boundaries

I really don't know if you have this problem, but we sometimes get mail delivered to our house that doesn't belong to us. In fact, it may not even be mail that belongs on our street. It may not be mail that belongs anywhere near us and somehow it gets mixed up in the mail that's dropped off at our home. Now, I really appreciate that our mail carrier brings mail to us in all kinds of different weather and all of the stuff they go through. I know it is not an easy job, but what is really frustrating is when something is put into our mailbox that becomes something we need to do something about and it's not ours. It's like I didn't make the mistake of putting it in the wrong mailbox and it's not my mail. Now I have to take time out of my schedule, out of my responsibilities, and what I have to do to make up for something that belongs to somebody else. Both the mistake which goes to the mail carrier and the mail getting to somebody else because it's not mine.

So, that's naturally something that is kind of irritating and frustrating. Now I get to choose whether I'm going to be irritated or frustrated about that or how I think about that or what I do about that. Okay, so if I must confess, if it's junk mail, right, I probably am going to pitch it. If it's something that is junk mail, then I'm just doing the world a favor by not trying to forward that on.

If it is something that looks more valuable, it might get confusing. Do I go hunt down this place that I've never heard of, google it, call somebody, report it to the post office and have the mail person come back and get it? I have options, right? So, I have a choice of something that is just like a flyer that's like, okay, so let's say there's a circular that comes and it has someone else's address on it, but it says to a "resident," that's going in the trash. Now, if something came to me and it looks like it's from something important or that it could be a check, a bill, or it's something medical, well, you can bet I'm going to pay a bit more attention to that.

Even though it's still not mine, even though I didn't make the mistake, and even though I'm not the one that the mail is for, I get to choose what level of involvement I have. So, I can think whenever mail comes that isn't mine what level of response do I want to show up with this? Do I want to allow this to be a minor irritation? Do I want to get really upset about this and tell off the post office? Do I want to tell myself these things happen, and I don't like it, but that's just part of life. That's usually the one I err on, okay?

Now, if they were doing this every day, multiple times a day with multiple people's mail, I'm probably going to call the post office and say, something has to be done about this because I'm wasting too much time doing the job that somebody else isn't doing well to try to get mail to people. So, I'm leveling up my actions based on the frequency and the level of the disturbance and the dysfunction that's going on. So, there's something really wrong if the mail for other people is constantly being given to me.

But if it is just a one time here or there thing, then it's just a fact of life. There's no need to get upset about it, and so I tell myself that, I understand you don't like it, Michelle. It's not your responsibility. Would be great if it didn't happen, but big deal. We're going to roll with it and we're going to be fine.

So, in that, what do I have? I have the ability to choose my thoughts, to choose my feelings, and to choose my actions. Choosing my thoughts, feelings and actions belongs to me. The thoughts, feelings, and actions of the person who made the mistake do not belong to me. That's their stuff. The mail does not belong to me. It belongs to whoever the mail is addressed to. How the person who didn't get their mail or eventually does get their mail, thinks, feels, or acts also does not belong to me. Right? I could go find where this street that I have no idea where it exists is and go drop off the mail, and that person could yell at me for stealing their mail, they could thank me for bringing their mail, or they could just kind of ignore me and just take it from me and no big deal. They get to choose how they think, feel, and act.

So, what do I do then about how they think, feel, and act is I can be irritated if they're rude about it. I can be no big deal. Okay, fine. Glad I brought it to you. Sorry it didn't matter to you anyhow. I can be like, oh, how nice of them to accept that and enjoy it. It volleys back to me as to what I do with the input that comes from this person when I drop off their mail. If I did that, things get tangled when we forget that we are not the other person and that the way someone else thinks, feels, and behaves does not belong to us.

Often as Christian women, we get caught up in feelings of wanting to help and wanting to care. Maybe people telling us something belongs to us that doesn't belong to us as far as what to think, feel, or how to act. It can get confusing because we can have this experience of feeling like we're involved in something that really doesn't involve us. It's kind of like the mail...the mail that ends up at my home that isn't addressed to me and that got there through no fault of my own is not my mail. Now my responsibility is what to do with the stuff that got to me in error, and that's where I can choose what I think and do. I can call the post office, I can search out the owner, or I can ignore it and say probably junk and pitch it. All of those things are once it arrives at my doorstep. The tricky part is that so many times we allow other people's stuff to come to our doorstep and feel like we're responsible for actually managing that stuff that doesn't belong to us.

If I receive an Amazon package to my door of things I never ordered. If I didn't order it, I don't want it, it's not mine. So, I get to say, not mine, take it back or I call Amazon and they say to just keep it anyway. I get to decide if it's valuable and I want to keep it, if I want to pitch it, if I want to donate it, or what I want to do with it because I'm the one responsible for it.

All of this to say that as I give you these two stories, do you ever feel like people's mistakes end up being your responsibility? Like people's feelings or actions end up being something you have to do something about, even though it's not yours. It arrived in your life through no fault of your own, and it's really not yours? Do you find that people put their expectations as to how you should think, feel, or behave onto you? Do you recognize that if and when people do that, you can say not mine, or do you get swept up in the other person's thoughts, feelings and actions about what you should do? It can get pretty complicated if you're not good at sorting through what's your mail or your Amazon packages and somebody else's.

It can be complicated when you don't know what your thoughts and feelings are, your choices for actions, your expectations, your behaviors that you want to do, or what others are trying to get you to do because of their thoughts, feelings, or actions and what they expect of you. It's kind of difficult to sort through this if you're one of these people that gets a lot of other people's stuff and is particularly compassionate, a people-pleaser, or in particular, just wants to make sure you do the right thing, get approval, don't make waves, or don't like people being angry or upset about things. This might be something that you struggle with, and if so, it's understandable and yet it's still not necessarily yours. You're not responsible for other people's mail. You're not responsible for other people's mistakes. You're not responsible to behave a certain way simply because somebody expects that of you or wants that for you because they put that on you. It doesn't make it anymore your mail or your package, and you don't have to follow through on it as if it does.

Where do you need to say, that that just is not mine and I am returning it to sender? You don't get to tell me how to feel about myself or about this situation. You don't get to tell me how I'm going to respond or not. You don't get to tell me how I feel, how I think, or how I'm going to choose to act. And if I disappoint you, that is your disappointment to deal with. That doesn't mean I did anything wrong because I'm staying in my lane.

Romans 14:12 talks about each person needing to give an account to God for our lives. And that's giving an account for how we live our lives. It's not giving an account for how other people think we should live our lives. It's not giving an account for how other people want us to live our lives and whether we lived up to other people's stuff. It is how we lived our lives. What we're responsible for is our thoughts, feelings and actions. We are not responsible for taking on all of the weight of everybody else and their expectations for us.

Do you doubt yourself a lot and overthink? It could be that you've been in relationship with somebody who is gaslighting you.

Before we jump in, I want to give you the rest of my Top 10 Deal Breakers from this week's newsletter...

So, let's talk about today's message on gaslighting...

As you may know, this concept comes from an old 1944 movie where a newlywed wife is married to this guy, and he's messing with her mind by dimming the gaslights so that she didn't even know if she was losing her mind or not because he was manipulating the environment in a practically normal way, but it was messing with her perception.

Oftentimes, people gaslight because they want to have some form of control or a sense of power, and then they try to manipulate and honestly just kind of change what people are thinking so they can feel insecure in themselves and in the relationship, so that these people who are gas-lighters can control them. That's why this gaslighting thing is so wrong. It's so insidious, and God doesn't like it. In 2 Timothy 1:7, it says, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Gaslighting goes against the ability to keep a sound mind. It tries to slowly eat away at what you know about yourself and what you know about your own motives and your own understanding of your own feelings.

In fact, when someone has been gaslit repeatedly over time, it can be difficult for them to answer for themselves regarding their own experiences, needs, intent for doing things, and motivations because they have been so manipulated by the abuser that they have internalized the abuser's messages. So even after the abuser stops mentally manipulating them and emotionally abusing them in this way, such as, if they move out of the home where their parents were narcissists or manipulating gas-lighters, they might start to gaslight themselves because the information is in there. It's as if you can't trust yourself, your motivations are wrong, and you should second guess everything because someone else knows better than you as to what your motivations, feelings, and needs are, and this is wrong. It's like the accuser lives in the mind of the victim at times, and it keeps the victim doing these mental gymnastics.

This gaslighting just makes it so hard to know what is up and what is down and what is left and what is right. It feels like the world is some sort of funhouse where the mirrors are distorting the reality and the perceptions. What does that sound like? Those accusations, those deceptions? That's not of God. That's the enemy. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those who are His. And so those accusations are not of God. If you are doubting your own thoughts and motivations, rethinking why you say things, what you're feeling, what you're doing, and what you're experiencing, you may be experiencing gaslighting in some of your relationships.

Let me restate this for emphasis. If you are being mentally sabotaged and condemned for having your own thoughts, feelings, needs, intentions, motivations, and perspectives, it is not of God. God Himself gave you the gift of free will, and He will not manipulate you. In healthy relationships, people can both have their perspectives and respect each other, even if they disagree.

Anybody who is trying to take away your free will ability to make your own choices, to think for yourself, to know why you're doing the things you're doing, and to take actions that are good for you is behaving in a controlling and possibly toxic manner towards you. They may have a personality disorder, or they may merely be horrible at their own self-regulation and not be able to tolerate other people doing things differently. If you're wondering as to what in the world is going on here and it seems like there's a bait and switch and the people you might be considering right now have you asking could they be gas-lighters because sometimes they're nice to you or they do what's called love bombing you, and then sometimes they just leave you feeling really confused and really manipulated and down on yourself, that's toxic manipulation.

One of my favorite sayings is: It's not my circus and not my monkeys. First, be sure that it's not you who is toxic. Here's how you can tell that you are not the one with a personality disorder and you are not the one who is being toxic in a relationship:

Are you willing to apologize when you hurt someone? Are you willing to believe that you are not perfect or that you may have accidentally done something that you need to say you're sorry for? If so, this is a really good sign, because healthy people can apologize when they've done something wrong or when something's brought to their attention.

Are you willing to reflect and see if you could be contributing to a difficult situation? To put yourself in someone else's shoes to see the situation from their viewpoint doesn't mean you have to agree, but can you empathize? Are you willing to understand, even if you disagree, to understand where someone is coming from and willing for them to be separate in their thoughts and actions, and that their desires and understanding is something they have a right to have their own mind about? If so, it is unlikely that you have a personality disorder that is then gaslighting other people because you're self-reflective.

In situations where people are not healthy, they often make it so that others have to come to them to have any connection. They don't go that extra mile for others because it's all about them having control. It's all about them having a sense of superiority. It's all about them getting some sort of payoff that makes them feel better about themselves. If you have the capacity to hear other people and respect them and work with them and find ways to meet them in the middle, where you can actually talk things out respectfully and either come to an agreement or resolution, or respectfully come to an understanding where you each can understand each other's needs without trying to coerce or manipulate, that's a healthy relationship. But if it's this invisible push and pull, this tug for power and control in some way, that's manipulation and that's emotional abuse.

So, if someone continuously brings you their chaotic monkeys and their circus, and you're fine until you interact with them, and then you start doing that thing where down is up and up is down, it's okay to recognize you are not wrong. You are not wrong for disagreeing with things that are sin. You are not wrong for saying, I don't agree with you, and I have my own viewpoints, feelings, and thoughts. If you are feeling put in a lesser position than someone else, it is okay to notice if they are not appropriate and they are trying to blame, shame, or guilt you. You are not wrong if you did not do anything sinful and you did not do anything wrong.

Even if someone thinks you shouldn't feel or act a certain way or wish that you wouldn't because it goes against what's convenient for them in their own agenda, it's okay for you to stand on truth if you're not the toxic one. It's okay to let your truth be validated within yourself. The gas-lighters will try to invalidate your perception of yourself. They'll try to invalidate your perspectives, and you do not need the approval of toxic individuals. You do not suddenly become wrong simply because someone toxic disagrees with you and gives you pushback. You do not become wrong simply because somebody toxic does not see things through a clear lens. You do not need validation from people who are not able to see the reality of the situation. You know your experience. You do not need to allow or engage with toxic, disrespectful, or manipulative people or their behaviors.

Anything that breaches your boundaries is emotional abuse. Anything that gives you the message that you are the one who needs fixing because there is something wrong with you simply for having a voice or a choice. Anytime you're trying to be honest, and you are being discounted, that can be abusive. If someone denies your reality and then uses it to manipulate you so they have some form of power or control about the way they interact with you or because it makes them look good to twist things, that's also abusive. It's emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and manipulation where someone is attempting to make you doubt your own perceptions, feelings, memories, experiences, and sanity.

They may deny that they've said certain things or done certain things. They may tell you you're too sensitive. They may blame you for things that aren't your fault. They may twist things to try to get the upper hand in relationships. They might triangulate you and leave out some information and tell other people different parts of things so that it looks like you're the crazy one. It is so confusing when you deal with these people because they are not healthy, and so you're going to end up feeling crazier if you expect them to validate your experience, because they won't. They will validate what suits them for their purposes. They are not interested in playing fair.

They are interested in gaining the upper hand. These people are insecure. These people are out for themselves. They're selfish and self-focused. The only way they feel they can gain the upper hand is by playing dirty. If you try to call them on it, they'll deny it. If you get too close, they might rage. They might end up just totally deflecting and raging so they can stop feeling like they are doing the wrong thing that they actually are because they can't handle the truth.

That is unfortunate because when people are healthy, we can have healthy dialogue. We can have respectful relationships. There's not a one up, one down kind of mentality. It's where we can work together and each be individuals and respect each other even if we disagree.

If you notice you are in situations where you do not physically feel safe around somebody or you feel like you are constantly spinning, being put down, and second guessing whether something took place or not because they deny your reality, it is very possible you are in a relationship with a person who has toxic behaviors and does not have good communication.

They might say that you're not playing fair or you're being too sensitive. As I said before, that's a deal breaker because nobody gets to tell you that you're being too sensitive or the level of emotions that you're allowed to have. Maybe they'll tell you that you should be over this by now, or why keep bringing something up? Well, maybe you're bringing something up because it's still hurtful and trying to have dialogue about it, and they dismiss your thoughts, feelings, and needs. That is also not okay. Anything that shifts the blame onto you for their own actions and shortcomings and anything that makes you feel crazy is not your fault. That's their circus. That's their monkeys.

Take cautious steps. Document it. Write it down so that or take a witness with you so that they can back you up to verify this is being twisted and it's not on you. If you don't feel safe, find a way to get to safety. You don't want to just do a knee jerk reaction to get out of this type of situation. Give it some thought, prayer, and consideration to make sure you are safe.

If they tell you you're overreacting, that's another tip off. Again, they're trying to qualify how you feel and to what level. They don't like you to own your feelings. They don't like you to own your voice. They don't like you to own your choices because they feel it diminishes them whereas healthy people know we can grow together, and we can respect each other even if we disagree. We can encourage each other. Like iron sharpens iron. People who use gaslighting, they aren't interested in fair play. You know, if they tell you that you are wrong, when it's not a matter that's up for debate and you didn't do anything sinful or wrong, they're wrong. It's okay to know it. It's okay to stand in truth and not be shamed or blamed, not be minimized, and not be put down. It's very important to know your truth, to know your motivations, to know what you have and have not done, and to not doubt them.

It's also important not to expect the toxic person to validate your experiences or to give you something that they have historically not been able to give. You may need to grieve that loss because the respect and the validation aren't able to come from that person, especially if it's a parent or a spouse you wish could see things more clearly, rather than use their toxic ways against you. You may need to grieve that loss. Look at what people are capable of and don't expect them to be more capable than they have historically shown they are capable of being. It's really hard sometimes to recognize the truth. That's why I think it's very important to discuss this because so many people come into therapy because the people who should be in therapy aren't. I want you to know that if you simply want to get along with people and want to be respected, that's not toxic; that's healthy.