If you've ever wondered, why am I anxious? What's causing me to be anxious? I don't even know why I feel this anxious. Some of these things might be stuff you can trace back and find out that they contribute to it in some way. Obviously, you're not going to have a perfect answer that has the exact right proportions of what is causing any particular flavor of anxiety that you might experience, because there are many factors.
Is It Genetic Predisposition?
The factors can fall into some genetic predisposition. So just kind of in your biological makeup and wiring of having a physical human body, there can be some genetics that play into a higher opportunity. Let's say, for anxiety and given the right environment where there are stressors or trauma things that were not optimal, it might flip the switch and say, okay, you already had a predisposition genetically, and now the environment is turning the switch on, and now you struggle with it.
Is It Your Environment?
It also could be strictly your environment. It could be that you've had a traumatic experience. You've experienced something that felt unsafe, that felt life threatening, a situation that you felt trapped in, or that you couldn't get out of. It could be an emotional trauma. It could be a physical trauma. It could be like a car accident, or it could be verbal abuse, people calling you names, or bullying you experienced. It can be not having enough of what you needed. It can be being overly protected and now wondering how to stay safe. It can be based on environmental factors. So maybe there are things in your environment that are not optimal and they're causing stress and anxiety. It could be because there's a lack of something and you're concerned about being able to be safe and to have enough of what you need.
Is It Physical Symptoms?
It can be physical symptoms, so it can be related to perhaps when you have a cold coming on or PMS or if you've been under a lot of stress. As far as physically, it can really just be something that is more likely to kind of be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. It sets it over the edge. And you might feel that for a certain time frame or season could be because of a medical condition. It could be because of the side effects of medications or the different symptoms from medical conditions.
The Perfect Storm
So, there are all kinds of things that can cause anxiety as far as the underlying causes, but there's often not just one. It's often a perfect storm. It may be one, but it may be other things. And the problem with anxiety is that sometimes it breeds anxiety. So, it may have started off as one thing, like, let's say, childhood bullying, but then it might turn into something else, like being insecure of how you perform. And so there you can't perform in the school play. Well, it may have started with bullying, but then it might turn into insecurity and then anxiety about something else. Sometimes it can just change based on the situation, but the anxiety is still the same underlying thread of, will people hurt me or disapprove or am I going to be treated poorly? And that makes me anxious.
The Snowball Effect
The messages that the anxiety situations send to you may be similar across different environments. So, for instance, if you're feeling like you're not good enough, you might start that way. Because maybe a parent compared you to a sibling or to a classmate and said, why can't you be more like them? Right? So then when you go out for the team and you didn't make it, that message stayed with you. See, I must not be good enough. I'm not good enough to be chosen. I have to perform a certain way or act a certain way or look a certain way. That underlying message can be what is the root of a lot of the negative self-talk and therefore the insecurity and then the fear of what that's going to cause and what might happen that might replicate that pain from the past, and that can set you on edge. So, it's something that can snowball in that way.
It can also snowball in that if you feel anxious, you're more likely to be alert for anything that could reinforce that anxiety because you want to prevent it from happening. So if I get concerned that I'm about to be bit by a dog because that happened in the past, then when I'm taking a walk through the neighborhood, if I see a dog, I might start walking on the other side of the road. Well, because I walked on the other side of the road, my mind might start going and go, oh, see, that dog is going to get me. And then maybe it's like, oh, if that dog's going to get me, maybe I should look on this side of the road. Maybe there's a dog here that's going to come out of nowhere. And then the next thing you know, you've stopped taking your neighborhood walks, or you're walking down the middle of the street and people are like, why isn't she walking on the sidewalk?
Or it just can snowball into, okay, if I feel that uneasy, then maybe it's true. Maybe the feelings are telling me there really is a threat. Even if there are no dogs in your neighborhood, or the dogs are all chained up, or they're all tame, or they all have fences around them, your logic goes offline when you are anxious, and therefore you might feel that there's a very real threat, even when the likelihood of that very real threat isn't found in reality. Sometimes just the awareness of being anxious and having your system kind of on high alert for, uh-oh, I'm anxious, that means trouble is coming. And then looking for trouble and continuing that anxious cycle. Oh, trouble must be coming because I feel it. Uh=oh, I feel it...trouble must be coming. It can be a vicious cycle.
Speak Truth to Our Nervous System
So, we need to reign ourselves in and tell ourselves more helpful information. Such as, even though I feel afraid that I'm going to be bit by a dog, I know that there are no dogs on this street, so I can feel it and still take my walk, or even though I feel like there's a dog going to attack me from every side, I know that only one of these neighbors has a dog and that that dog is tame and they're on the left side of the street. So just to be sure, and because I'm uncomfortable, I'll walk on the right. I know that this isn't a realistic threat; it just feels like one, so I'll still take my walk.
We have to tell ourselves the truth, which can sound something like, hey, nervous system, I know you feel, however you feel scared, nervous, insecure, afraid, whatever and I understand that. Here is how I can help, by telling you the truth: there isn't danger, even though it feels that way, or the danger is not very likely, or let's be reasonable here, we can do a little bit of protection, but we don't have to do everything because that's out of proportion.
If you can calm the automatic sympathetic nervous system that makes you feel like there's a threat, your logic can come on. Therefore, you'll be seeing things clearer because you'll be able to blend what it feels like with logical information so you can make a much better calculated estimate as to how much of a threat you're in and what you're going to do about it. Being aware that anxiety can breed more anxious feelings is often a key that can help you to say, I see what's happening here. I'm not really spiraling because there's all this threat or such a high level of threat. I'm spiraling because I noticed the feelings of anxiety and I negatively attributed, I mean, I accidentally attributed them to actual threat and it was just feelings and they weren't indicative of actually what the level of threat is.
If you could realize that it might help your system to go, oh, so I was kind of continuing the cycle. If I can tell myself the truth, then I won't feel as nervous, which will make me not think that I am in as much danger because my logic will be able to come on and help me to understand the level of threat is not as intense as I had thought. So, I hope that's helpful.
As you look into dealing with anxiety further, I hope you'll check out the upcoming episodes. I'm going to talk more about it, but for now, I just want to remind you that if you need help with anxiety, feel free to reach out for a next step discovery call. Just go to Mental Health for Christian Women and hop on my schedule. There's a button there where you can pull up my schedule and find a time for a free 15-minute consult. I'd love to hear what's going on with you and see how I could possibly help. Take care.
Do you know the feeling of trying to keep it all together but not having enough time or energy to manage it all? If you're a Christian woman like me, you definitely do, because I am there with you. It's so hard sometimes when we have so many things that are on our plate that we want to do well, that we feel called to do and yet to feel like we can show up and actually get the stuff done.
Six Tips for Pulling Back To Move Towards Your Goals
I'm going to share with you six tips for pulling back to be able to move forward towards your goals. Now, this does not mean pulling back from the things that are your priorities or the things that are most important, but there are some things that I can give you tips for that will make it easier if you allow yourself to think of these things as helpful life saving tips.
- Stop Time Sucks: Now, what do I mean by stop the time sucks? Basically, to illustrate this, I'll tell you about when I was a young mom where I had three kids going in different directions, and I had my grandmother who was in nursing care and wasn't doing so well. I was trying to still be able to visit with her, get her out once a week, and to still have time with the grandkids while I was homeschooling, while I was going for my Masters. I mean, there was a lot going on and keeping my marriage strong and it was a time. So I just realized, I just don't have any spare time. So I did a brain dump exercise where basically I just got out of a clean sheet of paper and wrote down everything that was on my mind, all of the responsibilities, everything I was trying to do. As I did so, I think I ended up with something like 23 areas of focus, and 13 of those were actually really priorities and important. It was something like that, or it was 13, and seven of them were actually priorities and important. But there was something about the number 13 in there. I know that it was a huge number and that it was like so many things that I needed to say, I can't possibly contain all of this in my head. I just cannot possibly hold it. I remember looking at it, and the thing that I remember crossing off the list first was bowling league. I was on the church bowling league with my husband. Now, you might say with all that stuff going on, you should have some self-care time and certainly a date with your husband. Absolutely. Totally a valid way to look at that. However, at that point in time, it was taking away my Sunday evenings, which were the only times that my husband and I had as downtime to really regroup, to be able to strategize for the next week and to tackle everything. So, it became something that was on the chopping block, because even though I could make a case for enjoying that time with my husband and for getting away and having a date and doing something recreational, the time frame of when that showed up in our schedule was not something we could work with. Now, if it had been Thursday or Friday nights, maybe that could have stayed, because maybe that would have provided the respite we needed, but given that it was Sunday night, that was high-valued real estate, because that was the time where we were gearing up for the next week and recovering from the weekend, so it had to go. So that's the way to be kind of ruthless is to say, what are those things that are sucking your time? Either by taking up space that they shouldn't be in because other priorities should be there, or by being in the wrong space. Even though they're good things, even though they're priorities, they're in a space taking up time that you do not have to give at that time frame. They might be things that you just do not have the bandwidth at the day that they're scheduled or the day that the event's happening or the day that someone needs you to do something, and it's okay to say, this isn't working for me, and it's not workable for me. So, doing a brain dump so that you can see where all of your energies and focus and time is going and then choosing what the time sucks are either that they're in inopportune spaces in your calendar or they are things that are not priorities and get them out of there. That's the first thing that you can pull back from so that you can move forward towards your goals in a better way.
- Take Note of What Your Priorities Are: As a Christian woman reading this, I'm going to assume that God is a priority right now. God being a priority is great. Does that mean that you have to do a two-hour devotional at 5 in the morning because your best friend does that? Or because you heard someone say that's a great idea? Or are you more beneficial? Is it more beneficial to you to get your sleep and then actually be able to remember what you're studying? Or to do it before bed at night? Or to do a little bit with family at breakfast and then listen to some Christian radio or podcasts? Spending time with the Lord can be an all-day venture. He doesn't have to be pigeonholed into just certain times of the day. So, He is with you always. So, if He is a priority, make Him a priority and find those times that really, really work. But get honest with yourself. Are your devotions, are your prayers, are your church attendance times...are those things that actually are working in your schedule or are they causing more stress? Maybe you need to go to an earlier service or a Saturday night service or go to church on Wednesday evenings or for a season, say no to a small group because you need that time with family. Putting God first does not mean it has to look a certain way or like everybody else's way. Putting God first as a priority is of course super important. Then after that, what are your priorities in this season? Are they your marriage, your kids, healing from an illness, going back to school, taking care of a family member who needs your support? It can be a number of things, but choosing your top priorities as to where you're going to focus now that may be that you focus on your marriage and that you don't go out all of the time anymore because you have new babies and that's okay. That doesn't mean you're not focusing on your marriage just because more time is going to young kids, that's pretty natural. But to continue to build in time for your marriage so that it stays strong, so that after the kids are grown you still have this important relationship is very primary and a priority. So, you need to realize where you need to invest. And sometimes time spent is not necessarily an indication of the priority as much as it is that's how much time some things take right now, it's going to ebb and flow depending on the season of your life that you're in. But the things that are not ultimate priorities overall maybe don't have to have space in your life right now in this season. So yes, absolutely, your marriage and taking care of young kids, if that's where you are. But maybe that doesn't mean that you have to take your kids to every single play date right now. Maybe that just means being able to have some time as a family to chill out and play a board game or to take the kids to the park. It doesn't have to look like other people's busy schedules. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, and that's okay. So being able to pull back on the things for the season that you're in that don't serve your priorities, for instance, if you're going back to school while you're raising kids, then you're probably not going to be the best room mom who's throwing all of the holiday parties. And that's okay. You don't have to throw all the parties at school to be a good mom or to be prioritizing your kids, look at what's going on in your life and pull back as needed so that you can prioritize the main things.
- Think about Daily Activities that Keep It All Going; Don't Scrimp on Them: When you're trying to figure out how to get more time and how to get more energy, really think about the activities of daily living that keep it all going and don't scrimp on them. I know it's so tempting to say, I can just eat junk food, I don't have time to pack a lunch, or oh, I can't work out right now, I'm just too busy. But sometimes these basics like getting a shower every day, getting good sleep or taking a nap in the middle of the day, staying hydrated, having a healthy meal, or at least throwing an extra piece of fruit or vegetables into your lunch, those things sustain you. You can't neglect your activities of daily living such as cleanliness and good health and healthy practices and expect to be on a solid foundation where you have enough energy to focus. Now, it may mean that to have those fruits and vegetables, you need to get simple things like already chopped up vegetables that you take with you. Maybe you spend a little bit more for the convenience of healthy foods, or maybe you do double duty and take your kids in a stroller while you take your walk or go for a jog while you're also reading them, letting an audiobook be on to spend reading time with them. You can multitask, okay? But you need to be able to put those things that take care of you into the equation and ask for help if you need to. But it is okay to get a shower every day and it is okay to eat well every day, and it is okay to move your body every day and to pray every day.
- Batch Things: If you need to batch things, that's okay. You can put your kids in the stroller while you take a walk and pray. That is a triple batch and that is okay. It all counts. See what you can stack to get more mileage out of the same time block, but still prioritizing the main thing.
- Remember to Take the Sabath Day Off: Remember that taking a Sabbath a day off is not just a nicety, it's how we work best. God himself took a rest. Take a rest. Look at Chick fil A. Their sales are so much higher than other fast-food restaurants that are open seven days a week. Be like Chick fil A, take a rest. Be like God, take a rest one day a week, just take a rest. It doesn't have to be from morning to night. It could be from noon to noon. It could be from 4 to 4 the next evening. It's up to you. It doesn't have to be Sundays, doesn't have to be Saturdays, but setting aside time to rest really will be a way that you pull back to actually move faster, further. It's just so much easier when you take time off. You're actually better at the way you think, the way you prioritize, and the way you show up.
- Not Everything Is a Priority: Recognize that while there are many things that are important and you have many priorities, not everything is a priority. Not everything is important. Not everything is urgent. There might be some things that scream for your attention that really are not something you have to pay attention to. I remember one time this neighbor came across the street, knocked on our door and said, hey, it looks like the tree is about to fall and you should do something about it. It didn't look like the tree was about to fall to me. The tree looked fine to me. It was not on my radar, and it was not on his property, and it wasn't going to be on his property. I was like, oh, I see. I hear what you're telling me. And I shut the door, and we did nothing about it. And the tree is still standing, and that was years ago. It was like, your emergency doesn't mean it's mine. It doesn't mean I'm going to see things the same way as somebody else who thinks that you should drop something because it's something they're focused on or their priority. You need to make your own decisions about where your focus is, what your intended plan is. Notice where your energy is going and say no to things. Even if someone else thinks they should be urgent, they may not be priorities or urgent to you. Right? If someone says, oh, you really need to get back to me because we have to schedule this for the upcoming whatever. Well, if you didn't agree to join in on the upcoming whatever, then that's not your urgency and you can say no. You don't have to do things just because other people think you should or because other people think that they need to be done. Now you get to decide whether it's your priority, whether it is something that needs your attention at all, or whether it needs your attention right away if you do decide to give it attention.
So those are the six things that if you look into pulling back and reframing, how you do these things, what you pay attention to, what you tell yourself as you make these decisions that you can clear some of. The mental clutter and hopefully regain some clarity and some energy and some solid footing so that you can make wise choices and move forward faster towards the things that you really are focused on, that you really do prioritize and that really are your goals.
