Do you know the feeling of trying to keep it all together but not having enough time or energy to manage it all? If you're a Christian woman like me, you definitely do, because I am there with you. It's so hard sometimes when we have so many things that are on our plate that we want to do well, that we feel called to do and yet to feel like we can show up and actually get the stuff done.
Six Tips for Pulling Back To Move Towards Your Goals
I'm going to share with you six tips for pulling back to be able to move forward towards your goals. Now, this does not mean pulling back from the things that are your priorities or the things that are most important, but there are some things that I can give you tips for that will make it easier if you allow yourself to think of these things as helpful life saving tips.
- Stop Time Sucks: Now, what do I mean by stop the time sucks? Basically, to illustrate this, I'll tell you about when I was a young mom where I had three kids going in different directions, and I had my grandmother who was in nursing care and wasn't doing so well. I was trying to still be able to visit with her, get her out once a week, and to still have time with the grandkids while I was homeschooling, while I was going for my Masters. I mean, there was a lot going on and keeping my marriage strong and it was a time. So I just realized, I just don't have any spare time. So I did a brain dump exercise where basically I just got out of a clean sheet of paper and wrote down everything that was on my mind, all of the responsibilities, everything I was trying to do. As I did so, I think I ended up with something like 23 areas of focus, and 13 of those were actually really priorities and important. It was something like that, or it was 13, and seven of them were actually priorities and important. But there was something about the number 13 in there. I know that it was a huge number and that it was like so many things that I needed to say, I can't possibly contain all of this in my head. I just cannot possibly hold it. I remember looking at it, and the thing that I remember crossing off the list first was bowling league. I was on the church bowling league with my husband. Now, you might say with all that stuff going on, you should have some self-care time and certainly a date with your husband. Absolutely. Totally a valid way to look at that. However, at that point in time, it was taking away my Sunday evenings, which were the only times that my husband and I had as downtime to really regroup, to be able to strategize for the next week and to tackle everything. So, it became something that was on the chopping block, because even though I could make a case for enjoying that time with my husband and for getting away and having a date and doing something recreational, the time frame of when that showed up in our schedule was not something we could work with. Now, if it had been Thursday or Friday nights, maybe that could have stayed, because maybe that would have provided the respite we needed, but given that it was Sunday night, that was high-valued real estate, because that was the time where we were gearing up for the next week and recovering from the weekend, so it had to go. So that's the way to be kind of ruthless is to say, what are those things that are sucking your time? Either by taking up space that they shouldn't be in because other priorities should be there, or by being in the wrong space. Even though they're good things, even though they're priorities, they're in a space taking up time that you do not have to give at that time frame. They might be things that you just do not have the bandwidth at the day that they're scheduled or the day that the event's happening or the day that someone needs you to do something, and it's okay to say, this isn't working for me, and it's not workable for me. So, doing a brain dump so that you can see where all of your energies and focus and time is going and then choosing what the time sucks are either that they're in inopportune spaces in your calendar or they are things that are not priorities and get them out of there. That's the first thing that you can pull back from so that you can move forward towards your goals in a better way.
- Take Note of What Your Priorities Are: As a Christian woman reading this, I'm going to assume that God is a priority right now. God being a priority is great. Does that mean that you have to do a two-hour devotional at 5 in the morning because your best friend does that? Or because you heard someone say that's a great idea? Or are you more beneficial? Is it more beneficial to you to get your sleep and then actually be able to remember what you're studying? Or to do it before bed at night? Or to do a little bit with family at breakfast and then listen to some Christian radio or podcasts? Spending time with the Lord can be an all-day venture. He doesn't have to be pigeonholed into just certain times of the day. So, He is with you always. So, if He is a priority, make Him a priority and find those times that really, really work. But get honest with yourself. Are your devotions, are your prayers, are your church attendance times...are those things that actually are working in your schedule or are they causing more stress? Maybe you need to go to an earlier service or a Saturday night service or go to church on Wednesday evenings or for a season, say no to a small group because you need that time with family. Putting God first does not mean it has to look a certain way or like everybody else's way. Putting God first as a priority is of course super important. Then after that, what are your priorities in this season? Are they your marriage, your kids, healing from an illness, going back to school, taking care of a family member who needs your support? It can be a number of things, but choosing your top priorities as to where you're going to focus now that may be that you focus on your marriage and that you don't go out all of the time anymore because you have new babies and that's okay. That doesn't mean you're not focusing on your marriage just because more time is going to young kids, that's pretty natural. But to continue to build in time for your marriage so that it stays strong, so that after the kids are grown you still have this important relationship is very primary and a priority. So, you need to realize where you need to invest. And sometimes time spent is not necessarily an indication of the priority as much as it is that's how much time some things take right now, it's going to ebb and flow depending on the season of your life that you're in. But the things that are not ultimate priorities overall maybe don't have to have space in your life right now in this season. So yes, absolutely, your marriage and taking care of young kids, if that's where you are. But maybe that doesn't mean that you have to take your kids to every single play date right now. Maybe that just means being able to have some time as a family to chill out and play a board game or to take the kids to the park. It doesn't have to look like other people's busy schedules. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, and that's okay. So being able to pull back on the things for the season that you're in that don't serve your priorities, for instance, if you're going back to school while you're raising kids, then you're probably not going to be the best room mom who's throwing all of the holiday parties. And that's okay. You don't have to throw all the parties at school to be a good mom or to be prioritizing your kids, look at what's going on in your life and pull back as needed so that you can prioritize the main things.
- Think about Daily Activities that Keep It All Going; Don't Scrimp on Them: When you're trying to figure out how to get more time and how to get more energy, really think about the activities of daily living that keep it all going and don't scrimp on them. I know it's so tempting to say, I can just eat junk food, I don't have time to pack a lunch, or oh, I can't work out right now, I'm just too busy. But sometimes these basics like getting a shower every day, getting good sleep or taking a nap in the middle of the day, staying hydrated, having a healthy meal, or at least throwing an extra piece of fruit or vegetables into your lunch, those things sustain you. You can't neglect your activities of daily living such as cleanliness and good health and healthy practices and expect to be on a solid foundation where you have enough energy to focus. Now, it may mean that to have those fruits and vegetables, you need to get simple things like already chopped up vegetables that you take with you. Maybe you spend a little bit more for the convenience of healthy foods, or maybe you do double duty and take your kids in a stroller while you take your walk or go for a jog while you're also reading them, letting an audiobook be on to spend reading time with them. You can multitask, okay? But you need to be able to put those things that take care of you into the equation and ask for help if you need to. But it is okay to get a shower every day and it is okay to eat well every day, and it is okay to move your body every day and to pray every day.
- Batch Things: If you need to batch things, that's okay. You can put your kids in the stroller while you take a walk and pray. That is a triple batch and that is okay. It all counts. See what you can stack to get more mileage out of the same time block, but still prioritizing the main thing.
- Remember to Take the Sabath Day Off: Remember that taking a Sabbath a day off is not just a nicety, it's how we work best. God himself took a rest. Take a rest. Look at Chick fil A. Their sales are so much higher than other fast-food restaurants that are open seven days a week. Be like Chick fil A, take a rest. Be like God, take a rest one day a week, just take a rest. It doesn't have to be from morning to night. It could be from noon to noon. It could be from 4 to 4 the next evening. It's up to you. It doesn't have to be Sundays, doesn't have to be Saturdays, but setting aside time to rest really will be a way that you pull back to actually move faster, further. It's just so much easier when you take time off. You're actually better at the way you think, the way you prioritize, and the way you show up.
- Not Everything Is a Priority: Recognize that while there are many things that are important and you have many priorities, not everything is a priority. Not everything is important. Not everything is urgent. There might be some things that scream for your attention that really are not something you have to pay attention to. I remember one time this neighbor came across the street, knocked on our door and said, hey, it looks like the tree is about to fall and you should do something about it. It didn't look like the tree was about to fall to me. The tree looked fine to me. It was not on my radar, and it was not on his property, and it wasn't going to be on his property. I was like, oh, I see. I hear what you're telling me. And I shut the door, and we did nothing about it. And the tree is still standing, and that was years ago. It was like, your emergency doesn't mean it's mine. It doesn't mean I'm going to see things the same way as somebody else who thinks that you should drop something because it's something they're focused on or their priority. You need to make your own decisions about where your focus is, what your intended plan is. Notice where your energy is going and say no to things. Even if someone else thinks they should be urgent, they may not be priorities or urgent to you. Right? If someone says, oh, you really need to get back to me because we have to schedule this for the upcoming whatever. Well, if you didn't agree to join in on the upcoming whatever, then that's not your urgency and you can say no. You don't have to do things just because other people think you should or because other people think that they need to be done. Now you get to decide whether it's your priority, whether it is something that needs your attention at all, or whether it needs your attention right away if you do decide to give it attention.
So those are the six things that if you look into pulling back and reframing, how you do these things, what you pay attention to, what you tell yourself as you make these decisions that you can clear some of. The mental clutter and hopefully regain some clarity and some energy and some solid footing so that you can make wise choices and move forward faster towards the things that you really are focused on, that you really do prioritize and that really are your goals.
I really don't know if you have this problem, but we sometimes get mail delivered to our house that doesn't belong to us. In fact, it may not even be mail that belongs on our street. It may not be mail that belongs anywhere near us and somehow it gets mixed up in the mail that's dropped off at our home. Now, I really appreciate that our mail carrier brings mail to us in all kinds of different weather and all of the stuff they go through. I know it is not an easy job, but what is really frustrating is when something is put into our mailbox that becomes something we need to do something about and it's not ours. It's like I didn't make the mistake of putting it in the wrong mailbox and it's not my mail. Now I have to take time out of my schedule, out of my responsibilities, and what I have to do to make up for something that belongs to somebody else. Both the mistake which goes to the mail carrier and the mail getting to somebody else because it's not mine.
So, that's naturally something that is kind of irritating and frustrating. Now I get to choose whether I'm going to be irritated or frustrated about that or how I think about that or what I do about that. Okay, so if I must confess, if it's junk mail, right, I probably am going to pitch it. If it's something that is junk mail, then I'm just doing the world a favor by not trying to forward that on.
If it is something that looks more valuable, it might get confusing. Do I go hunt down this place that I've never heard of, google it, call somebody, report it to the post office and have the mail person come back and get it? I have options, right? So, I have a choice of something that is just like a flyer that's like, okay, so let's say there's a circular that comes and it has someone else's address on it, but it says to a "resident," that's going in the trash. Now, if something came to me and it looks like it's from something important or that it could be a check, a bill, or it's something medical, well, you can bet I'm going to pay a bit more attention to that.
Even though it's still not mine, even though I didn't make the mistake, and even though I'm not the one that the mail is for, I get to choose what level of involvement I have. So, I can think whenever mail comes that isn't mine what level of response do I want to show up with this? Do I want to allow this to be a minor irritation? Do I want to get really upset about this and tell off the post office? Do I want to tell myself these things happen, and I don't like it, but that's just part of life. That's usually the one I err on, okay?
Now, if they were doing this every day, multiple times a day with multiple people's mail, I'm probably going to call the post office and say, something has to be done about this because I'm wasting too much time doing the job that somebody else isn't doing well to try to get mail to people. So, I'm leveling up my actions based on the frequency and the level of the disturbance and the dysfunction that's going on. So, there's something really wrong if the mail for other people is constantly being given to me.
But if it is just a one time here or there thing, then it's just a fact of life. There's no need to get upset about it, and so I tell myself that, I understand you don't like it, Michelle. It's not your responsibility. Would be great if it didn't happen, but big deal. We're going to roll with it and we're going to be fine.
So, in that, what do I have? I have the ability to choose my thoughts, to choose my feelings, and to choose my actions. Choosing my thoughts, feelings and actions belongs to me. The thoughts, feelings, and actions of the person who made the mistake do not belong to me. That's their stuff. The mail does not belong to me. It belongs to whoever the mail is addressed to. How the person who didn't get their mail or eventually does get their mail, thinks, feels, or acts also does not belong to me. Right? I could go find where this street that I have no idea where it exists is and go drop off the mail, and that person could yell at me for stealing their mail, they could thank me for bringing their mail, or they could just kind of ignore me and just take it from me and no big deal. They get to choose how they think, feel, and act.
So, what do I do then about how they think, feel, and act is I can be irritated if they're rude about it. I can be no big deal. Okay, fine. Glad I brought it to you. Sorry it didn't matter to you anyhow. I can be like, oh, how nice of them to accept that and enjoy it. It volleys back to me as to what I do with the input that comes from this person when I drop off their mail. If I did that, things get tangled when we forget that we are not the other person and that the way someone else thinks, feels, and behaves does not belong to us.
Often as Christian women, we get caught up in feelings of wanting to help and wanting to care. Maybe people telling us something belongs to us that doesn't belong to us as far as what to think, feel, or how to act. It can get confusing because we can have this experience of feeling like we're involved in something that really doesn't involve us. It's kind of like the mail...the mail that ends up at my home that isn't addressed to me and that got there through no fault of my own is not my mail. Now my responsibility is what to do with the stuff that got to me in error, and that's where I can choose what I think and do. I can call the post office, I can search out the owner, or I can ignore it and say probably junk and pitch it. All of those things are once it arrives at my doorstep. The tricky part is that so many times we allow other people's stuff to come to our doorstep and feel like we're responsible for actually managing that stuff that doesn't belong to us.
If I receive an Amazon package to my door of things I never ordered. If I didn't order it, I don't want it, it's not mine. So, I get to say, not mine, take it back or I call Amazon and they say to just keep it anyway. I get to decide if it's valuable and I want to keep it, if I want to pitch it, if I want to donate it, or what I want to do with it because I'm the one responsible for it.
All of this to say that as I give you these two stories, do you ever feel like people's mistakes end up being your responsibility? Like people's feelings or actions end up being something you have to do something about, even though it's not yours. It arrived in your life through no fault of your own, and it's really not yours? Do you find that people put their expectations as to how you should think, feel, or behave onto you? Do you recognize that if and when people do that, you can say not mine, or do you get swept up in the other person's thoughts, feelings and actions about what you should do? It can get pretty complicated if you're not good at sorting through what's your mail or your Amazon packages and somebody else's.
It can be complicated when you don't know what your thoughts and feelings are, your choices for actions, your expectations, your behaviors that you want to do, or what others are trying to get you to do because of their thoughts, feelings, or actions and what they expect of you. It's kind of difficult to sort through this if you're one of these people that gets a lot of other people's stuff and is particularly compassionate, a people-pleaser, or in particular, just wants to make sure you do the right thing, get approval, don't make waves, or don't like people being angry or upset about things. This might be something that you struggle with, and if so, it's understandable and yet it's still not necessarily yours. You're not responsible for other people's mail. You're not responsible for other people's mistakes. You're not responsible to behave a certain way simply because somebody expects that of you or wants that for you because they put that on you. It doesn't make it anymore your mail or your package, and you don't have to follow through on it as if it does.
Where do you need to say, that that just is not mine and I am returning it to sender? You don't get to tell me how to feel about myself or about this situation. You don't get to tell me how I'm going to respond or not. You don't get to tell me how I feel, how I think, or how I'm going to choose to act. And if I disappoint you, that is your disappointment to deal with. That doesn't mean I did anything wrong because I'm staying in my lane.
Romans 14:12 talks about each person needing to give an account to God for our lives. And that's giving an account for how we live our lives. It's not giving an account for how other people think we should live our lives. It's not giving an account for how other people want us to live our lives and whether we lived up to other people's stuff. It is how we lived our lives. What we're responsible for is our thoughts, feelings and actions. We are not responsible for taking on all of the weight of everybody else and their expectations for us.
