achieving goals

When I work with women through coaching or counseling appointments, I often hear the things that aren't said.  It's not like I audibly hear words, but more about knowing how to listen to hear what is focused on and what is avoided. This learned listening technique can speak louder than what is actually shared because it is often under the client's conscious awareness.  

For example, if a client tells me that she "shouldn't get so upset about something so unimportant," depending on the context, I might hear any of the following silent self-talk messages she struggles with internally:  

This unspoken information then helps me to understand what the deeper experience "feels" like for the client.  Are they feeling stuck, judged, not good enough, hurt, frustrated, powerless, etc...?"  As I ask them to share further, we can, together, be aware of the ways these internalized beliefs came about, what was needed to survive and connect with others in the past, and even what is presently helping or presently hindering the goals that the client is working toward attaining.

Do you know that it is not selfish to take care of you and your own needs? That is something that is super important, especially in the Christian lifestyle. So many Christian women struggle with it because they feel like they're not being self-sacrificing or they feel they should be this way, or they should be that way, but that doesn't involve putting their own thoughts, opinions, and needs into stuff. That is just not true. Here's the thing: How can we love other people as we would want them to love us and do unto others as you would have them do unto you if there is no you that is treated well? The way we go around treating ourselves as Christian women is sometimes worse than we would treat an enemy. Now, if you just chuckled at that, and you know what I mean, then this is for you.

You have to have a self. God, Himself, gave you a self, and that self being stewarded well, is not selfish. It's worship. It is absolutely worship to take care of the body and the being that the Lord granted you with at birth. Before birth, actually, I believe at conception that the Lord came in and made you. When he breathed life into you, you into existence, everything was already there. God was there. You were there, and your potential was there. How your body works was there. We need to know that it's okay to be us. You are not some extra secondhand thought that God had. You are absolutely important and known by God before you had one day of life.

So why? Why do you think that you shouldn't have a voice, a choice, needs, or desires or use your gifts or that you're not worth anything? Please, please, please hear me. This is so important. You must begin with you and God. You cannot change anything in your external world for the long haul in a good direction if you are not honest with yourself, you are depleted, you are resentful, you are exhausted, and you are just running on fumes; you have to reverse engineer it. Well, not really reverse engineer it. Reverse it. Forget the engineering part. You have to reverse it. You need to change up the priority. It needs to start with you and God. You've heard me say this before: you start in that inner circle with God and then branch out from there.

Branching out from there means things like self-care, and that means setting up boundaries as to what is acceptable treatment of you and what isn't. That means making choices that are stewarding well what's been given to you. That includes taking time to heal the stuff that's going on inside. That might be emotions that are hurting you repeatedly over years that you're still having trouble getting on top of, and you just keep hoping and praying it away, but it's still there and you need help with it. That could be your thoughts needing to be reframed in light of scripture and truth and more helpful ways of thinking. That could be taking time to simply have a nourishing breakfast and some good hydration and some time with the Lord. There are so many ways that you can steward yourself time with other people who are uplifting and that you can pour into as well.

Or maybe you just need to be poured into and you're going to pour into them when you get a chance. It's okay to be where you are. You've heard me say that before, too. You have so much power. Do not give it away. That's something that happens so often, is we say, I'll get to it another day, or I'm not as important as somebody else, or I don't need to worry about this right now. God will just take care of it. God will take care of things. But sometimes, many times, He's already given you the power to take care of the stewardship that He gave Adam in the garden. Right? To work the land. That was before the fall, that Adam was here to do something. God has put you here to do something and to do something well. You need to have your tools: your body, your mind, your emotions, your relationships, your supports, and your purpose all working together at least most of the time to really get some good traction.

So, if there are things that are getting in your way that are not giving you that good traction. Then that's an area to step up and say, I need to do something different. When people do that, sometimes they get overwhelmed and they try to figure out, well, what is that next step up or what would be the best way? Then that negative thought starts coming in. Stuff like, oh, well, you can't do that because of this or, well, no, that's not going to work because of this. That is that stuff called stinking thinking. There is a way to problem solve. No matter what you are going through, there is a way to do it in a way that works well for you. Even if the situation is unpleasant that you're going through, the way that you handle it can be beneficial and work well for you. And if that gets overwhelming for you, you might get that stress paralyzation that I've talked about, and we don't want you to have to get to that place.

I want you to understand that there is help available and you don't necessarily have to go to therapy. If you've been on the fence about, should I do therapy? It's kind of scary. I can't find a therapist. I don't know where to go. I highly recommend therapy. In my day job, I am a therapist. Yet, if that's not your first step, if that's not what you need right now, or if you need something more, get real with yourself. What do you need? Do you need to go join a gym? Do you need to just start walking with a buddy? Do you need to reach out and make a new friend and take them to lunch? Do you need to spend time in Bible study and prayer? Do you need time to connect with others and learn more so that you can grow and take the first steps? Whatever it is, just get real about it and then put forth that action. Be a good steward. Do what you need to with what's in your hand now and do. Don't get overwhelmed by the big picture. You don't have to have everything working all the time and all at once, but you can optimize things as you realize, hey, this is an area that I could use some improvement in.

If that area that you could use some improvement in is the area of self-care, I want to invite you to join the membership community. The membership community is a place where you can get support for reaching your personal goals. Whether you're ready for counseling or you're not, and you just want some tools and skills and coaching, this is a good thing. If you are in counseling, this is a good thing to come alongside it. That can also help strengthen the skills that you need as you go through the processing of the things that you need to. Or this can be a wonderful next step after therapy is concluded. This membership community can be a helpful companion to you, and you can use it the way that you want to use it. If you just want to get the monthly materials and access to the training vault, go for it, and you join us on a weekly Monday meeting call. If you want to ask me questions, you get coaching access to me through posting in the community. I will answer your questions. I will give you direction. If you ask for it, I will give you some help so that you can decide what's best for you to reach your goals. I'm not going to counsel you. We're not going to do anything to make you go past your level of comfort. We're going to push you a little bit outside of your comfort zone as far as what you are doing now, but not to a place where this has to be uncomfortable.

This is an excellent first step. If you've been thinking, I need help and you keep putting it off because yourself keeps getting pushed to the back burner, I want you to really understand that you are important. You are important. Everything in your life is affected by how well you treat yourself and how well you take care of the things God's entrusted to you; every relationship, every thought, every action, every goal is impacted by what you do with your thoughts, feelings, actions, choices, and your relationships. As I said, it all comes back to how you steward what begins with you and what begins with you began with God, so the two of you make an invincible team. There is good stuff there.

Please don't neglect it. This isn't because I'm trying to get some sale of the membership community. I would love for you to join the membership community, but this is because I see it all too often, Christian women who don't actually take time for themselves. There was a time where I didn't take care of myself in the sense that I would just not even buy myself clothes. I'd just wear my husband's old shirt, tie it up in a knot at the bottom, and say, okay, that's good enough, you know, or I'd wear the same thing all the time. I mean, yes, it'd be clean and washed, but I never expanded anything. Take care of myself or I didn't do the extra things like get a piece of jewelry that would make me feel good and confident in presenting myself professionally. These are things that, why not?

It's not a sin to do things that make you happy. They're not sin to do things that are necessary just for survival and self-care. They're not sin to be good stewards of what God's entrusted to you. When you have a well-developed self, you go out into the world well developed and well impactful, if that's even a word. You can be impactful because you have a solid base from which you're launching.