Tips for Managing Your Parenting Relationship During Seasons of Transition and Times of Change

I don't know that I've ever met a mom who hasn't thought that time was going too fast or that they were doing a good enough job for their kids in the way that they parented. I mean, we love our kids so much, and it doesn't matter if they're newborns or they're 50. We love our kids and we want to take care of them. We want to protect them. 

We want to hold on to them and love them. And that gets confusing for the kids if we don't realize that our role changes and needs to change, and it's okay for it to change. And the kids can think that they owe us or that they must depend on us for things that they are fully capable of doing on their own.

But then there's also this flip side of what happens if I let go and I never get them back? What happens if what I fear when I hear about things that happen at schools would happen? How would I survive? How could I protect them? How could I help them if they needed me? How would I know? How would I be there?

I used to feel that way. When my son got to be about kindergarten age, my husband would take him to school and I would stand there and I would say, oh, I hope he's okay. I hope he's going to be okay. God, please let him to be okay. And I didn't realize how much of my own anxiety there was because I didn't want anything bad to ever happen to him. Then, I heard his younger sister, at about three years old, saying goodbye to him at the window with me, and I heard what I was saying reflected back in her words. She said, oh, I hope he's going to be okay. And that's the moment I said, that is enough.

You are not going to put the spirit of fear into her and you are not going to have this anymore. You are going to trust him to God. That is the only place that he is safe anyhow. The only thing you can really do, the only thing you can do to keep him safe, is trust him to God, because God goes with him. God is his heavenly father. God will be with Him and protect him and never leave Him or forsake him. And that is the way it is. So, Michelle, if you need to go and pull the blanket up over your head and cry or hide or wail or pray or talk to a counselor or share with your husband or go cry on a girlfriend's shoulder or whatever, that's your stuff to deal with. That does not belong on your oldest son, and that does not belong on your next child, and that does not belong in your family. Right. It's not something that we are meant to live in. But I was carrying this around. I was thinking, oh, my gosh, I'm so responsible.

If you've heard that saying that being a parent is forever having your heart walk around outside of your body, I know that firsthand. I've had that three times. My heart is forever walking around outside of my body. And I love these people, and I don't want anything bad to ever happen to them. I think that every mom who is honest with herself and really cares about her kids feels that way. I want to protect my kid at all cost. Well, that's good, because that's our job when they're young.

What also helped me, besides entrusting my kids to God and His protection, Him being their loving father, Him who is the one who gave me them to steward and shepherd, is that I watched Finding Nemo. There was so much wisdom in that because there was a moment where Marlon, Nemo's dad, was saying, I won't ever let anything happen to you, Nemo. And Dory, even though she couldn't even remember her name or what was going on, had such sage wisdom. Well, that's kind of funny. If you never let anything happen to them, then nothing would ever happen to them. And when I realized that, that if I kept them in some imaginary protective bubble, even if I would like to, I would also be keeping out the good things, the good experiences, the good lessons, the amazing growth opportunities, the wonderful ways they can build confidence and grow in the Lord themselves, right?

So, I had to take the perspective of letting stuff happen to them, but here's the thing, I have to equip them so that they someday will launch and be able to handle it for themselves. That's your job as a Mom. So if you have young kids or even all the way through whatever stage up until adulthood or even college age kids, right, you being able to model for them and what's the word? Imbue them. Pour into them the skills, the tools, the wisdom, what to consider, how to manage themselves. You're equipping them, so that you work yourself out of a job, and that is not a bad thing. That is how it's meant to be.

But if you're having anxiety because your kid's about to go off to school and you're going to miss them, it's understandable that you're going to miss them. It doesn't mean that anything bad's going to happen to them that God can't help them through, but it also doesn't mean that anything bad's going to happen to them that they can't get through. And it doesn't mean that your worst imaginations are going to happen to them. That's imagination. That's not what you're dealing with. You're dealing with a child who is going off to school, and you're going to miss them, but you're going to welcome them home, and they are going to be able to be in your care where you're going to be able to teach them, nurture them, and love them, or you're going to homeschool them and have them have opportunities to get into connection with other teachers in different ways, other kids in different ways, other environments that are healthy and good for them. Right? Whatever you choose, you are empowering your kids.

And if, God forbid, what you most fear would happen, whatever that would be, first of all, your imagination is most likely way worse than anything that's actually going to happen to them. But besides that, even if the worst, God forbid, were to happen, your kid would still be okay with God and you would be able to get through it with God. And when we trust God as the ever loving father and the one we can trust, all of our days and times are in His hands anyhow. It's a false illusion of control. What we do have control about is how we think, how we manage our feelings, what we do, what our choices are, and the wisdom that we have to be able to move forward.

The wisdom I had been given by Nemo, by the movie, was I have to let my kids have age-appropriate freedom. And we did homeschool, but there were things that we did so that they had these other parts of life too. We did writers' group, horseback riding lessons, ice skating lessons. Oh, I can't even think of all the things right now. Violin, co-ops, yearbook. I mean, there were so many things that they all did sports here and there, right? And each one of those they grew into and they were capable. And we'd talk about it and we'd deal with any stressors and we'd celebrate the things that went well, would pray about what we needed to. And it was a learning experience. It didn't kill anybody. It didn't hurt anybody to be able to have a safe place to come home and process it and get tools and modeling.

That's your job as a parent, to model how to live, to teach, to encourage, to shepherd, to steward, and to entrust to God as a Christian mom that He has even better things for your kids than you can imagine.

I know how hard it is to imagine dropping your kid off when they're in preschool and you're like, this is the first time they're going to be away from me. I also know that when that happened to me and it was like the longest 3 hours of my life to that point that I was watching a mom who had five kids standing there kind of going like, oh, this could have been longer. I needed that time for myself and me going, you're not a first-time mom, are you? And she was like, oh, no, this is my fifth, so she was already past that.

My youngest is 18 now and she's on her own. She's married; she's doing great. She married a great Christian guy that God brought her very early in life. Would I have liked to have had her around the house longer? Did I think I had a few more years while she was in college to impart my wisdom? Yeah. But guess what? She was ready. And God made her ready. And God prepared the next steps for her. And she and her husband are walking out a very wonderful life in what God called them to. She was ready for it.

My other kids are in college. One of them is engaged. One of them is in ministry. The one that's engaged is a writer and doing these great events with people. And so it's like they're becoming their own unique individuals. They're not even like each other. All three are different. And while I was the same parent and I love them all the same, I parented them according to their needs. And that's what you do as a mom. Your responsibility is not to protect them from everything. It is to encourage them and be there for them, to help them know how to handle these things and eventually work yourself out of a job.

But here's the part from the other side that's a good thing. If you're not ready yet, that's because your kid's likely not ready yet. When your kid is ready, then you'll move to the next step with them, and you'll be ready, too. Take your cues from your kid. When your kid lets you know, I got those lessons, and I'm ready to move to the next step, let them. It's just like potty training, right? When a child is in a diaper and you teach them how to use the potty, that's a big deal. And sometimes they're not quite ready, and sometimes they master it. Eventually they master it. There's very seldom anybody besides a medical problem who graduates from high school still in diapers, right? And so assuming that at some point they will be able to manage those functions again, assuming that there's not a medical issue or something like that, then they're going to be ready to handle that. Same with the car when they're ready to drive. They might not be ready to drive across the country, but they probably are ready to take lessons or to get some hours under their belts or to drive to the grocery store.

If you're standing there saying, I must hold on to you for everything that it's worth, I have to. I can't let you go. You're my world. That's selfish. You're not trying to be selfish. You're trying to love them. Because we started out with this responsibility of loving them, and we have done that, and you've done it well. When your kids are confident enough to take the next step into who they have developed, into who they are becoming, who God made them to be, you can mourn the loss of some things that you used to have. Like, I loved four year old hugs and kisses. I love their forts under the table. I love their snuggling with us to watch a kids movie on the couch, all of us together. But I also love having my son in law here with my daughter to watch a movie or to go out to dinner. I also love seeing my kids paying their own bills and making their own choices and going after their goals and talking to us about how they've grown in the Lord with their friends and the fun that they've had and the things that they're learning and seeing, the ways that they shine. You don't lose them.

Seasons change, your position changes, but that does not mean that you lose them. It does not mean that they don't need you. It means that you move to the next step with them. And when they're all grown up, that next step is, hey, I'm here if you need me. I'm in a relationship with you as adult to adult. But if you're not there yet, that's okay.

But let me tell you, just like that woman who had five kids, if you're afraid of, how am I ever going to do this? How am I ever going to let go how could I ever let anything happen to them? How can I let them out of a protective bubble? The first step is to entrust them to God's care and love. He's the one who gave you them anyway. He has good for them. He has good for you. He can be trusted. He's got you both. Secondly, when they're ready, you will be able to do that. And if you can't, there are ways to get help. That's where therapy comes in for you or a support network of moms who have gone before. And you can also remember what I'm telling you. It's good when they can drive. It's good when they find good people to spend time with. It's good when they go to somebody who's a safe, healthy, like big sister or big brother in the Lord for encouragement instead of only coming to mom and dad, it means that there are other people in their lives that can be safe.

Your job is to help them know how to take the next steps with wisdom, how to choose healthy people to be in relationships with, how to conduct themselves so that they're healthy. And as you grow, as they grow, as you both have this relationship that develops, it's good. So just like that mom of five, when my son was only going into preschool, I can now say, if you're worried about your kid driving, I want you to think about how cool it is when they can run errands for you and come home with a treat for the family. Or come home and tell you about this wonderful time they had and maybe how they gave their friend a ride and you could be so proud of them because they cared for somebody else. I want you to think about how great it is when they have money to actually buy you a Mother's Day gift. I mean, mints on the pillow and breakfast in bed is great and all, but it's kind of really cool when they have money and they can actually buy you something that you didn't pay for out of their own earned money. It's also really cool if they find their career and it lights them up and they're finding ways to use their God given talents and take steps into the world of who they're meant to be. It's great when they bring people home that are good for them and they make family of those people, such as making them their spouse.

There is so much good ahead. You're seeing a snippet. And don't let your fears or your worries about holding on long enough or strong enough get in the way of your actual job. Be encouraged. God knows what your kids need, he knows what you need, and he has entrusted you as their parent and he will equip you both for every good work. Rest in the truth that God's got you and he gives good, good gifts. Enjoy the gifts of each moment, every stage has blessings. Doesn't mean you won't shed some tears here and there. Doesn't mean you won't have to take some of your fears and concerns to the Lord or some of your old triggers or things that you went through that you're trying to prevent from happening to your kid. That's natural too. But I wanted to provide you with encouragement today not to look at it as the time going away or something that you have to suffocate every last moment out of, but something you can hold with an open hand and say, this is exciting. We're just moving on to the stage we're in and the stage that we're moving to, and we're enjoying the stages that we've had and it's all good.

I hope that encourages you today.