If you're here today and you are here because you are eager to hear the ten ways to respond or to act when someone is trying to put their thoughts, feelings and emotions on you.
Let's just first talk about emotions and relationships and how those go together. When we're in a relationship with somebody else, whether that is a romantic relationship, a family relationship, a work relationship, church relationship, just going to the grocery store, there's a relationship between us and the cashier, right? Anytime we're in a relationship with somebody, there is the potential for there to be a desired action or thought or feeling either communicated by one or the other person and sometimes expectations from the other person.
For example, if we're talking about being in a grocery store and having a relationship with a cashier, the cashier may think, I want this person to check out and get their receipt and move on to the next one. They're expecting you, as the person who is going through the checkout line, is going to respond a certain way or act a certain way. Now, if you started tap dancing on their cash register, that would be against the expectation. While that could be something that you can do, it's not really helpful to the relationship because they need to do their job and move the groceries along. The expectation of a customer in that situation is that the customer pays for their groceries and goes home. We're not talking about expectations that are reasonable within the transaction as far as the context of the relationship goes, right.
In a marriage, it's totally understandable for a husband and a wife to have a discussion about going out for food, for instance, oh, I would like to go here. And where would you like to go? Okay, well, I'd like to go there. Oh, actually I'd love to do that for you, but I can't because remember, I have this allergy. Or remember the last time we went there, that waitress really turned me off when she put her finger in the butter or whatever. Right. There are reasonable things that we need to negotiate and say, okay, this isn't going to work for me, but I hear it's going to work for you, but maybe there's something we can both work with that we can agree to.
In relationships, there are both the context of what the expectations are and also just within the normal course of respecting each other and interacting with other people and also in being able to have our preferences and to make requests and expect somebody who cares about us to be able to hear that and try to find a satisfactory negotiation that works for both parties. It's kind of like that analogy of people fighting over an orange and then they figured out that one of them needed the outside zest for flavoring for a cake and the other wanted to make orange juice. There was actually no problem there. So, they each got what they needed. Ultimately that's a good way to look at things. How can we both get our needs met as much as it is healthy, reasonable, helpful and in the context of our relationship? I'm not talking about things like that.
This is when people bring up something that they feel you should be doing because of some situation they've gotten themselves into, or where people try to tell you what side you should take, an action they want you to have, a conversation that they think you should have for someone else, or they basically put their responsibilities onto you. They do it in such a way that there is discomfort or pressure, or somehow without you even knowing how you got into this awkward situation where your feelings, your thoughts and your action choices almost seem difficult to stand up for because, one, it's probably unexpected or two, there's probably a lot of things going through your mind at that point because you're trying to figure out, well, wait a minute: Am I supposed to be nice here because of who this person is? Am I supposed to stand up for myself? Am I supposed to understand where they're coming from? It's confusing because we start to question how we're supposed to respond when someone puts us in a situation that's uncomfortable for us.
10 Ways to Respond When Someone Tries to Put Their Stuff on You
I want to give you ten ways that you can respond or act when someone is trying to put their stuff on you which are easily stackable too. You might need to use a couple of these or keep them in your back pocket for certain types of things so that you have some tools for when the unexpected comes up and someone is imposing on you in some way that you cannot support.
- I Hear You. You can say I hear what you're saying and just resist saying more. It's like, I hear what you're saying, period and don't offend. Don't explain yourself if they're not going to actually listen to you or work with you and they just want you to do something for them that is unreasonable or putting things of pressure on you or things that you don't agree with or sharing how they feel and trying to get you to join in, like to tear somebody else down or something like that, you can simply respond. I hear what you're saying, period. And you can stack this with the next one.
- Excuse Yourself from the Situation. You can say I can hear what you're saying. I hope things go well for you. Sorry, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to go, I've got to run. Right, so you can also excuse yourself from situations where you're uncomfortable. Excuse me, I need to run to the restroom right now. I'm sorry, I've got to take another call and then take another call, call somebody else or I apologize, but I can't stay here right now. I'm in the middle of something. The thing you're in the middle of is getting away from this awkward conversation, right? You can just respond, oh, I hear what you're saying is the first one without having to defend or explain yourself.
- Reflect Back. You can just simply reflect back, almost giving a flavor of that's interesting that you see it that way and I hear you, but all I'm going to say is sometimes it doesn't need anything more than that and then just refuse to commit to anything further. Saying something like that's so interesting, and not engaging further or try to give them something that I'm not willing to give. I'm just going to hear them and not commit to anything.
- Just Can't Help Right Now. You can say something like I would love to help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to now. This can also work in that, oh, I'm just not going to be able to help with that. Or I wish I could help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to, as well as I would love to help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to. Those can both be with an unspoken I would love to because I'm a kind person and I have a tendency to people please, but I don't want to do this because I don't really like what you're trying to get me to do. Sometimes you don't have to say the whole thought; they may not be entitled to the whole thing. That can be stuff that, you know, that I would love to help you out from my people pleasing part that you don't tell them that and yet I'm not going to be able to.
- Empathize. If they're trying to put you in a situation where they're going through something rough, and they need you to save them when they are the only ones who can take responsibility for their situation or their actions, you can say something to the effect of that sounds tough. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. You empathize with that sounds rough for you. I hear that that's hard for you. That sounds tough. And that's it. Again, don't commit, don't take it on. Just that sounds tough.
- Empathy with [Insert Feeling]. Again, you can use empathy, where you consider what they might be feeling or thinking or how the situation is for them and still refuse to take it on as your own. You can say something like I can tell that's difficult for you, for instance, or it sounds like that's really difficult for you, or it sounds like a tough situation. It sounds like that's a lot. I can understand why you would like me to be involved, but I'm not going to be able to, or just, wow, that sounds [insert feeling], and put a period at the end of it and that's it. Just move on. Don't commit to anything.
- Unspoken "Fortunately" for Me. There's kind of an unspoken way that you don't have to explain yourself by saying, but unfortunately that's not something I'm going to be able to get in the middle of. The thing you're not saying is for you, unfortunately for you, I'm not going to be able to get in the middle of that. Fortunately for me, right, but unfortunately, I'd love to help, but I'm not going to be able to do that.
- Gray Rocking. Gray rocking is something that you may have heard in past podcasting or in narcissistic kind of circles. When someone is being a narcissist, as far as their behaviors go, they're trying to cause some emotions in somebody else by putting them down or by trying to make themselves appear higher in some way, like better or more skilled or more connected or whatever. There's this concept called gray rock, which basically means I am just going to be about as interesting to you as a gray rock. I am not going to get engaged with you. I am not going to engage in this discussion with you. I'm not going to fight with you. I'm not going to show you that this has gotten the best of me because that's what you're looking for. I'm not going to sacrifice myself in that way because you're being abusive and so I'm not putting up with it. I become as interesting as a gray rock, and basically that's it. Whatever they're saying, whatever they're trying to get you into, you just ignore it. You just don't say it. You just, again, kind of the non-committal, look away, get up, walk away again, you don't have acknowledge it or you can, and if you do, it should be pretty bland and not really engaging anything. If somebody is trying to say that what, you're too good for me, or why won't you help or anything that's trying to kind bait and goad you into some sort of argument or defensive posture, just use one of these. If they can't get to you, they can't get to you. As a side note: Everything needs to be done with an eye towards safety, though. If someone is in physical danger and you need to play along and even lie to get out of that space to be safe, that is absolutely something that I believe the Lord understands. So, if someone says, promise you're not going to tell somebody this, or I'll insert the threat here. Right, well, oh, I promise I won't tell anybody. Well, I won't tell anybody right now because I'm under threat of whatever the threat is. But you can better believe, buddy, I'm going to be telling somebody once I'm safely out of here. If you have to for safety's sake, you can play the game as you need to be able to get out and into safety. I'm not talking about situations where you are seriously in a physical endangerment situation. These are for things where someone is emotionally trying to put stuff on you that you need to act or feel or behave a certain way or think a certain way because they want you to. That's what these tools are for.
- Change the Subject. Let's say someone calls you and says, hey, I want to tell you about this horrible thing that just happened with your sister, and she's just this awful person who's doing this, and I hope you tell her how awful she's being. You can simply stack these and say, I'm sorry that's hard on you. Wow. Hey, did you see that? I got a new pair of tennis shoes from whatever. Did you know there's a sale? Okay, you can just totally switch topics.
- Cut It Off. Just cut it off by I got to go, or an emoji. Let's say it's by text. You can just do like a thumbs up, like I hear you right or something. Just non-committal again. It's kind of like the excuse me. Oh, excuse me, I've got to do [this]. Well, this is more like, okay, well, I got to whatever insert. But, you know, the unspoken is, I got to get out of here. Okay.
Now, in all of this, am I trying to say, oh, you should bear falsehood and you should lie? No, but I'm saying being as wise as serpents, as gentle as doves, if somebody is trying to put you in a position that hurts you and they are not a healthy, safe person, such that you can actually speak from your needs and your relationship as to what you need from them as well, in a safe and respectful way, you can use these tips. These are for such extreme situations where somebody is forcing you into a situation that is not okay with you and you're trying to figure out how to stay safe and not get roped into things that you don't want to get roped into, but that you might because you're a kind person. Again, safety and survival are primary.
If somebody is going to get upset if you use any of these, those feelings are on them. If you sense that them getting upset would be a physical danger to you, then please be very cautious and wise about whether you would use these techniques or not, because we don't want you to be in further harm. So, as always, this isn't professional counseling. It's just for informational purposes only. I hope you find these helpful. If you want to respond in the Facebook group or by Instagram and tell us which one of these are your favorite or which ones you'd like to start trying to use, or situations where you felt like other people are putting their stuff on you, that you really think these types of tools could help, we'd love to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed what you heard today and that it helped you in some way.
Again, I want to invite you to Mental Health for Christian Women on Instagram and Mental Health for Christian Women on Facebook. Search for those and you can connect and follow, and I'd love to interact with you on those platforms.
If you are somebody in a romantic relationship, looking for a partner in marriage, or somebody who is trying to instruct their son or daughter on what to look for and how to consider some things in getting together with somebody in that type of relationship, I am going to give you my personal and therapist kind of thoughts.
Where's My Experience Come from?
My personal thoughts come from believing in Jesus as you know, mental health for Christian women. So that is absolutely a part of informing what I'm about to say. I've also been married for nearly 28 years, so that's another part where I'm still married to the same first person I ever married and we have a very good relationship and it just keeps getting better. And I'm not just saying that. We've put in a lot of hard work and we have been blessed to have the fruit of that hard work pay off and we're really complementary and love each other and aligned in a lot of ways. And also as a therapist and marriage coach and marriage mentor who has sat on the other side of the room watching couples, listening to couples, hearing what people are saying, hearing what single women have said as they think about getting back into the dating scene. So I'm coming at it from multiple perspectives.
I'm also coming at it as somebody who didn't always know how to think about all of this stuff. I'm covering this as we had a mid-month listener meetup in July and it was something where one of the people who showed up was coming out of a divorce and asking: Is there something that she needs to be aware of or work on to make sure that it's not something she's doing to pick somebody who isn't going to be trustworthy or a good partner and doesn't want to replicate that again in a third relationship that leads to marriage?
The 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
Today I'm going to give my take on ten questions to ask yourself before getting into a dating relationship or if you're in a dating relationship before agreeing to marriage or going into marriage.
- For a person who considers themselves a Christian and by Christian I do not mean a person who acts one way, says they're a Christian and lives a different way. By Christian, I am defining it as someone who believes Jesus is the way, the one way to God, the truth and the life and lives their life in submission to God's will. God's way scripture the Holy Spirit's direction how God is leading and what God's truths are and conducts themselves in love and holiness and wise choices and seeking the Lord's direction in prayer and just this connection with God in relationship through scripture community, working on themselves, loving others, helping people, encouraging love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, goodness. These things that exemplify the fruits of the Spirit that we let the Lord lead our lives and we submit our lives to his direction and living it the way he would have to. Turning from the things that seem only right in our own eyes, only that we want to do the selfish human nature parts, committing sins and working against people. Those are not the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about having a real relationship with Jesus. Being the way to God and being able to say that and believe that and live that way doesn't mean being perfect, doesn't mean never having faults, doesn't mean never sinning. Means that the heart is right to say, Lord, I want what you want. Even if I'm struggling, I want to walk in your ways. Please help me correct this. Or what do you think about this? Or this is what I am feeling that I'm going to do, please intervene if this isn't actually right or I'm missing something or just having that connection to God to say hey, here's where I am, but you are the one I want to serve. And so that is what I mean when I say a person who is saved, a Christian believer, somebody who can honestly both say and live and believe that Jesus is Lord and that they have chosen to make him Lord of their lives and the way they live their lives. And so the first thing if that's you, then the first question to ask yourself is for anybody you're considering dating, and certainly for anybody you're considering marrying, is this person saved? So everything I just said is this person not just somebody who says, oh, there's probably a God, I'll go to church with you. I mean, that's great, but that's a friend, that's not a partner. Okay? If you are somebody who has made Jesus Lord of your life and you are with somebody who cannot say jesus is the Lord of my life, the one way and that actually lives that way, that is an automatic no. And I will hear people justify that and say, yeah, well, but and I can understand these different perspectives as far as well, this is true and this is true and it could be true. And maybe and as I've thought about it more and really had God just clarify it even more, to me, there really is no other bottom line, there cannot be a true unity in marriage, a true foundation that is united as one if your spirit is one with God. And the person you're married to is married to the world, so to speak, and not aligned with God because you're both coming from very true foundational discrepancies, right? You're coming from life and freedom and salvation. They are coming from sin, law, humanness, and no matter how quote unquote good they seem, you cannot join someone whose spirit has been redeemed by God and someone who is still on a pathway and a journey to hell. And that may sound very harsh and that may I would definitely be canceled in mainstream culture. And this isn't to condemn anybody. Like I'm not trying to put anybody down, I'm just speaking the truth in love that as a Christian, if you are seeking to date somebody, that may lead to marriage or even dating, because what's the purpose of dating if it's not going to lead to commitment and marriage? It would be friendship, right? I can go out with people and enjoy their company and not align my life with theirs. But if you're going to align your life with somebody in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, family wise, you can't overlook how important being connected and in agreement on the spiritual is. So that is what I'm saying. So the first question to ask yourself before getting into a dating or marriage relationship, preferably before dating, is, is this person saved? And that means not just by words, not just by beliefs, but by actions and the way that the fruit is shown true Christianity, not hypocrisy.
- Is this someone you would be happy to have by your side raising your child? So if they are somebody, let's say that you're already past having children. You don't want children. That's okay. This is more of an exercise in if you had a child, somebody that you loved so deeply and would do anything for and cared about protecting them, is this person someone you would trust to take care of them? To keep them safe, to not harm them, to not do things that are going to emotionally impact them. And they're going to have to undo it for the rest of their life. Is this person somebody that I would trust if I were raising a child? That doesn't mean you'd have to do everything the same, right? My husband used to jostle the babies playfully a lot more, like, you know, toss them gently into the air, and they loved it. And I'm like, oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness, I'm not going to do that. I might drop them. Right. But he was safe. He never dropped them. He was just loving them like a dad, and I was loving them like a mom, and they were both okay. They weren't hurting the kids in any way. It was just we chose different things, okay. And we could support that, right. I didn't have to throw them in the air. He didn't throw them high or anything. He just like and they had fun. And there are going to be differences like that, right? We're talking about are they going to be harmed? Are they going to be harmed? Or are they somebody that even if you find out that he fed them ice cream and let them watch TV while you were out, is he a safe person? Would he have cared about them if they weren't feeling well? Or would he say, oh, please don't eat that ice cream right now because your stomach might hurt? Would you trust his judgment? Another way to say that is would you trust your frail grandmother with him? So if somebody had to stay with your frail grandmother who was bedridden, would you trust him to attune to her and attend to her needs? Or would you feel like she wouldn't be safe? Like you wouldn't be sure, like, oh, my gosh, I better hurry and get back there so he doesn't drop her or doesn't say anything bad or doesn't hurt her in some way or isn't callous. So the most vulnerable people you can imagine loving would you trust this person and know that they have good for that person and that you can rest? If that's a no, that tells you something.
- Are you settling? Are you settling and settling often? Sounds like, well, this is great. I mean, yeah, there's this well, I mean, I think so, but well, I mean, I'd love this to change or if this happened, but nobody's perfect. It's kind of that minimizing of those things that if you're really honest with yourself and if it were like truth time, where all of your defenses, all of your desires to be with somebody, all of your hopes and dreams for what a romantic relationship looks like were to be able to step aside and you could just get real and honest with yourself in your heart and say, is this a settle for? And if there's any part of you that is like, actually, yeah, that is something to pay attention to.
- Do you feel safe in all areas with him? So is he somebody that you feel is mentally safe? So he respects your thoughts; he respects your right to think differently than him. He respects your feelings. He respects your needs, your perspective, your hopes, your desires. You know that you are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, communication wise safe with him. That doesn't mean, again, that he's perfect or that you will always agree on every nuance of things, but it means that he is safe to be with, talk with, share with, hear, negotiate with, in a respectful, supportive, connected way. Now, some people don't know how to do that. That's a skill that can be learned. But it's more the heart condition, the mental condition, the spiritual condition. Are they willing to learn? Are they willing to put in what it takes to be able to do that and gain those skills? Or are they somebody that you really can't trust, you can't feel safe with? Like, if you really had to say, did they get me? Did they get me at my core? Or am I having to stay guarded in some way, or am I having to deny my feelings? Or am I having to pretend I don't have those thoughts or feelings to be able to have this relationship with them? Those are red flags if those things come up.
- Are you better together than alone? Does he make you a better version of yourself? And I'm not saying he can make you be a better version of yourself, but when you're with him, does he contribute things that you're like that helps me to rise to a different level in myself. He's like refining you, like iron sharpens iron. And you can do that for him again. Neither one of you are going to be perfect. You're going to be unique individuals, but iron sharpens iron. We are both together, and we make each other stronger because of being together. We make each other more powerful, more impactful. We encourage each other. We're better together than we are alone.
- Do the people you trust in your life think this is a good match? Do they think this is a good idea, or do they have concerns? Now, you can decide whether you agree or disagree, that those are valid concerns. You have a right to think for yourself. But if there are people that you have in your trusted circle, for some reason they've been there. You go to them. You care about what they think. You think that they have your best interest at heart. They know where you are and the ways of the Lord and where you struggle and what you're dealing with. And these are solid people that you have in your corner. Again, not that they're not human, not that they're perfect, but that you can trust them. And if these people don't think this is a good idea or are bringing concerns to your attention, are you paying attention? Sometimes we try to close that out. Oh, yeah, they're just jealous. Oh, well they don't understand. Oh, well, they don't know if you're basically saying, yeah, but that's another area of a red flag. Because the people who you really can trust, the people who are safe, the people who are healthy and have a history of that in your life, most likely, if you know that they are somebody who cares about you, they are not taking it lightly to tell you their concerns. So it's worth giving a listen to and at least considering for yourself.
- Can he admit when he is wrong? And along with that, is he willing to course correct when he goes off path, whether accidentally or he realizes, oh my gosh, that was a bad idea or whatever, is he willing to course correct not to deflect, but to take ownership and go, oh gosh, I did mess up there. Let's do it this way instead, or I'm going to work on this, or here's what I'm doing to improve here, right? Is he willing to repent? Is he willing to ask for forgiveness of some willful sin? Is he willing to change his ways when he accidentally did something and he's like, there's got to be a way that I can continue to be aware of this so that I can continue to grow. So is he able to admit when he is wrong and to correct his course without blame, guilt, deflection?
- What is his history? Are they somebody who has learned from past failures and corrected them and done things God's way? What is his history? And I, again, don't mean he's had to be perfect or not have a history, but when you look at his history and the patterns in his life, if he has abused his previous girlfriend physically and you're like, oh, but he's never laid a hand on me. But he's never gone to anger management. He's never been able to tell you the work he's put in on it. He's never been able but you know what, I don't handle it that way anymore. I have other skills. Then there's a difference between, okay, in the past when I was struggling, I took this out on my girlfriend, and I deeply regret it, and I've repented and I've made amends with her. I've gone to therapy. I've done the right things, and that is not me anymore, is a whole different story than, yeah, well, I'd never hit you. I just did that to her because she was a real witch. It's like, no, that's about your behavior, buddy. So we're not going to minimize, we're not going to blame anybody else. If there has not been a change from past destruction, past sins, then that is likely to replicate again. So you need to be aware of that. So we want some proof, some fruit, some evidence that something different has happened. He's taken personal accountability and repented and changed and implemented and worked and done the hard work that needs to be done to make a new future, not repeat the past.
- Are you heard when you talk to him? Does he hear you or does he try to control you? Does he hear you and validate your words and try to understand and try to meet your needs? Doesn't mean he'll be able to meet every need, doesn't mean he'll be able to fix everything. But is his heart in a posture where you are valid, your thoughts are valid, your feelings are valid, your concerns are valid, your needs are valid, and you feel heard, you don't feel minimized, criticized, any of that blame, shame, or guilt we talked about earlier. You feel respected, heard, valid, and equal as a human being who has a right to expect to be treated well in a relationship.
- This is more of a body sensation. Do you feel relief when you see him? When he comes over after work and is like, hey, I'm here to pick you up for dinner and he shows up, do you feel relief or do you feel yourself kind of tightening up? Does your body run to him or run away from him? Do your arms swing open wide like, oh, I get to hug and kiss you? Or do you feel like you have to put up a protective barrier? Our bodies often know whether this person is safe or not, no matter what we try to tell them with our heads as to whether someone's safe or not. But to be able to know my body feels at peace with you or is my body on edge or tight or anxious?
Those are ten tips. They're certainly not all of the things that you could ask, but they're things to get you thinking. They're things that you can maybe pray about, consider, and look for.
