is, when I did that and started to head off towards the gym, my phone was gone, and my drink was gone, and I'm sitting there in the car going, what just happened? And so there were thoughts like, did someone steal from me? Are one of my kids playing a joke? Did I accidentally take it inside? Am I losing my mind? And I thought, well, I must have been just not paying attention that I took them inside. And so I'll just go inside and get it. And I went inside to look and there was no phone and there was no drink. And I had a distinct memory of leaving the phone on the dashboard and the drink in the cup holder. So at this point, it's like a Twilight zone kind of thing. It's feeling very surreal.
I'm not sure what's going on. Things are kind of topsy turvy within me because my logic is trying to figure something out. My emotional experience is feeling kind of discombobulated, and my husband didn't see my things either. However, even though I was confident that I had time to drive home, that I had time to swap out the sandwich and get the earbuds, that I had time and was turning around quickly so I could get back to the car so that I could have my stuff left in it and not have to carry it in with me, there was this piece of information that I was missing.
I had failed to consider that since my husband and I have the exact same make and model of cars, just different colors, that I had actually gotten into his car instead of mine. And the only way that I knew that is because he was trying to help me problem solve. And instead of being kind of flustered like I was, he was very calm and said my Bluetooth went off, and he said that I think that you tried to get into my car instead. Do you think that's what happened? Oh, actually, that makes a whole lot of sense.
I thought I was seeing everything clearly. I thought I calculated everything, thought I understood everything. And then I didn't understand why things weren't working, what got mixed up, and I couldn't understand not only why and what, but how. Like what happened? And with that one sentence, he was able to make so much sense of everything for me, just shining a light of clarity on my situation that I couldn't see for myself. And once he did, it sped up my progress. It got me into the car with my earbuds, going to the gym, had a nice workout, it was great. I was back on track. Better than ever, right?
That's what having a therapist or a coach or a mentor can do for you. They can see the things you can't because you're in the experience. Somebody who is trained from the outside to be able to hear and notice and ask intuitive questions, then explain things or offer tools that you may not know can speed up your clarity and your progress, saving you a lot of time, frustration, and that Twilight Zone kind of swirling.
