self-care

You know that voice, that critical, condemning, judgmental voice that you would never use out loud with other people but you turn it on yourself, right? It may sound like you're stupid. Oh, you're such a bother, no one wants you. Oh, you should eat better, you should do this differently. That's not right. What's the matter with you? That's not perfect. You have to keep striving to be loved. You have to do more.

You have to try harder. You can't mess up. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You're not good enough. Those are lies. Those are not God's truth about you. They are not who you are. And we need to recognize them for what they are. They're lies of the enemy, they're self-sabotaging.

They're trying to get you to survive in some way. They're trying to help you to avoid some sort of pain or to make sure everything's okay or to make sure everybody's okay or to make sure that your environment's safe. But they're not helpful because they're not telling you the truth. There's strategies that are kind of on default in the background strategies that say, well if I beat myself up for this, then I don't have to worry about that because I'll get this in control. And then when I beat myself up about it because I couldn't get it in control, then I really feel bad because now not only did I not control things, I didn't get things taken care of, but I've fallen short of what I thought I should do. And now I really feel down on myself because everything feels unsafe. Everything feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm the problem and it's all bad. And then we get into these cycles and then we do things like overeat or avoid or scream at the husband or the kids or shut down or turn to the substances like alcohol or the wine to cool down.

It's a vicious cycle and the crazy needs to stop now. So how do we stop the crazy cycle? Right? We learn to slow it down and tell ourselves the truth. The first thing we need to do is to catch it. So notice the negative thoughts that you have and how often you have them. Catch yourself. If you need to journal it and put it down or put it in your phone, then do that. Capture it as it's happening. Just be aware; you don't have to change anything yet.

Just be aware that's the first step is bringing awareness to the way that you self talk. That puts you down, criticizes you, labels you, judges you, shames you, criticizes you. That's not of God. So the first step is awareness. Bring awareness to it, capture it, write it down, note it somewhere that says wow, these are the things I say to myself and this is how often I'm doing it. Maybe it's all day long, maybe it's only in this circumstance. Maybe it's when I feel like this or that, right. Notice those things that can tell you more information about it.

So first, notice the negative thoughts, the negative self talk. Secondly, notice how you are triggered into that, the circumstances, the situations, the types of time of day or times in your cycle, or certain work situations or certain circumstances with your husband or with other people. Notice when those happen, because those are your kind of trigger points. And if you can notice both of those things, then the third step is to stop doing it and to replace it. So stop it.

And then the fourth step is to replace it with something helpful, good, true, gentle, graceful, kind, and along with that, to stop putting yourself into the triggering circumstances or situations. Now, that may not be like avoiding something. You may not be able to get away from the triggering circumstances, but find out what is making that trigger and manage that.

So if, for instance, I get triggered whenever I'm around a certain coworker, but I can't quit my job. But the coworker makes me feel like I need to criticize myself and be a lot harsher on myself when I'm doing fine at work. But I feel that way around this coworker, it might just mean I'm going to see if I can work down in a conference room rather than around the coworker. It might be, how can I spend as little time as possible around her and still be able to get my work done? But you can do that in other circumstances. If your mom sets you off, if your mom's a trigger, like you didn't do well enough at something, or you didn't call her back in the right time, or you didn't answer her questions fully enough, something like that, then we just kind of notice what's going on. Notice that's when we start getting harsh on ourselves, beating ourselves up, and we say, okay, I only call mom on Tuesdays, or mom isn't going to get a response from me today, or I'm going to look at mom as part of the problem in the cycle. And recognizing that gives me power to let it not have to bother me as much. Because I realize that it's the dynamic with mom.

It's not me being this awful, horrible person who doesn't measure up. Okay, so whatever your circumstances are, acknowledging, noticing, changing, telling truth, and strategizing about how to minimize the triggers as you stop and tell yourself the truth is very, very important. I hope that's helpful today. Grace, not perfection. Kindness, not judgment. That might be something you want to write out and put on a sticky note on your mirror or put it in your car so you see it every time you get behind the steering wheel. Grace, not perfection. Kindness, not judgment.

All right, I hope that helps. Go take on the day.