children

If you've ever felt like you're doing the same old thing over and over, falling back into the same patterns, not moving forward and that you'll never be able to get the life you really want to live or that this mental health journey is too hard, I want to share something that came up in one of my recent sessions.

This analogy came to me of a cookie placed on the kitchen table, and the child says to the parent, "I wanna cookie," and the parent says, "OK, I've given you a cookie." The child then says, "I want a cookie, how come I can't have a cookie, why aren't you listening to me, why aren't you giving me what I want?" The parent already gave the child the cookie as it's on the table, but the child has to simply go over, pick it up, and then eat the cookie. It's already been provided, but the child needs to act on it. The child may not see that it's easily accessible that it is already there. That's how we are when we think why isn't God just cleaning up this mess, why am I still stuck having this same old feeling like I'm never going to get it right, never get out this, and will never be done with this journey.

Often times, it's because you aren't picking up the cookie, and sometimes the cookies come in the form of scriptural truth like reading your Bible and time with the Lord and the direction of the Holy Spirit, so pray, reflect, and seek good counsel and teaching. 

Sometimes it comes from taking an action (like reaching out for the cookie) when we stop listening to the feelings and instead, look at the facts. The fact is God is who He says He is! If you are a Christian, you believe God is God. He is the source of everything and all truth: 

Every good and perfect gift comes from God, and these truths don't change whether you feel they are true or not. Whether you feel it or not, you get to choose to take action, to believe it, to reach out to it, and to grab it, and to find ways to make it yours just like the child grabbing the cookie off the table. The cookie is already allowed, and it's already freely provided, but we have to do something with it.

In the Bible, there's a parable of three men who were given money. One didn't do anything and hid it for safekeeping, another got a small return for it, and the last man really invested and received a big return for it. God gives these men a choice as to what to do with what they've been given. 

Just like us, we can watch what God has given us grow into something healthy or we can bury it and not let it grow into what it could be. Sometimes the lie is that we think we're stuck when we're not stuck; we think we will never get out of it, but we're already free. God has already given us the power to do all things through Christ who gives us strength. We can reach out and take our power back!  We mustn't let the enemy steal it by listening to the lies making us think feelings are facts.

You can seek out the skills, tools, and help you need to take the next step and take good care of yourself. You can identify negative or limiting beliefs and place them up against God's truth and His word. You have power in Christ Jesus and his gifts are right there on the table just like the cookie!

You get to accept His gifts and choose how you accept them just like that child could go over and get that cookie from the table! The child could go get that cookie while doing a cartwheel, he could eat that cookie while standing on his head, he could ask his sister to go bring him a cookie, he could slide a piece of paper under it and slide it over to himself. 

So, if you feel like nothing's changing, that's a lie because you can change right now by telling yourself the truth! You can say to yourself, "oh that's just a negative mindset," "oh, that's just a lie," and although you may not feel it right away, the truth is the truth!

Most importantly, don't believe the lie when Satan tells you that you are stuck or moving backward. Believe the truth, take back your power, and take the next right step. When we take steps in a positive direction, just one at a time, we are still doing something to move forward. Just keep taking the next step and sometimes the next step is a good nap, a good vacation, or telling somebody your deepest, darkest secret as long as they're a safe person. Maybe you don't tell it all at once; maybe just say it a little bit at a time to see if they're safe with your confidence.

You can steward this process as God gives good gifts to his children, so take your next step not based on feeling, but based on who God is and who you are in Him.

Understanding the 8 stages of psychosocial development and whether you have successfully mastered them can help you better understand where you may need to focus when it comes to asking for support or seeking therapy if they haven't been achieved. I personally believe that if you haven't successfully navigated or mastered any stages prior to the one you are in now, I don't think it is set in stone.  You can seek out help to progress in areas that have not been mastered once you know what's "under the hood."

Psychologist Eric Erickson, a pioneer in the field of psychosocial development, suggested there are a series of tasks that should be mastered within certain age categories, which make up these stages. 

Birth to 18 months - 

A time when everything is new!  Babies look for someone to respond to them with care and with predictability, thus providing a secure attachment.  This provides a solid base from which to explore the world. If things get scary, they can go back to the caregiver for support and protection, and when this is adequately met, they learn to trust. If the care they get from their primary caregiver is not reliable or dependable, then this trust will be broken and it can cause emotional problems, such as a mistrust of others, loss of feeling able to control their circumstances, and a feeling of danger as they venture into the world.

1 1/2 years to 3 years - This is when children gain some independence and learn they have control over their body and actions.  At this stage, they also can not totally control everything which is why at this age, they may slap others or reach “to play” with things they shouldn’t. If care givers provide a safe way to interact and allow them to make some decisions on their own by trying different activities like putting on clothes or playing with new toys, even roughhousing with dad for example, this is still safe. These examples can build confidence.  Potty training is a crucial step during this stage because it’s a step towards independence as no one wants to be dependent on somebody for their personal habits. Taking care of their personal needs at this stage if it follows a typical pattern, not discounting that there can sometimes be illness or genetic defects, builds confidence in themselves and their actions. If this environment is not provided, they may feel shameful, insecure, or have doubt. Therefore, caregivers who promote a safe environment where a child can make decisions and have control over their own bodies allows the child to master a sense of independence.

3 years to 5 years - This is when kids learn interactions with others like friends at school and how to make friends. They also learn how to behave if they want people to like them. At these ages, they are basically exploring how to get along with others in the world. If caregivers let them know it's OK to ask questions and direct them in an encouraging way to not do certain unacceptable behaviors, this can teach initiative. Mainly, as caregivers, they want to teach that it is OK to not only ask questions, but to also try new things and speak up for themselves. Making new friends and gaining interpersonal skills helps them feel secure and capable of handling things. If they don’t practice these steps, they may suffer from doubt in their ability to interact with others and may possibly feel guilt as if they are a bother or are not enough. Overall, it's important to interact with others through play and engage socially by using their words in order to develop a sense of taking initiative throughout their lives.

 5 years to 12 years -  At this time, children are learning how to master new subject matter. They also learn to adapt to society roles as they continue to interact with others and learn about others’ expectations and how to navigate them. Examples may include how to study for good grades or how to practice if they want to make a sports team. During this time, they are learning the things expected which are also good for them in order to rise to the occasion. When these behaviors are encouraged and implemented, there is a sense of being able or industrious. If not, they may feel inferior or not good enough which can be a very unpleasant feeling. 

13 years to 21 years - This stage is when they start to find their own sense of self. In combination with what parents have invested, they begin to explore their own beliefs and come up with their own desires, goals, and values. It's actually healthy and good for them to be able to disagree with their parents in a respectful way although safety and sinful behavior must be considered as well as a major inconvenience to another person. Within this framework, it’s good for patents to say yes as much as possible. It has actually served us well as parents to our now adult children as none of our kids rebelled. They're each unique and different, but they love God and are fully capable in the areas in which God's called them. If had said that they couldn’t do that, couldn’t go there, or couldn’t try new things, they might've experienced a confused sense of self. Role confusion and frustration occurs when a teen thinks I'm allowed to be a person and my body, capabilities, and intellect are growing as well as my understanding of myself, but I can't go and do things I want to do. This can be frustrating which is why my husband and I often said yes to our kids while keeping God at the center. It’s helpful at this stage to mesh our past childlike behaviors with the person the teen is meant to become in accordance with their sense of ethics and beliefs as well as and how they want to view themselves in the world. For a Christian, this identity comes from Christ, and although others in the world may not align with this belief, causing confusion, the hope is that with confidence and self-esteem gained from prior stages, they are able to do this stage successfully. 

21 years to 39 years - This stage typically occurs in young adulthood when they are trying to figure out how to connect with others as this is the timeframe where they are planning to get married or be in a relationship, and when this doesn’t happen, they may feel a sense of isolation. However, not forming these types of relationships isn’t a sign of failure as there are people who are fully healthy and developmentally sound who are called to be single or who choose to be single. On the other hand, if somebody is choosing to find a mate and they have success, this can lead to a healthy long-term relationship. It can be a choice to cultivate that intimacy versus being isolated. To reference my former blog again, “Your Attachment Style, and It’s Effect on Your Relationship,” attachment styles can also lead to isolation even in a marriage because it doesn't mean that they have intimacy. Isolation may also occur when they’re not able to truly connect due to circumstances or who they are with; however, this isn't about judgment or about a preferred ideal, but rather more about the intimacy that can be cultivated. Whether the intimacy is within marriage or not, if there’s not an ability to have a connection and a long-term satisfying relationship, a sense of isolation can result.

40 years to 65 years - During this time, they begin to consider the legacy they want to leave behind. If they have a sense of failure because things haven't worked out, they might struggle; however, if there is a feeling of accomplishment as they’ve met their goals, they may feel much satisfaction. Either way, they may choose to work towards producing a legacy to be remembered by or to make a difference in the world. 

65 years old and beyond - I don’t believe this is completely accurate as it sounds like it's a passive thing as if life is over and at this point, we simply assess life and see it as either despair or something for which we are proud. As we know, people can start new careers and can still have wonderful meaningful lives during this phase of life. To think we just shrivel up and die is just not accurate as people can live to be 100! It’s more important to make the most of the remaining time and be proud of how they spent the previous years as well as the current time. It’s a time to reflect on whether they have integrity or a sense of despair. If they feel like our time is approaching, they may reflect and think they haven’t accomplished much and this is where they might feel despair. 

But here’s the thing…no matter what developmental challenges, no matter what stages have or haven't been “successfully mastered” or attained, it doesn't change the fact that as long as we’re breathing, we can make a change, we can make a difference, God can still use us, and God has a good calling for each of us! 

So if you have accomplished these stages, great, and if you haven't yet, that's OK! Start today and learn how to heal, get the skills, and surround yourself with supportive, healthy people! It's never too late to start, new wonderful habits and take steps toward the life that you desire and the abundant life Christ has for you. Just start where you are and make a realistic assessment and then get the people around you, the information and tools you need, and go for it!