Have you ever wondered how to have better conversations with people and better relationships?
Tip #1: Respect the other person enough to put their needs first.
Stop thinking in your own mind what you wanna say. Stop thinking about how you wanna respond. Think about what they're trying to communicate, what they're trying to convey and match it if it is a thought then match it with a thought. If it is an emotion match it with an emotion so let's say that someone comes to you and they say I am really angry because I couldn't get an appointment at the doctors office. That is not the time to say why don't you call such and such as office. No it's the time to say oh that's a really frustrating. Matching emotion to emotion is going to give you a lot more in the way of connection with that person. Or if they are saying hey I'm just really wanting some help right now and you go oh that sounds frustrating they're gonna be like why aren't you helping me why aren't you giving me suggestions why aren't you giving me some ideas that maybe I can take you up on. We like to be heard and more than that we like to be identified with what we need to be identified with and that may be a thought or a problem-solving thing or it may simply be emotion to emotion connected and empathized with so you wanna be able to talk to somebody else based on what they are communicating where they are coming from rather than just looking at it from your perspective. You want to be able to match their need match where they're coming from now that does not mean not having your own self not having your own needs awareness being something that you filter through. That doesn't mean being taken advantage of or just going along with somebody else simply because you feel like you have to people please but what it means is that we want you to just first understand where the other person is coming from.
Tip #2: Know where you stand on things, don't just give in, speak respectfully what you need to communicate.
For instance if someone says something that you don't agree with it is totally OK to let them know that you disagree but do so respectfully and share your opinion in a well thought out way. Such that they can also respect that you may have a different opinion or a different point of view so we want to do that for other people and then we want to express ourselves no matter whether we agree or disagree. We want to be able to share respectfully whether we agree or we don't or something relevant to the conversation so the first one is meet the other person on the terms of where they are what they need and communicating that affirmation Of Even if you don't agree with what they're saying the fact that you hear them you respect them as a person their voice is valuable to you and number two to be able to convey with respect for yourself and the other person your own part of the conversation you are equally as important in conversations and so you do not have to bow out you do not have to people please. You don't have to cave or fawn as we call it so that people will like you. People who are healthy can handle people with other points of view they can handle people with other perspectives that's what riches all of us now of course. That's not if there is a Biblical mandate right that we are going to then convince someone to send or be convinced to sin but there's a lot of gray space that isn't just black or white it's not just sin or not and it's a lot of variation about how people see things or What lenses they're looking through as they evaluate things and humans are humans with different perspectives different experiences and there are things that we can communicate and understand each other better we don't have to change each other to be able to mutually respect each other.
Tip #3: Don't try to change somebody, Seek to communicate clearly and to understand where the other person is coming from.
seek to have an authentic human to human connection rather than an agenda for change or an agenda for have to get them to do something or take a certain action. Just allow them to come to you or you to go to them with no agenda no change just acceptance of them as a person and that they have a point of view or that they have something to offer in a relationship again whether you agree or not you can still voice that but it's not about trying to get them to see your way or to have to do things in your way. It is about being able to tolerate the fact that each person Has value and each person's voice and what they're trying to communicate is important even if the content isn't something that you value. The person and the fact that they are trying to have a relationship with you in a communication Connection with you is valuable in itself.
Tip #4: Get past yourself and look at the commonalities.
Every person wants to be understood every person wants to be cared for. Every person wants to be respected. Every person wants to know that they are seen and loved. And so if you can provide that for another person you can get out of your own way and stop having this performance anxiety for how do I make friends, what if they don't like me, what if this isn't being thought of in a positive way, what if I mess up. It takes all that off the table when you say you know what I know they are a person and I know I'm a person and I'm going to show up with care and respect and love And integrity. Everybody can respect that that is something that even the most hardened of hearts can at least know that they are being talked to by somebody who is being authentic, who is having integrity in their interactions who is trying to one of them but who is simply not insecure about communicating with them realizing that you have something to offer As does the other person have something that you can learn from them.
Tip #5: when we can seek to learn, we can get curious about people.
When we can get curious we can ask effective questions so that we can draw them out and that helps us have connection. Again with respect we don't want to badger people with questions. But when you come at it with a hey I'd really like to know more about you or that's really interesting what you just said there can you tell me more about that or where did you come up with that idea. That's really neat I'd love to learn more. Those are the types of things that allow people to get to know you better and allow you to get to know them better the more that we look at communication and relationships as collaborations not brainwashing not one upmanship you know of a competition or a comparison or a put down or a who's better or who has the biggest car or whatever. And instead we look at it as how can I show up as a person who has a lot to offer Meeting another person who has a lot to offer and communicate on something to both of us when you look for the win-win when you look for the connection when you look for the humanity and the shared experience it can bring such great feelings inside and that is good for your mental health. A cheerful heart is good like a medicine the Bible says. A cheerful heart is good for your bones and there is cheer, there is joy when we feel connected to somebody when we feel understood, when we feel that friendship and camaraderie. It really helps us feel better about ourselves.
I just spent the week with my husband's family and our adult kids in Arizona for my husband's parents 60th wedding anniversary. A family reunion of sorts and it was so wonderful. At one point I think the number of us Totals 14 different people and we were all in various configurations at different points in time during the party celebration. Sometimes I'm talking to my mother-in-law or talking to one of my kids or talking to one of my kids significant others or talking with my nephews or whatever it was. But there were these connections where every person there had something to offer and it was fascinating and they also were curious about me and about the other family members who were there because it wasn't just about us it was about caring about the other person too. Does that mean that we saw everything from the same point of view? Does that mean that we agreed on everything? Does that mean that we all connected the same way as everybody else in each relationship? Of course not, What it meant was we all connected through mutual respect and curiosity kindness sharing those are the things that allow relationships to continue to grow good communication allows relationships to grow having good communication is more than just talking at somebody or convincing them to see things your way or worrying about what they say about you or what they think about you. Good communication and relationships are a two-way street where each person is responsible for connecting themselves with the other person and the other person to reciprocate. When that is done well Where both parties are listening to each other without trying to push any agenda and just really here and connect even if we disagree we can grow closer. Even if we didn't see eye to eye on everything or have different personalities or different preferences. It isn't about who's better or worse or criticizing or anything like that it is about let me learn more about you. Let me show Christ love towards you, let me give you a good experience and when healthy people do that for each other it is so satisfying Mentally, Emotionally, physically, energetically, spiritually. You know we all went to church as a large family group on Sunday and it was wonderful! We took up two whole rows and it was really really great! Some of us have the same kind of church background and some of us don't and yet we all were able to go and worship the same God no matter what the preferences were no matter how we typically do worship no matter who the pastor typically, is no matter that we don't typically go to this church. But we went and we all respected going to this church and having this time of worship together We have more in common as Christian believers than we have separating us or different and that's how it is with human beings even people who are not Christians there's more that we have in common with how human beings have natural desires for connection and being understood and communication and being valued. That it's worth putting the stuff aside putting the insecurities aside putting the trying to change somebody aside putting the agendas aside putting the talking at each other aside and really have some good curious affirming relationships that doesn't mean affirming sin that means affirming the fact that this person that you are seeking to love in action By communicating and hearing them Is worth doing it is worth it to hear another person it is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. And so if there is something that God needs to change in someone else's heart then that's up to God Our job is to be kind. Our job is to be loving our job is to be caring and in that there's no place for self-consciousness or insecurity or people pleasing or trying to make sure that everybody believes exactly as we do. It's OK to offer what you have to give But also to recognize that there are ways that are received much better than others rather than with a critical tone maybe suggesting that you talk about something because you see something differently. Or what if you might use the term what if we try to talk about this in this way so that it goes better than the last time where it erupted in an argument so to speak. Or how about we take some time to ask each other really deep questions and really listen to each other's answers now this doesn't mean not to encourage each other in God's word this simply means that there are some basic principles to good communication and good connection. That can be practiced that allow us to have this love of heaven for our fellow man among us fellow man or woman right among us. Because we're all human And God made each of us and we all have something to offer and we also have so much to teach and share and connect on.
I hope that's encouraging to you if you have trouble making friends or you don't know how to have conversations they keep ending up in stalemates or things aren't working go back to the five tips that I shared And see how they can benefit you see if there's a way that you can improve upon it so that your connections in your communication can be more helpful.
If you're here today and you are here because you are eager to hear the ten ways to respond or to act when someone is trying to put their thoughts, feelings and emotions on you.
Let's just first talk about emotions and relationships and how those go together. When we're in a relationship with somebody else, whether that is a romantic relationship, a family relationship, a work relationship, church relationship, just going to the grocery store, there's a relationship between us and the cashier, right? Anytime we're in a relationship with somebody, there is the potential for there to be a desired action or thought or feeling either communicated by one or the other person and sometimes expectations from the other person.
For example, if we're talking about being in a grocery store and having a relationship with a cashier, the cashier may think, I want this person to check out and get their receipt and move on to the next one. They're expecting you, as the person who is going through the checkout line, is going to respond a certain way or act a certain way. Now, if you started tap dancing on their cash register, that would be against the expectation. While that could be something that you can do, it's not really helpful to the relationship because they need to do their job and move the groceries along. The expectation of a customer in that situation is that the customer pays for their groceries and goes home. We're not talking about expectations that are reasonable within the transaction as far as the context of the relationship goes, right.
In a marriage, it's totally understandable for a husband and a wife to have a discussion about going out for food, for instance, oh, I would like to go here. And where would you like to go? Okay, well, I'd like to go there. Oh, actually I'd love to do that for you, but I can't because remember, I have this allergy. Or remember the last time we went there, that waitress really turned me off when she put her finger in the butter or whatever. Right. There are reasonable things that we need to negotiate and say, okay, this isn't going to work for me, but I hear it's going to work for you, but maybe there's something we can both work with that we can agree to.
In relationships, there are both the context of what the expectations are and also just within the normal course of respecting each other and interacting with other people and also in being able to have our preferences and to make requests and expect somebody who cares about us to be able to hear that and try to find a satisfactory negotiation that works for both parties. It's kind of like that analogy of people fighting over an orange and then they figured out that one of them needed the outside zest for flavoring for a cake and the other wanted to make orange juice. There was actually no problem there. So, they each got what they needed. Ultimately that's a good way to look at things. How can we both get our needs met as much as it is healthy, reasonable, helpful and in the context of our relationship? I'm not talking about things like that.
This is when people bring up something that they feel you should be doing because of some situation they've gotten themselves into, or where people try to tell you what side you should take, an action they want you to have, a conversation that they think you should have for someone else, or they basically put their responsibilities onto you. They do it in such a way that there is discomfort or pressure, or somehow without you even knowing how you got into this awkward situation where your feelings, your thoughts and your action choices almost seem difficult to stand up for because, one, it's probably unexpected or two, there's probably a lot of things going through your mind at that point because you're trying to figure out, well, wait a minute: Am I supposed to be nice here because of who this person is? Am I supposed to stand up for myself? Am I supposed to understand where they're coming from? It's confusing because we start to question how we're supposed to respond when someone puts us in a situation that's uncomfortable for us.
10 Ways to Respond When Someone Tries to Put Their Stuff on You
I want to give you ten ways that you can respond or act when someone is trying to put their stuff on you which are easily stackable too. You might need to use a couple of these or keep them in your back pocket for certain types of things so that you have some tools for when the unexpected comes up and someone is imposing on you in some way that you cannot support.
- I Hear You. You can say I hear what you're saying and just resist saying more. It's like, I hear what you're saying, period and don't offend. Don't explain yourself if they're not going to actually listen to you or work with you and they just want you to do something for them that is unreasonable or putting things of pressure on you or things that you don't agree with or sharing how they feel and trying to get you to join in, like to tear somebody else down or something like that, you can simply respond. I hear what you're saying, period. And you can stack this with the next one.
- Excuse Yourself from the Situation. You can say I can hear what you're saying. I hope things go well for you. Sorry, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to go, I've got to run. Right, so you can also excuse yourself from situations where you're uncomfortable. Excuse me, I need to run to the restroom right now. I'm sorry, I've got to take another call and then take another call, call somebody else or I apologize, but I can't stay here right now. I'm in the middle of something. The thing you're in the middle of is getting away from this awkward conversation, right? You can just respond, oh, I hear what you're saying is the first one without having to defend or explain yourself.
- Reflect Back. You can just simply reflect back, almost giving a flavor of that's interesting that you see it that way and I hear you, but all I'm going to say is sometimes it doesn't need anything more than that and then just refuse to commit to anything further. Saying something like that's so interesting, and not engaging further or try to give them something that I'm not willing to give. I'm just going to hear them and not commit to anything.
- Just Can't Help Right Now. You can say something like I would love to help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to now. This can also work in that, oh, I'm just not going to be able to help with that. Or I wish I could help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to, as well as I would love to help you out, but I'm just not going to be able to. Those can both be with an unspoken I would love to because I'm a kind person and I have a tendency to people please, but I don't want to do this because I don't really like what you're trying to get me to do. Sometimes you don't have to say the whole thought; they may not be entitled to the whole thing. That can be stuff that, you know, that I would love to help you out from my people pleasing part that you don't tell them that and yet I'm not going to be able to.
- Empathize. If they're trying to put you in a situation where they're going through something rough, and they need you to save them when they are the only ones who can take responsibility for their situation or their actions, you can say something to the effect of that sounds tough. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. You empathize with that sounds rough for you. I hear that that's hard for you. That sounds tough. And that's it. Again, don't commit, don't take it on. Just that sounds tough.
- Empathy with [Insert Feeling]. Again, you can use empathy, where you consider what they might be feeling or thinking or how the situation is for them and still refuse to take it on as your own. You can say something like I can tell that's difficult for you, for instance, or it sounds like that's really difficult for you, or it sounds like a tough situation. It sounds like that's a lot. I can understand why you would like me to be involved, but I'm not going to be able to, or just, wow, that sounds [insert feeling], and put a period at the end of it and that's it. Just move on. Don't commit to anything.
- Unspoken "Fortunately" for Me. There's kind of an unspoken way that you don't have to explain yourself by saying, but unfortunately that's not something I'm going to be able to get in the middle of. The thing you're not saying is for you, unfortunately for you, I'm not going to be able to get in the middle of that. Fortunately for me, right, but unfortunately, I'd love to help, but I'm not going to be able to do that.
- Gray Rocking. Gray rocking is something that you may have heard in past podcasting or in narcissistic kind of circles. When someone is being a narcissist, as far as their behaviors go, they're trying to cause some emotions in somebody else by putting them down or by trying to make themselves appear higher in some way, like better or more skilled or more connected or whatever. There's this concept called gray rock, which basically means I am just going to be about as interesting to you as a gray rock. I am not going to get engaged with you. I am not going to engage in this discussion with you. I'm not going to fight with you. I'm not going to show you that this has gotten the best of me because that's what you're looking for. I'm not going to sacrifice myself in that way because you're being abusive and so I'm not putting up with it. I become as interesting as a gray rock, and basically that's it. Whatever they're saying, whatever they're trying to get you into, you just ignore it. You just don't say it. You just, again, kind of the non-committal, look away, get up, walk away again, you don't have acknowledge it or you can, and if you do, it should be pretty bland and not really engaging anything. If somebody is trying to say that what, you're too good for me, or why won't you help or anything that's trying to kind bait and goad you into some sort of argument or defensive posture, just use one of these. If they can't get to you, they can't get to you. As a side note: Everything needs to be done with an eye towards safety, though. If someone is in physical danger and you need to play along and even lie to get out of that space to be safe, that is absolutely something that I believe the Lord understands. So, if someone says, promise you're not going to tell somebody this, or I'll insert the threat here. Right, well, oh, I promise I won't tell anybody. Well, I won't tell anybody right now because I'm under threat of whatever the threat is. But you can better believe, buddy, I'm going to be telling somebody once I'm safely out of here. If you have to for safety's sake, you can play the game as you need to be able to get out and into safety. I'm not talking about situations where you are seriously in a physical endangerment situation. These are for things where someone is emotionally trying to put stuff on you that you need to act or feel or behave a certain way or think a certain way because they want you to. That's what these tools are for.
- Change the Subject. Let's say someone calls you and says, hey, I want to tell you about this horrible thing that just happened with your sister, and she's just this awful person who's doing this, and I hope you tell her how awful she's being. You can simply stack these and say, I'm sorry that's hard on you. Wow. Hey, did you see that? I got a new pair of tennis shoes from whatever. Did you know there's a sale? Okay, you can just totally switch topics.
- Cut It Off. Just cut it off by I got to go, or an emoji. Let's say it's by text. You can just do like a thumbs up, like I hear you right or something. Just non-committal again. It's kind of like the excuse me. Oh, excuse me, I've got to do [this]. Well, this is more like, okay, well, I got to whatever insert. But, you know, the unspoken is, I got to get out of here. Okay.
Now, in all of this, am I trying to say, oh, you should bear falsehood and you should lie? No, but I'm saying being as wise as serpents, as gentle as doves, if somebody is trying to put you in a position that hurts you and they are not a healthy, safe person, such that you can actually speak from your needs and your relationship as to what you need from them as well, in a safe and respectful way, you can use these tips. These are for such extreme situations where somebody is forcing you into a situation that is not okay with you and you're trying to figure out how to stay safe and not get roped into things that you don't want to get roped into, but that you might because you're a kind person. Again, safety and survival are primary.
If somebody is going to get upset if you use any of these, those feelings are on them. If you sense that them getting upset would be a physical danger to you, then please be very cautious and wise about whether you would use these techniques or not, because we don't want you to be in further harm. So, as always, this isn't professional counseling. It's just for informational purposes only. I hope you find these helpful. If you want to respond in the Facebook group or by Instagram and tell us which one of these are your favorite or which ones you'd like to start trying to use, or situations where you felt like other people are putting their stuff on you, that you really think these types of tools could help, we'd love to hear from you. I hope you enjoyed what you heard today and that it helped you in some way.
Again, I want to invite you to Mental Health for Christian Women on Instagram and Mental Health for Christian Women on Facebook. Search for those and you can connect and follow, and I'd love to interact with you on those platforms.
