When I work with women through coaching or counseling appointments, I often hear the things that aren't said. It's not like I audibly hear words, but more about knowing how to listen to hear what is focused on and what is avoided. This learned listening technique can speak louder than what is actually shared because it is often under the client's conscious awareness.
For example, if a client tells me that she "shouldn't get so upset about something so unimportant," depending on the context, I might hear any of the following silent self-talk messages she struggles with internally:
Examples:
"My feelings and emotions are 'wrong.'"
"Feeling angry isn't okay."
"My needs aren't important compared to those of others."
"I've been shamed into feeling I need to deny myself."
This unspoken information then helps me to understand what the deeper experience "feels" like for the client. Are they feeling stuck, judged, not good enough, hurt, frustrated, powerless, etc...?" As I ask them to share further, we can, together, be aware of the ways these internalized beliefs came about, what was needed to survive and connect with others in the past, and even what is presently helping or presently hindering the goals that the client is working toward attaining.
A Few Examples of Self-Assessment Types of Questions:
This process is something that can be taught and learned. It basically takes a "bird's eye view" and asking things such as the following without judgment, shame, or blame, shoulds, or shouldn'ts:
- "What is really going on here?
- What does this mean?"
- "Where did this come from?"
- How did I need this to survive in my family growing up?
- When did this start to become a belief for me?
- What situations trigger this part of me to respond as I do?
- What am I trying to accomplish when I deny some parts of me and focus on others?
- How is this helpful to me?
- How is this unhelpful?
- What would I like to do with this information?
- What can help me to experience grace and hope towards myself that I can get from Biblical concepts?
- This week on the podcast, I share an interview discussion that I had with Dawn Marasco, Author of the book Continuous Peace.
- You can find out more about Dawn's story, ministry, and book by clicking here.
- If you didn't catch this week's podcast, you can download it on your favorite podcast player app, or Click Here.
- To join the Mental Health for Christian Women Membership Community where you can gain the mindset tools, support, and coaching to move from the hamster wheel
- of overwhelming mental chatter, shame, guilt, frustration, and the general "crazy" of life and into clarity, peace, simplicity, joy, and powerful living in the present moment, Click Here.
For technical or membership community related needs or questions, please contact: McKenzie Bittinger, Community Relations Assistant: communityrelations@mentalhealthforchristianwomen.com
Mental Health for Christian Women content is not to be considered professional counseling and is for informational purposes only. Users of the resources provided do so at their own risk and Mental Health for Christian Women can not be held liable for any harm which may or may not result by utilizing the information provided.
You know the concept of "both, and?" It's something I talk with clients a lot about, but it's also something I live. Things can be hard and good at the same time. Things can be bitter and sweet at the same time. Things can be, well, things can be rough sometimes, and yet they can still be something that God is using in our lives for good. Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for good. To those who love God and are called according to his purpose, and that is a promise. That is a truth, and sometimes that's hard to see.
Sometimes life is just clipping along wonderfully, and things are great. And sometimes there are just things, just things: job stressors, medical issues, bills, seasonal affective disorder, winter. Some people love winter. Some people love spring. It's "both, and." It can both be great and be Christmas time and be joyful, and it can be hard, emotional, stressful, sad, glorious, wonderful, fabulous, exciting. It can be "both, and."
I want to give you permission to just give yourself permission. You don't need my permission, but if you need a permission slip to give yourself permission, to be okay with "both, and" which doesn't mean you love the feelings that aren't pleasant or that the stressors are fabulous, but the "both, and" can sometimes make things a bit more manageable. It's like an acceptance that, okay, right now, there's more than one thing that I'm feeling, and there's more than one thing that is contributing to this. We have physical bodies. We have relationships. We have things we have to work towards, or performances, maybe, that you're giving for the holidays or hosting. There's a lot that goes into this time of year, but honestly, there's a lot that goes into being a human, and it's a "both, and" experience as a human. We all want the good stuff, and sometimes the way we appreciate the good stuff is because we've been through the bad, so we know how good the good is, and we want to hold on to that.
I want to just give you that reframe; that good is coming. Good is God. Good is what we can trust in. If it's not good, it's not over yet. We can see good in the land of the living, and also on the other side, when we get to heaven, we can see good there. So, either way, it turns out good for us. So, if it's not good, good still coming. The story is not over yet.
Now, today, my husband and I made a decision, because as much as we have a lot of blessings that we're thrilled about and a lot of things that are going well for us, it's also been a little bit stressful. We've each had a bunch of different things that are, like, nothing life shattering, but just enough things in different areas that are making the "both, and" something very apparent right now, and we're trying to embrace the really good. But we also know that, yeah, there have been some really stressful stressors.
The Pollyanna Game
So, I want to play a game with you and encourage you to maybe play a game with us. The game we are playing is basically the Pollyanna game. The Pollyanna game, if, you know, the old Disney movie, is where Haley Mills' character is so positive, like, she even breaks her legs and she's like, still, everything turns out positive for her.
So, I said to my husband this morning, "What if we just don't say anything negative today? What if we don't do any negative sounds? We don't say anything negative. We just focus on the positive, turn things towards good, and just put that energy out there, right. And just say good things and speak joy, speak light, speak energy."
This past weekend I was speaking a lot of, "Oh, I'm exhausted," and I decided today to say, " Well, it's okay because I'm getting my energy back." That type of thing. That's not exactly what happened this morning, but that's the kind of reframe that I'm giving you as an example. I'm still working on getting my energy back. So, it may not be something that I am fully feeling, but it is something that I feel a whole lot more when I speak it in truth and faith and in a good, positive way rather than, "oh, my gosh, I think I'm dying. I don't have any energy to get out of bed." It's a lot better to go, "You know what? I've gotten some really good rest because I've allowed myself to take that time and just have some good snuggle downtime. And I'm taking care of myself and I'm going to get back to 100% even better, 2024. I'm going to be really healthy because I'm doing the right things now and I know everything's going to be energized and be better." That gives me a lot more oomph than focusing on I don't feel so good there.
When I stood up, I was wearing these shoes for Christmas service last night and they kind of hurt my legs. It's a lot better to say, "Wow. Christmas service last night was amazing. We had a great time. It was our middle child, our 22-year-old daughter, my husband, and myself, and we went to Christmas Eve service, even though it wasn't Christmas Eve. It was wonderful and it was beautiful. We did candlelight singing of 'Silent Night,' and it was just joyful. Then we went out to eat, and we had great time together!"
Now, I could have been, "Oh, my other kids aren't here. My son's doing some stuff with his fiancé's family. My daughter is with some friends. My other daughter is with some friends on a trip right now." It was us and one of our kids, and it was wonderful. It made possible for our middle kid to have some only child time, even though she's an adult. We had a really great time. In fact, we recorded a jokes episode for Christmas, corny jokes that's coming up on Thursday that you may want to tune in for.
If you have kids, young kids especially, you may want to have them listen in because there's just a bunch of cute corny jokes that we just share. We did this last year, and this year, I wanted to do it again. So, Thursday, you can get some happy, corny jokes if you would like to. We did that after the church service, and then we had a nice dinner and such. I could have been, "oh, but the other kids aren't here. Oh, but I miss them." which are true. They weren't there, and I do miss them when they're not here, but that doesn't mean I wasn't enjoying fully the time we had with our other daughter and fully the experience and fully the blessings and what that made possible. It made possible for us to just focus on her and for us to really hear her and for us to all have a really nice memory building time together.
Whether it's everyday life or special holiday seasons, where there is a lot going on, whether you're going through a stressful time in life, you can choose what energy you bring to it. Sometimes we forget that. Sometimes we're like, oh, this is just really hard, and that may be very, very true, but if you play the Pollyanna game, it could be, "This is really hard, but what does this make possible? But what will we get here that we didn't otherwise?"
So maybe you're making Christmas dinner, and you burn the green bean casserole. Hey, what a great memory. Remember the year that mom burned the green bean casserole, and the fire department came? Right? Or, oh, wow, I did a horrible job on wrapping these gifts. But you know what? It's the thought that counts, and I never said I was an artist, and I hope you like it anyhow. And maybe it gives you some laughs, because I really don't do so hot at how I wrap things, and they're kind of comical looking, right? So maybe it's just okay.
Maybe everything has a silver lining, or many things have a silver lining. And I think that it's up to us to look for the silver lining, to speak the silver lining, to be energized by the hope and the silver lining of knowing that if it's not good, it's not over, that we can find humor and we can find good things, and we can appreciate simply by refining our focus on what's good, pure, lovely, and true.
So, while I may be tired today, I'm excited, because today I happen to have the day off to relax or to work or to clear my head and pray it's okay to put energy out there, take care of yourself, and realize that in the "both, and," we still have a choice of where we focus, what we speak and how we let the positive energy be a light instead of letting the darkness be the focus. It doesn't mean that there aren't some shades of darkness; it means that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it.
So, if you want to play the Pollyanna game with my husband and me today, or through the Christmas season or for as long as you like, that's what we're doing right now. If I end up burning something or don't get enough of something for the holidays, for the company that's coming or whatever, it's no big deal. No one's going to remember next year at this time anyhow, unless it's a great memory. Like I burned the green bean casserole!
