Have you ever wondered how to have better conversations with people and better relationships?
Tip #1: Respect the other person enough to put their needs first.
Stop thinking in your own mind what you wanna say. Stop thinking about how you wanna respond. Think about what they're trying to communicate, what they're trying to convey and match it if it is a thought then match it with a thought. If it is an emotion match it with an emotion so let's say that someone comes to you and they say I am really angry because I couldn't get an appointment at the doctors office. That is not the time to say why don't you call such and such as office. No it's the time to say oh that's a really frustrating. Matching emotion to emotion is going to give you a lot more in the way of connection with that person. Or if they are saying hey I'm just really wanting some help right now and you go oh that sounds frustrating they're gonna be like why aren't you helping me why aren't you giving me suggestions why aren't you giving me some ideas that maybe I can take you up on. We like to be heard and more than that we like to be identified with what we need to be identified with and that may be a thought or a problem-solving thing or it may simply be emotion to emotion connected and empathized with so you wanna be able to talk to somebody else based on what they are communicating where they are coming from rather than just looking at it from your perspective. You want to be able to match their need match where they're coming from now that does not mean not having your own self not having your own needs awareness being something that you filter through. That doesn't mean being taken advantage of or just going along with somebody else simply because you feel like you have to people please but what it means is that we want you to just first understand where the other person is coming from.
Tip #2: Know where you stand on things, don't just give in, speak respectfully what you need to communicate.
For instance if someone says something that you don't agree with it is totally OK to let them know that you disagree but do so respectfully and share your opinion in a well thought out way. Such that they can also respect that you may have a different opinion or a different point of view so we want to do that for other people and then we want to express ourselves no matter whether we agree or disagree. We want to be able to share respectfully whether we agree or we don't or something relevant to the conversation so the first one is meet the other person on the terms of where they are what they need and communicating that affirmation Of Even if you don't agree with what they're saying the fact that you hear them you respect them as a person their voice is valuable to you and number two to be able to convey with respect for yourself and the other person your own part of the conversation you are equally as important in conversations and so you do not have to bow out you do not have to people please. You don't have to cave or fawn as we call it so that people will like you. People who are healthy can handle people with other points of view they can handle people with other perspectives that's what riches all of us now of course. That's not if there is a Biblical mandate right that we are going to then convince someone to send or be convinced to sin but there's a lot of gray space that isn't just black or white it's not just sin or not and it's a lot of variation about how people see things or What lenses they're looking through as they evaluate things and humans are humans with different perspectives different experiences and there are things that we can communicate and understand each other better we don't have to change each other to be able to mutually respect each other.
Tip #3: Don't try to change somebody, Seek to communicate clearly and to understand where the other person is coming from.
seek to have an authentic human to human connection rather than an agenda for change or an agenda for have to get them to do something or take a certain action. Just allow them to come to you or you to go to them with no agenda no change just acceptance of them as a person and that they have a point of view or that they have something to offer in a relationship again whether you agree or not you can still voice that but it's not about trying to get them to see your way or to have to do things in your way. It is about being able to tolerate the fact that each person Has value and each person's voice and what they're trying to communicate is important even if the content isn't something that you value. The person and the fact that they are trying to have a relationship with you in a communication Connection with you is valuable in itself.
Tip #4: Get past yourself and look at the commonalities.
Every person wants to be understood every person wants to be cared for. Every person wants to be respected. Every person wants to know that they are seen and loved. And so if you can provide that for another person you can get out of your own way and stop having this performance anxiety for how do I make friends, what if they don't like me, what if this isn't being thought of in a positive way, what if I mess up. It takes all that off the table when you say you know what I know they are a person and I know I'm a person and I'm going to show up with care and respect and love And integrity. Everybody can respect that that is something that even the most hardened of hearts can at least know that they are being talked to by somebody who is being authentic, who is having integrity in their interactions who is trying to one of them but who is simply not insecure about communicating with them realizing that you have something to offer As does the other person have something that you can learn from them.
Tip #5: when we can seek to learn, we can get curious about people.
When we can get curious we can ask effective questions so that we can draw them out and that helps us have connection. Again with respect we don't want to badger people with questions. But when you come at it with a hey I'd really like to know more about you or that's really interesting what you just said there can you tell me more about that or where did you come up with that idea. That's really neat I'd love to learn more. Those are the types of things that allow people to get to know you better and allow you to get to know them better the more that we look at communication and relationships as collaborations not brainwashing not one upmanship you know of a competition or a comparison or a put down or a who's better or who has the biggest car or whatever. And instead we look at it as how can I show up as a person who has a lot to offer Meeting another person who has a lot to offer and communicate on something to both of us when you look for the win-win when you look for the connection when you look for the humanity and the shared experience it can bring such great feelings inside and that is good for your mental health. A cheerful heart is good like a medicine the Bible says. A cheerful heart is good for your bones and there is cheer, there is joy when we feel connected to somebody when we feel understood, when we feel that friendship and camaraderie. It really helps us feel better about ourselves.
I just spent the week with my husband's family and our adult kids in Arizona for my husband's parents 60th wedding anniversary. A family reunion of sorts and it was so wonderful. At one point I think the number of us Totals 14 different people and we were all in various configurations at different points in time during the party celebration. Sometimes I'm talking to my mother-in-law or talking to one of my kids or talking to one of my kids significant others or talking with my nephews or whatever it was. But there were these connections where every person there had something to offer and it was fascinating and they also were curious about me and about the other family members who were there because it wasn't just about us it was about caring about the other person too. Does that mean that we saw everything from the same point of view? Does that mean that we agreed on everything? Does that mean that we all connected the same way as everybody else in each relationship? Of course not, What it meant was we all connected through mutual respect and curiosity kindness sharing those are the things that allow relationships to continue to grow good communication allows relationships to grow having good communication is more than just talking at somebody or convincing them to see things your way or worrying about what they say about you or what they think about you. Good communication and relationships are a two-way street where each person is responsible for connecting themselves with the other person and the other person to reciprocate. When that is done well Where both parties are listening to each other without trying to push any agenda and just really here and connect even if we disagree we can grow closer. Even if we didn't see eye to eye on everything or have different personalities or different preferences. It isn't about who's better or worse or criticizing or anything like that it is about let me learn more about you. Let me show Christ love towards you, let me give you a good experience and when healthy people do that for each other it is so satisfying Mentally, Emotionally, physically, energetically, spiritually. You know we all went to church as a large family group on Sunday and it was wonderful! We took up two whole rows and it was really really great! Some of us have the same kind of church background and some of us don't and yet we all were able to go and worship the same God no matter what the preferences were no matter how we typically do worship no matter who the pastor typically, is no matter that we don't typically go to this church. But we went and we all respected going to this church and having this time of worship together We have more in common as Christian believers than we have separating us or different and that's how it is with human beings even people who are not Christians there's more that we have in common with how human beings have natural desires for connection and being understood and communication and being valued. That it's worth putting the stuff aside putting the insecurities aside putting the trying to change somebody aside putting the agendas aside putting the talking at each other aside and really have some good curious affirming relationships that doesn't mean affirming sin that means affirming the fact that this person that you are seeking to love in action By communicating and hearing them Is worth doing it is worth it to hear another person it is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. And so if there is something that God needs to change in someone else's heart then that's up to God Our job is to be kind. Our job is to be loving our job is to be caring and in that there's no place for self-consciousness or insecurity or people pleasing or trying to make sure that everybody believes exactly as we do. It's OK to offer what you have to give But also to recognize that there are ways that are received much better than others rather than with a critical tone maybe suggesting that you talk about something because you see something differently. Or what if you might use the term what if we try to talk about this in this way so that it goes better than the last time where it erupted in an argument so to speak. Or how about we take some time to ask each other really deep questions and really listen to each other's answers now this doesn't mean not to encourage each other in God's word this simply means that there are some basic principles to good communication and good connection. That can be practiced that allow us to have this love of heaven for our fellow man among us fellow man or woman right among us. Because we're all human And God made each of us and we all have something to offer and we also have so much to teach and share and connect on.
I hope that's encouraging to you if you have trouble making friends or you don't know how to have conversations they keep ending up in stalemates or things aren't working go back to the five tips that I shared And see how they can benefit you see if there's a way that you can improve upon it so that your connections in your communication can be more helpful.
If you had to put a percentage to it, what portion of your life is filled with the things you love? The people you love to be with? The activities and work you love to do? The hobbies and interests that bring you a great sense of peace, joy, and satisfaction?
For me, I'd say 75% on a rough day and 90-93% on a typical good day with those days encompassing about 93% of my life right now in general.
It wasn't always this high, for sure! But, I have worked for it.
Did you know that you can have a better quality of life, no matter, what your circumstances, by changing the way you think, the choices you make, and the things you do? It's true!
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is built on this premise and is an evidence-based scientific theory, but even more important than CBT's proven track-record, is God's.
The Bible tells us:
Proverbs 4:23 says:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
This verse emphasizes the importance of protecting our inner thoughts and feelings, as they shape our actions and overall life.
Romans 12:2 says:
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
This verse encourages the transformation of our lives through the renewal of our minds, aligning our thoughts with God's will.
Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
This verse directs us to focus our thoughts on positive and virtuous things, which can lead to a more fulfilling and righteous life.
God cares about the quality of your thoughts, your actions, and your daily life!
Check out this week's podcast on this topic here:
Fun & Flourish: The Connection Between Enjoyment & Mental Health
Here are 21 new hobby ideas along with their benefits:
Gardening
Benefits: Reduces stress, promotes physical activity, and improves mood through connection with nature.
Cooking/Baking
Benefits: Encourages creativity, improves nutrition, and provides a sense of accomplishment.
Photography
Benefits: Enhances observation skills, fosters creativity, and preserves memories.
Playing a Musical Instrument
Benefits: Improves cognitive function, enhances concentration, and provides emotional expression.
Drawing/Painting
Benefits: Boosts creativity, improves fine motor skills, and offers relaxation.
Stretching
Benefits: Enhances flexibility, reduces stress, and improves overall physical health.
Hiking
Benefits: Increases cardiovascular health, provides stress relief, and connects with nature.
Writing/Journaling
Benefits: Improves mental clarity, enhances communication skills, and provides emotional outlet.
Knitting/Crocheting
Benefits: Reduces anxiety, improves concentration, and creates a tangible product.
Birdwatching
Benefits: Encourages outdoor activity, increases patience, and enhances observation skills.
Learning a New Language
Benefits: Improves cognitive function, enhances cultural understanding, and boosts memory.
Cycling
Benefits: Promotes cardiovascular health, reduces stress, and provides an enjoyable way to explore new areas.
Volunteering
Benefits: Provides a sense of purpose, strengthens community ties, and boosts mental well-being.
DIY Crafting
Benefits: Encourages creativity, improves problem-solving skills, and provides satisfaction from creating something unique.
Scripture Meditation
Benefits: Reduces stress, improves focus, and enhances emotional well-being.
Model Building
Benefits: Improves attention to detail, enhances problem-solving skills, and provides a sense of accomplishment.
Astronomy
Benefits: Expands knowledge of the universe, encourages outdoor activity, and stimulates curiosity.
Fishing
Benefits: Provides relaxation, enhances patience, and offers a connection with nature.
Dancing
Benefits: Promotes physical fitness, boosts mood, and enhances social interaction.
Collecting (e.g., stamps, coins)
Benefits: Encourages research and learning, provides a sense of achievement, and fosters patience.
Cooking International Cuisine
Benefits: Expands culinary skills, introduces new cultures, and provides a fun social activity
