parenting

The myth of perfect is what I'm talking about today. First of all, are you God? NO. Are you, you? YES, so you can't be perfect, so we just cleared that up. Can you do things well? Yes, of course you can do things well. Do you want to do things well? Of course, we want to do things well, but the myth of perfect says that it's perfect. For instance, if you do want to go buy those extra gifts so everything looks like there's an abundance under the tree of these amazing gifts, is that really perfect? If then behind the scenes, you're trying to struggle to pay off credit cards, which then leads you to be nervous, which then leads you to work more, which then takes you away from your kids. I think the kids would rather have fewer gifts and have mom or dad present and less stressed than paying for gifts they couldn't afford.

Assuming that something is perfect doesn't leave room for the fact that perfect may not be as perfect as you think it is. For instance, it might be perfect to have the grandparents over.  If they could just come out or if we could fly them out for the holidays, the holidays would be perfect. Well, it might be great to have the grandparents come out for the holidays. That's wonderful. But it won't be perfect. Let's be real. If they're staying with you, it's going to be tight quarters, no matter how big your house is. Abraham Lincoln said, after three days, visitors, like fish, start to stink. The truth is that even good things can have drawbacks. Grandma and Grandpa can be there, but then that means Grandma and Grandpa could be there. You may have a beautiful home that you've decorated, really lovely, and if your kids are playing with their toys and you have expensive stuff out, it may look perfect, but if it comes crashing down and everybody's upset and being punished. Is that really perfect? We have to realize that there is this ability to just roll with it that allows things to be more perfect than perfect. I may not get to everything on that list, and that's okay. I was kind to my kids, and we played, and we enjoyed time. So, we didn't get everything wrapped, and we gave it to each other in a bag instead. So what? Let yourself off the hook.

You don't have to have ten different made-from-scratch meals on the table or recipes. You don't have to have ten made from scratch. Recipes all made on the table on Christmas Day. It's okay to order from Olive Garden. It's okay to pick up a turkey from Bob Evans. You can swing by the bakery and get some cookies or a pie or cake. Get some help if you need it. You don't have to pretend you're superwoman. You don't have to pretend you have it all together. Here's the truth: no one has it all together. If you think that having it all together is what makes you perfect, well, that makes you imperfect because you're believing something that isn't true. Believing something that isn't true isn't perfect because we can only believe things that are true and have them be true. If we're believing things that are false, we can believe them, but that doesn't make them true. All right, a lot of double talk there, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying.

When people use the phrase perfect, it sets up the belief, the unspoken, that anything less than this vision someone has is not ideal. The problem is, who are you to say what the ideal vision for everybody is? Some people might think that going to Disney World for Christmas is perfect. The atmosphere is amazing. Some people might think that is the most horrible use of money and crowds. I can't stand them, yet if you're trying to take everyone to Disney World and the people in your group would rather go on a sleigh ride at night in some quiet northern community, and you've just taken them to Disney World, it's only perfect in your mind because it didn't bless everybody. You're not going to be able to bless everybody all the time. You can try to bless people, but perfect to a two-year-old might be playing with the wrapping paper in the box and Mom and Dad not getting upset because they couldn't care less about the toy. That's a whole lot more perfect than, look, I got you this toy and you should like it, and Mom and Dad are upset, and the toy didn't get put together right and it's not working. And where's the batteries? We don't need all of that. The kid's happy with the box.

Let's wake up and appreciate what we actually have. Stop stressing about giving your kids good memories and give them good memories by being there, being relaxed, going with the flow, laughing when the turkey burns, laughing when the cake falls down and go, oh, my goodness. Or by going, oh, that was so hard, but we can clean it up and then we can figure something else out. The way that you approach the holidays, the way you approach it with stress or without stress, with giving yourself time to relax and enjoy or not, is what you're modeling for your kids as you strive for perfect with your kids. If this is something that you're struggling with this year, I want you to ask yourself, is it really perfect for your kids to see you running around with no time to relax, getting to the edge of your temper, not having time to sit down and just hold them and watch television or snuggle or read a Bible story? Let's evaluate. Is it really as perfect as what you're trying to achieve? Or is that just a myth in your head?

You can do some things that you want to do, but that there is no perfect holiday because it's all variable. Everybody's view is different. You don't have to attain a certain quota of a certain number of recipes that are on the table. You don't have to have a certain way that the tablecloth looks. You don't have to have gifts wrapped a certain way. Sometimes the beauty is in the imperfection, with the relationship being the main focus, Christ being the main focus, and love being the main focus. If you find that your priorities this time of year go to tasks rather than people and rather than the One that Christmas is all about and the love that He came to give us all, that's not really perfect, is it? Cut yourself some slack. It's okay to relax and enjoy the holidays!

Podcast release date: Wednesday, June 7th, 2023.  So today I want to tell you about the family drama that happened on a vacation months we went to Washington DC my husband had a business trip and my kids came with me only two of the three came with me but at the time and I won't read out which two they were but at the time we went to Arlington national cemetery because my parents are taking me and my brother there when we were kids and I thought this is great it's homeschool it's history will go to Arlington national cemetery and we will go and see John F Kennedy's grave and I remembered my parents made a big deal about John F. Kennedy's grave because it had the eternal flame in our end and I was like oh that's interesting this doesn't go out it was it was just interesting And I ask them again come on let me get your picture and they were some more like no we don't want to picture and I said that's it and this is not my proudest mommy moment that's it let's go and I was getting them big-time I was I was so guilty I was like I want you to realize how in my mind I'm like I want you to realize how inappropriate this was when your mom went to take your picture you just smile and it's over with what's the big deal And I march them back down the hill and out of the car can we call that Arlington or like a watch out it's like an Arlington and from that moment forward I did get my way I was like if I ever ask you for a picture again please just smile let me take the picture it doesn't have to be a big deal now I can go into that and kind of dissect it and get what happened and even with saying about the picture you know about you taking the picture there are some skills that I could use differently so let's let's unpack this to see where it went wrong OK one I was expecting my kids to have the same value for this experience that I was having they enjoyed it but it was also like OK it didn't mean anything it wasn't trying to re-create some thing it wasn't anything that you know they were that invested in we were hot we were tired we had traveled five hours four hours whatever We had been in the heat we had walked up the hill I don't know if we had eaten breakfast before that or not or what it happened guessing we had something but probably it was junk food because it was on a trip so there was probably a lot in our reserves that wasn't something that we could pull on right then and then getting there there were stressors and tension because to me because there were other tourists around and so you only got a chance to get in front of the gravesite with the eternal flame for so long right because he didn't wanna get in other peoples pictures he wanted to be polite well this is all my stuff right so I'm like hurry up let me get the picture when I heard I don't want the picture Wait what my plans you went against my plans you went against the way this was supposed to go quotes around supposed to and I didn't know what to do with this because at that point my reserves were shot again the hoped-for Imaginary that I was bringing to this the what I expected it to be my expectations did not match reality the physical heat and exertion and exhaustion did not match the reality of I mean it did match the reality the idyllic family picture did not match reality I mean to this day we just we kind of laughed at that whole thing because they realized mom kind of lost it and fortunately mom knows that and mom was able to make amends but also let them know what acceptable and not acceptable behavior is and then I also can recognize sometimes they don't want to get their picture taken so I need to respect that for them as well But when it's really not a big deal and I'm asking I asked if they would mind just letting me take the picture because it means a lot to me and most of the time they're OK with that but when they're not I don't take the picture or I take pictures and don't post them without approval OK I respect them as well so it goes both ways but this is not really on that line of thought this is more on the fact that the reserves were not there to be drawn upon But I wasn't aware when I went into the situation oh hey just breathe you don't have to rush so fast you know what maybe you guys need more sleep in the morning let's get a healthy breakfast will go over and see if we can get a picture maybe I could've let down my expectations a bit about having to get the picture there as I think back why do I want a picture of a grave with a gaslit flame like that doesn't why would I want that I don't know it seems so important at the time and now I'm like I don't need that picture by the way I didn't get that picture so it doesn't matter  It obviously wasn't something I needed to cause a big deal about and my kids told me that I took them back the next day anyhow so I don't remember that maybe we got a picture the next day I don't have it anywhere that I Yum that I know of so it might be on some device somewhere if we actually did get it but I'm not convinced we did so it was my expectations turns out And I could've handled this in so many better ways any way along this Arlington trip I could have changed it I was the adults I was responsible for that they were very good kids they were not disobedient kids they weren't doing anything wrong they simply didn't want their picture taken I could've respected that in the moment I could've said hey can you come over here a moment this is really special to me and I really like it I know you don't want it but would you be willing this one time right I could have him Said hey let's make sure we have adequate water before we go let's get some cooling towels let's have a nice breakfast instead of junk food let's stop here in the entrance area and stay in some air conditioning Let's take the walk up the hill slower let's not go today let's go on a day that's not 80° Let's go to time where there aren't a lot of tourists let's sit here and wait for people to leave right at any point along this way I could have regulated myself I could've better been there for my kids to help them to be more comfortable in this uncomfortable heat My expectations and my window of tolerance as to what I could take I couldn't take more physically and that's what led to this I needed to cool down I needed to hydrate I need to slow down I need to breathe and I need it to handle it better Being able to honor each other for having our own needs and our own windows of tolerance and they didn't want the picture taken they didn't need to have it taken that they are allowed to have their viewpoints to know in all relationships we can compromise we can ask and negotiate hey guys if it's really not that big a deal to you it would really mean a lot to me Or if they said you know what I know it would mean a lot to you but right now I'm really not wanting my picture taken I don't feel very good about myself because I've been sweating and I'm exhausted I'd appreciate if we didn't and then we decide you know which need is more like pressing I could give up the photo for them right or they could say all let's just smile for mom What happen though wasn't their best move wasn't my best move and so we both had to adjust after we had discussed this and figured it out but you have to recognize your window of tolerance and that starts with your physical body if it's too much if you're not getting enough rest if you're not having good enough nutrition if you're not having enough comfortable temperature or clothes that aren't itchy Right sometimes we expect kids like on holidays to be dressed up and then we wonder why they're miserable because they're in these itchy clothes that are not comfortable right and there's this anticipation anticipation of gifts and all day you're like waiting for people to come and gifts to happen and you're wearing these itchy clothes no wonder kids have meltdowns they're outside of their window of tolerance Hey That's what we need to attend to for a selves and for those we care about that we are all human we all have needs to eat well sleep well be hydrated have space have time be able to go to the restroom or take a shower without continual stress that's why new moms have a rough time you know with moms of young kids they have a rough time because they can't even get a shower by themselves Let's But I didn't unfortunately we have a bitter sweet family memory I think the kids think it's hilarious that mom lost her cool mom still cringes at it because I wish I hadn't now again they've just smiled sure where they kids yeah And I hope that if you find yourself frazzled or at the end of your rope or too much too high of expectations that can't possibly be met with the reality around you they will reconsider stepping back and building in some margin for yourself it makes all the difference