When I work with women through coaching or counseling appointments, I often hear the things that aren't said. It's not like I audibly hear words, but more about knowing how to listen to hear what is focused on and what is avoided. This learned listening technique can speak louder than what is actually shared because it is often under the client's conscious awareness.
For example, if a client tells me that she "shouldn't get so upset about something so unimportant," depending on the context, I might hear any of the following silent self-talk messages she struggles with internally:
Examples:
"My feelings and emotions are 'wrong.'"
"Feeling angry isn't okay."
"My needs aren't important compared to those of others."
"I've been shamed into feeling I need to deny myself."
This unspoken information then helps me to understand what the deeper experience "feels" like for the client. Are they feeling stuck, judged, not good enough, hurt, frustrated, powerless, etc...?" As I ask them to share further, we can, together, be aware of the ways these internalized beliefs came about, what was needed to survive and connect with others in the past, and even what is presently helping or presently hindering the goals that the client is working toward attaining.
A Few Examples of Self-Assessment Types of Questions:
This process is something that can be taught and learned. It basically takes a "bird's eye view" and asking things such as the following without judgment, shame, or blame, shoulds, or shouldn'ts:
- "What is really going on here?
- What does this mean?"
- "Where did this come from?"
- How did I need this to survive in my family growing up?
- When did this start to become a belief for me?
- What situations trigger this part of me to respond as I do?
- What am I trying to accomplish when I deny some parts of me and focus on others?
- How is this helpful to me?
- How is this unhelpful?
- What would I like to do with this information?
- What can help me to experience grace and hope towards myself that I can get from Biblical concepts?
- This week on the podcast, I share an interview discussion that I had with Dawn Marasco, Author of the book Continuous Peace.
- You can find out more about Dawn's story, ministry, and book by clicking here.
- If you didn't catch this week's podcast, you can download it on your favorite podcast player app, or Click Here.
- To join the Mental Health for Christian Women Membership Community where you can gain the mindset tools, support, and coaching to move from the hamster wheel
- of overwhelming mental chatter, shame, guilt, frustration, and the general "crazy" of life and into clarity, peace, simplicity, joy, and powerful living in the present moment, Click Here.
For technical or membership community related needs or questions, please contact: McKenzie Bittinger, Community Relations Assistant: communityrelations@mentalhealthforchristianwomen.com
Mental Health for Christian Women content is not to be considered professional counseling and is for informational purposes only. Users of the resources provided do so at their own risk and Mental Health for Christian Women can not be held liable for any harm which may or may not result by utilizing the information provided.
