anxiety management

If you've ever wondered, why am I anxious? What's causing me to be anxious? I don't even know why I feel this anxious. Some of these things might be stuff you can trace back and find out that they contribute to it in some way. Obviously, you're not going to have a perfect answer that has the exact right proportions of what is causing any particular flavor of anxiety that you might experience, because there are many factors.

The factors can fall into some genetic predisposition. So just kind of in your biological makeup and wiring of having a physical human body, there can be some genetics that play into a higher opportunity. Let's say, for anxiety and given the right environment where there are stressors or trauma things that were not optimal, it might flip the switch and say, okay, you already had a predisposition genetically, and now the environment is turning the switch on, and now you struggle with it.

It also could be strictly your environment. It could be that you've had a traumatic experience. You've experienced something that felt unsafe, that felt life threatening, a situation that you felt trapped in, or that you couldn't get out of. It could be an emotional trauma. It could be a physical trauma. It could be like a car accident, or it could be verbal abuse, people calling you names, or bullying you experienced. It can be not having enough of what you needed. It can be being overly protected and now wondering how to stay safe. It can be based on environmental factors. So maybe there are things in your environment that are not optimal and they're causing stress and anxiety. It could be because there's a lack of something and you're concerned about being able to be safe and to have enough of what you need.

It can be physical symptoms, so it can be related to perhaps when you have a cold coming on or PMS or if you've been under a lot of stress. As far as physically, it can really just be something that is more likely to kind of be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. It sets it over the edge. And you might feel that for a certain time frame or season could be because of a medical condition. It could be because of the side effects of medications or the different symptoms from medical conditions.

So, there are all kinds of things that can cause anxiety as far as the underlying causes, but there's often not just one. It's often a perfect storm. It may be one, but it may be other things. And the problem with anxiety is that sometimes it breeds anxiety. So, it may have started off as one thing, like, let's say, childhood bullying, but then it might turn into something else, like being insecure of how you perform. And so there you can't perform in the school play. Well, it may have started with bullying, but then it might turn into insecurity and then anxiety about something else. Sometimes it can just change based on the situation, but the anxiety is still the same underlying thread of, will people hurt me or disapprove or am I going to be treated poorly? And that makes me anxious.

The messages that the anxiety situations send to you may be similar across different environments. So, for instance, if you're feeling like you're not good enough, you might start that way. Because maybe a parent compared you to a sibling or to a classmate and said, why can't you be more like them? Right? So then when you go out for the team and you didn't make it, that message stayed with you. See, I must not be good enough. I'm not good enough to be chosen. I have to perform a certain way or act a certain way or look a certain way. That underlying message can be what is the root of a lot of the negative self-talk and therefore the insecurity and then the fear of what that's going to cause and what might happen that might replicate that pain from the past, and that can set you on edge. So, it's something that can snowball in that way.

It can also snowball in that if you feel anxious, you're more likely to be alert for anything that could reinforce that anxiety because you want to prevent it from happening. So if I get concerned that I'm about to be bit by a dog because that happened in the past, then when I'm taking a walk through the neighborhood, if I see a dog, I might start walking on the other side of the road. Well, because I walked on the other side of the road, my mind might start going and go, oh, see, that dog is going to get me. And then maybe it's like, oh, if that dog's going to get me, maybe I should look on this side of the road. Maybe there's a dog here that's going to come out of nowhere. And then the next thing you know, you've stopped taking your neighborhood walks, or you're walking down the middle of the street and people are like, why isn't she walking on the sidewalk?

Or it just can snowball into, okay, if I feel that uneasy, then maybe it's true. Maybe the feelings are telling me there really is a threat. Even if there are no dogs in your neighborhood, or the dogs are all chained up, or they're all tame, or they all have fences around them, your logic goes offline when you are anxious, and therefore you might feel that there's a very real threat, even when the likelihood of that very real threat isn't found in reality. Sometimes just the awareness of being anxious and having your system kind of on high alert for, uh-oh, I'm anxious, that means trouble is coming. And then looking for trouble and continuing that anxious cycle. Oh, trouble must be coming because I feel it. Uh=oh, I feel it...trouble must be coming. It can be a vicious cycle.

So, we need to reign ourselves in and tell ourselves more helpful information. Such as, even though I feel afraid that I'm going to be bit by a dog, I know that there are no dogs on this street, so I can feel it and still take my walk, or even though I feel like there's a dog going to attack me from every side, I know that only one of these neighbors has a dog and that that dog is tame and they're on the left side of the street. So just to be sure, and because I'm uncomfortable, I'll walk on the right. I know that this isn't a realistic threat; it just feels like one, so I'll still take my walk.

We have to tell ourselves the truth, which can sound something like, hey, nervous system, I know you feel, however you feel scared, nervous, insecure, afraid, whatever and I understand that. Here is how I can help, by telling you the truth: there isn't danger, even though it feels that way, or the danger is not very likely, or let's be reasonable here, we can do a little bit of protection, but we don't have to do everything because that's out of proportion.

If you can calm the automatic sympathetic nervous system that makes you feel like there's a threat, your logic can come on. Therefore, you'll be seeing things clearer because you'll be able to blend what it feels like with logical information so you can make a much better calculated estimate as to how much of a threat you're in and what you're going to do about it. Being aware that anxiety can breed more anxious feelings is often a key that can help you to say, I see what's happening here. I'm not really spiraling because there's all this threat or such a high level of threat. I'm spiraling because I noticed the feelings of anxiety and I negatively attributed, I mean, I accidentally attributed them to actual threat and it was just feelings and they weren't indicative of actually what the level of threat is.

If you could realize that it might help your system to go, oh, so I was kind of continuing the cycle. If I can tell myself the truth, then I won't feel as nervous, which will make me not think that I am in as much danger because my logic will be able to come on and help me to understand the level of threat is not as intense as I had thought. So, I hope that's helpful.

As you look into dealing with anxiety further, I hope you'll check out the upcoming episodes. I'm going to talk more about it, but for now, I just want to remind you that if you need help with anxiety, feel free to reach out for a next step discovery call. Just go to Mental Health for Christian Women and hop on my schedule. There's a button there where you can pull up my schedule and find a time for a free 15-minute consult. I'd love to hear what's going on with you and see how I could possibly help. Take care.

You know the concept of "both, and?" It's something I talk with clients a lot about, but it's also something I live. Things can be hard and good at the same time. Things can be bitter and sweet at the same time. Things can be, well, things can be rough sometimes, and yet they can still be something that God is using in our lives for good. Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for good. To those who love God and are called according to his purpose, and that is a promise. That is a truth, and sometimes that's hard to see.

Sometimes life is just clipping along wonderfully, and things are great. And sometimes there are just things, just things: job stressors, medical issues, bills, seasonal affective disorder, winter. Some people love winter. Some people love spring. It's "both, and." It can both be great and be Christmas time and be joyful, and it can be hard, emotional, stressful, sad, glorious, wonderful, fabulous, exciting. It can be "both, and."

I want to give you permission to just give yourself permission. You don't need my permission, but if you need a permission slip to give yourself permission, to be okay with "both, and" which doesn't mean you love the feelings that aren't pleasant or that the stressors are fabulous, but the "both, and" can sometimes make things a bit more manageable. It's like an acceptance that, okay, right now, there's more than one thing that I'm feeling, and there's more than one thing that is contributing to this. We have physical bodies. We have relationships. We have things we have to work towards, or performances, maybe, that you're giving for the holidays or hosting. There's a lot that goes into this time of year, but honestly, there's a lot that goes into being a human, and it's a "both, and" experience as a human. We all want the good stuff, and sometimes the way we appreciate the good stuff is because we've been through the bad, so we know how good the good is, and we want to hold on to that.

I want to just give you that reframe; that good is coming. Good is God. Good is what we can trust in. If it's not good, it's not over yet. We can see good in the land of the living, and also on the other side, when we get to heaven, we can see good there. So, either way, it turns out good for us. So, if it's not good, good still coming. The story is not over yet.

Now, today, my husband and I made a decision, because as much as we have a lot of blessings that we're thrilled about and a lot of things that are going well for us, it's also been a little bit stressful. We've each had a bunch of different things that are, like, nothing life shattering, but just enough things in different areas that are making the "both, and" something very apparent right now, and we're trying to embrace the really good. But we also know that, yeah, there have been some really stressful stressors.

So, I want to play a game with you and encourage you to maybe play a game with us. The game we are playing is basically the Pollyanna game. The Pollyanna game, if, you know, the old Disney movie, is where Haley Mills' character is so positive, like, she even breaks her legs and she's like, still, everything turns out positive for her.

So, I said to my husband this morning, "What if we just don't say anything negative today? What if we don't do any negative sounds? We don't say anything negative. We just focus on the positive, turn things towards good, and just put that energy out there, right. And just say good things and speak joy, speak light, speak energy."

This past weekend I was speaking a lot of, "Oh, I'm exhausted," and I decided today to say, " Well, it's okay because I'm getting my energy back." That type of thing. That's not exactly what happened this morning, but that's the kind of reframe that I'm giving you as an example. I'm still working on getting my energy back. So, it may not be something that I am fully feeling, but it is something that I feel a whole lot more when I speak it in truth and faith and in a good, positive way rather than, "oh, my gosh, I think I'm dying. I don't have any energy to get out of bed." It's a lot better to go, "You know what? I've gotten some really good rest because I've allowed myself to take that time and just have some good snuggle downtime. And I'm taking care of myself and I'm going to get back to 100% even better, 2024. I'm going to be really healthy because I'm doing the right things now and I know everything's going to be energized and be better." That gives me a lot more oomph than focusing on I don't feel so good there.

When I stood up, I was wearing these shoes for Christmas service last night and they kind of hurt my legs. It's a lot better to say, "Wow. Christmas service last night was amazing. We had a great time. It was our middle child, our 22-year-old daughter, my husband, and myself, and we went to Christmas Eve service, even though it wasn't Christmas Eve. It was wonderful and it was beautiful. We did candlelight singing of 'Silent Night,' and it was just joyful. Then we went out to eat, and we had great time together!"

Now, I could have been, "Oh, my other kids aren't here. My son's doing some stuff with his fiancé's family. My daughter is with some friends. My other daughter is with some friends on a trip right now." It was us and one of our kids, and it was wonderful. It made possible for our middle kid to have some only child time, even though she's an adult. We had a really great time. In fact, we recorded a jokes episode for Christmas, corny jokes that's coming up on Thursday that you may want to tune in for.

If you have kids, young kids especially, you may want to have them listen in because there's just a bunch of cute corny jokes that we just share. We did this last year, and this year, I wanted to do it again. So, Thursday, you can get some happy, corny jokes if you would like to. We did that after the church service, and then we had a nice dinner and such. I could have been, "oh, but the other kids aren't here. Oh, but I miss them." which are true. They weren't there, and I do miss them when they're not here, but that doesn't mean I wasn't enjoying fully the time we had with our other daughter and fully the experience and fully the blessings and what that made possible. It made possible for us to just focus on her and for us to really hear her and for us to all have a really nice memory building time together.

Whether it's everyday life or special holiday seasons, where there is a lot going on, whether you're going through a stressful time in life, you can choose what energy you bring to it. Sometimes we forget that. Sometimes we're like, oh, this is just really hard, and that may be very, very true, but if you play the Pollyanna game, it could be, "This is really hard, but what does this make possible? But what will we get here that we didn't otherwise?"

So maybe you're making Christmas dinner, and you burn the green bean casserole. Hey, what a great memory. Remember the year that mom burned the green bean casserole, and the fire department came? Right? Or, oh, wow, I did a horrible job on wrapping these gifts. But you know what? It's the thought that counts, and I never said I was an artist, and I hope you like it anyhow. And maybe it gives you some laughs, because I really don't do so hot at how I wrap things, and they're kind of comical looking, right? So maybe it's just okay.

Maybe everything has a silver lining, or many things have a silver lining. And I think that it's up to us to look for the silver lining, to speak the silver lining, to be energized by the hope and the silver lining of knowing that if it's not good, it's not over, that we can find humor and we can find good things, and we can appreciate simply by refining our focus on what's good, pure, lovely, and true.

So, while I may be tired today, I'm excited, because today I happen to have the day off to relax or to work or to clear my head and pray it's okay to put energy out there, take care of yourself, and realize that in the "both, and," we still have a choice of where we focus, what we speak and how we let the positive energy be a light instead of letting the darkness be the focus. It doesn't mean that there aren't some shades of darkness; it means that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it.

So, if you want to play the Pollyanna game with my husband and me today, or through the Christmas season or for as long as you like, that's what we're doing right now. If I end up burning something or don't get enough of something for the holidays, for the company that's coming or whatever, it's no big deal. No one's going to remember next year at this time anyhow, unless it's a great memory. Like I burned the green bean casserole!