When I work with women through coaching or counseling appointments, I often hear the things that aren't said. It's not like I audibly hear words, but more about knowing how to listen to hear what is focused on and what is avoided. This learned listening technique can speak louder than what is actually shared because it is often under the client's conscious awareness.
For example, if a client tells me that she "shouldn't get so upset about something so unimportant," depending on the context, I might hear any of the following silent self-talk messages she struggles with internally:
Examples:
"My feelings and emotions are 'wrong.'"
"Feeling angry isn't okay."
"My needs aren't important compared to those of others."
"I've been shamed into feeling I need to deny myself."
This unspoken information then helps me to understand what the deeper experience "feels" like for the client. Are they feeling stuck, judged, not good enough, hurt, frustrated, powerless, etc...?" As I ask them to share further, we can, together, be aware of the ways these internalized beliefs came about, what was needed to survive and connect with others in the past, and even what is presently helping or presently hindering the goals that the client is working toward attaining.
A Few Examples of Self-Assessment Types of Questions:
This process is something that can be taught and learned. It basically takes a "bird's eye view" and asking things such as the following without judgment, shame, or blame, shoulds, or shouldn'ts:
- "What is really going on here?
- What does this mean?"
- "Where did this come from?"
- How did I need this to survive in my family growing up?
- When did this start to become a belief for me?
- What situations trigger this part of me to respond as I do?
- What am I trying to accomplish when I deny some parts of me and focus on others?
- How is this helpful to me?
- How is this unhelpful?
- What would I like to do with this information?
- What can help me to experience grace and hope towards myself that I can get from Biblical concepts?
- This week on the podcast, I share an interview discussion that I had with Dawn Marasco, Author of the book Continuous Peace.
- You can find out more about Dawn's story, ministry, and book by clicking here.
- If you didn't catch this week's podcast, you can download it on your favorite podcast player app, or Click Here.
- To join the Mental Health for Christian Women Membership Community where you can gain the mindset tools, support, and coaching to move from the hamster wheel
- of overwhelming mental chatter, shame, guilt, frustration, and the general "crazy" of life and into clarity, peace, simplicity, joy, and powerful living in the present moment, Click Here.
For technical or membership community related needs or questions, please contact: McKenzie Bittinger, Community Relations Assistant: communityrelations@mentalhealthforchristianwomen.com
Mental Health for Christian Women content is not to be considered professional counseling and is for informational purposes only. Users of the resources provided do so at their own risk and Mental Health for Christian Women can not be held liable for any harm which may or may not result by utilizing the information provided.
Why a Mentor, Coach, or Therapist Can Help
Have you ever felt like the way you think of things seems right until other information comes along and gives you more clarity...shedding some light on the situation?
So, I had this experience recently. I was feeling pretty confident when I decided to run out for breakfast at McDonald's. I thought I'd just get a breakfast sandwich for myself and bring one back to be sweet to my husband on a recent Saturday. So, I did that, and I thought, oh, I can also go to the gym. I don't have anything planned. So, I'll get breakfast, drop one off for him, go to the gym and, oh, I didn't have my earbuds. So, I'll swap off the sandwich and then pick up my earbuds.
When I pulled into my car driveway, and we live in a very safe area, so I decided just to leave my drink in the cup holder, my phone on the dash, and leave the car unlocked because I was running quickly in and out and I would be right back.
The problem is, when I did that and started to head off towards the gym, my phone was gone, and my drink was gone, and I'm sitting there in the car going, what just happened? And so there were thoughts like, did someone steal from me? Are one of my kids playing a joke? Did I accidentally take it inside? Am I losing my mind? And I thought, well, I must have been just not paying attention that I took them inside. And so I'll just go inside and get it. And I went inside to look and there was no phone and there was no drink. And I had a distinct memory of leaving the phone on the dashboard and the drink in the cup holder. So at this point, it's like a Twilight zone kind of thing. It's feeling very surreal.
I'm not sure what's going on. Things are kind of topsy turvy within me because my logic is trying to figure something out. My emotional experience is feeling kind of discombobulated, and my husband didn't see my things either. However, even though I was confident that I had time to drive home, that I had time to swap out the sandwich and get the earbuds, that I had time and was turning around quickly so I could get back to the car so that I could have my stuff left in it and not have to carry it in with me, there was this piece of information that I was missing.
I had failed to consider that since my husband and I have the exact same make and model of cars, just different colors, that I had actually gotten into his car instead of mine. And the only way that I knew that is because he was trying to help me problem solve. And instead of being kind of flustered like I was, he was very calm and said my Bluetooth went off, and he said that I think that you tried to get into my car instead. Do you think that's what happened? Oh, actually, that makes a whole lot of sense.
I thought I was seeing everything clearly. I thought I calculated everything, thought I understood everything. And then I didn't understand why things weren't working, what got mixed up, and I couldn't understand not only why and what, but how. Like what happened? And with that one sentence, he was able to make so much sense of everything for me, just shining a light of clarity on my situation that I couldn't see for myself. And once he did, it sped up my progress. It got me into the car with my earbuds, going to the gym, had a nice workout, it was great. I was back on track. Better than ever, right?
That's what having a therapist or a coach or a mentor can do for you. They can see the things you can't because you're in the experience. Somebody who is trained from the outside to be able to hear and notice and ask intuitive questions, then explain things or offer tools that you may not know can speed up your clarity and your progress, saving you a lot of time, frustration, and that Twilight Zone kind of swirling.
