Codependent.
This is a word that can come loaded with emotion, responsibility, shame, guilt, self-doubt, people-pleasing, and fear of going against the way your protective survival skills have trained you to go about life.
Well, this week, a variation on this theme kept coming up in my sphere of observation. From counseling and coaching meetings to a trip to the convenience store, one theme seems to be showing up repeatedly. as.."someone bothered me by their thoughts/words, and I find myself emotionally spinning as a result of it."
Over and over again, I was observing situations in which "Person B" had thoughts or opinions that were made known to "Person A" in a way that "Person A" didn't appreciate but was trying to work through. "Person B" in each case had expressed themselves in a way that "Person A" was feeling "put upon" by the disclosure(s) of "Person B," and "Person A" felt the pain and pressure of trying to sort through the various nuances of that information "Person B" attempted to share.
If that last paragraph sounds convoluted and confusing to you in any way, image how confusing it can feel when you are "Person A!" You're minding your own business, trying to live your life well, and "Person B" drops a verbal "bomb" of some sort....perhaps, an insult, a blaming statement, a shaming statement, an expectation, or an observation that you didn't ask for, didn't want, and didn't deserve right at your proverbial feet.
Those kinds of situations bring up all kinds of "feels" right? There's the confusion, the frustration, the hurt, the anger, the trying to understand and meet someone else's needs, the digging in of heels when we feel pushed against our will or resentful of the intrusion we didn't ask for because somebody else just had to express themselves "at our expense" in some way, and overall, the dysregulation in our nervous systems when we feel the load of what "Person B" expressed.
The key to handling these types of situations is to recognize what "belongs to you" and what "belongs to the other" person.
It gets convoluted and confusing, when we can't identify where we end and they begin, just as they couldn't identify where they end and we begin.
It's easier said than done, though, because these kinds of things can send our nervous systems into fight, flight, freeze shutdown, or fawning. So, how can we become more clear on what does and does not belong to "us?"
6 Questions You Can Ask to Leave "Person B's" stuff with them.
1) Ask yourself, "What am I observing?"
2) "Is this mine or theirs?"
3) "Do I need to respond/take action, or is it their issue/responsibility?"
4) "Am I trying to be the rescuer, when they need to be the one who makes their choices and experiences the consequences of those decisions they've made?'
5) "What am I going to do with what I have observed or experienced?
6) How can I make a healthy choice that pleases God out of truth and not obligation, people pleasing, or fear?"
On a related note, finding one's way after belonging to a religious cult is an experience that leaves a lot of confusion and conflicting thoughts and emotions to sort through, too, as the cult's destructive messaging and beliefs can be left at the unsuspecting doorstep of its followers. Don't forget to check out this week's podcast episode, Part 2, of my interview with Liza Lovett, from the Warrior's Community Podcast, where she shares more about her journey to healing from toxic abuse.
If you would like help walking through the difficulties of life and mindset issues, the Mental Health Membership Community is NOW OPEN. You can learn more about what's included,and join by clicking this link.
This morning, I responded to a heartfelt email from a woman with a beautiful spirit but a broken heart. She’s a member of the Mental Health for Christian Women Membership Community, where she has access to regular personal email coaching from me. Her message was filled with questions about the nature of God in a world that often seems full of pain and suffering.
It became clear that the insights I shared with her might also resonate with you. While I won’t delve into the specifics of her situation, many of us grapple with understanding God’s role when faced with the harsh realities of life.
Here’s a summary of what I shared with her:
Understanding God Through the Lens of His Goodness
James 1:17 tells us, “Every good and perfect gift comes from God the Father.” When we question God’s nature and His protection amid suffering, it helps to remember that the best reflection of who He is can often be found within ourselves.
Consider the qualities in you that seek to protect, care, and love. The parts of you that hope for purity and strive to overcome pain—these are echoes of God’s nature. He is not the source of pain, destruction, or perversion. Instead, He is the one who comforts us and overcomes evil, both in this life and in Heaven.
God is constant—“the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). The evil we see in the world is not of Him, which is why it feels so foreign and distressing to us. God has made a way for us, defeating the enemy and ensuring that death has lost its sting (1 Corinthians 15:55-57).
In struggles, remember that “crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). God walks with us through our battles, providing comfort, direction, strength, and hope that will never be cut off. He is not passive; He is the peace that surpasses understanding and the power over evil (Phillipians 4:7).
You can see God’s heart in your own desire to protect innocence and fight for good. The doubts, guilt, shame, fear, and pain are not from Him. Rather, He is actively pushing back the darkness that seeks to overtake His children.
I hope this message brings you comfort and perspective, just as I hoped it would for my virtual coaching friend.
If you would like to join the membership community, and get personal coaching like this in your email box to help you with your questions and goals, you can learn more, and sign-up : Clck Here
Takeaways:
- Reflect God’s Nature: When you struggle to understand God, look at the good and caring qualities within yourself as reflections of His nature.
- Embrace God’s Goodness: Remember that every good thing comes from God. He is the source of all that is pure and loving.
- Separate Evil from God: Understand that pain, destruction, and perversion are not from God. He is here to free us from these effects.
- Find Comfort in His Constancy: God remains the same throughout time. His promises and His nature are steadfast.
- Hold onto Hope: Even in difficult times, trust that joy will come and that God is with you during your trials.
- Recognize His Work in You: Your desire to protect and fight for good is a sign of God working through you.
- Push Back Darkness: Know that God is actively involved in combating the darkness in your life and in the world.
If you missed this week's podcast on a related topic, “Overcoming Religious Abuse and Cult Trauma - An Interview with Guest Liza Lovett, Part 1 of 2,” you can listen to it here.
In His Love,
Michelle
Michelle
