My husband is on a business trip, and my kids are all off doing their own things, and I was hungry, so I went to our favorite pizza shop this evening and got some pizza for myself, and I bought a Pepsi to go along with it. Now, if you've been listening for a while, you know that I got off caffeine and that is still true. But it was never an all or nothing thing. It was something that I would add back in on occasion, but not initially because I really wanted to break my dependence on it.
I've Loved Pepsi Since...
It's simply I really like it with pizza. And as I was walking out of the pizza place, taking the pizza to the car and holding the Pepsi, it's sunset and it's just this beautiful first day of August as I'm recording this. And so it's summer, I have pizza, I have Pepsi in my hand. And I instantly flashed back to how I've often enjoyed Pepsi. I've enjoyed it since I was a kid at my grandparents' house, one of my favorite places to be. I felt so safe and loved and taken care of there. I spent pretty much every weekend, every summer holiday, even when I came back from college, I would go up and sleep over there. I loved my grandparents so much and really enjoyed their home and being with them and it was such a nice, relaxed, respite.
It was a great place to be and I am very blessed that I had a really good relationship with them. And one of the things that from maybe middle school on while my grandfather was still alive was he knew I liked Pepsi. So he would buy me Doritos and Pepsi every weekend when I would come up. I love Doritos and Pepsi together and not quite as much now as I did when I was twelve, but it was something that was special and he always had those waiting for me.
How Good It Feels to be Cared For
So that's how I've tied all this into what I'm going to talk to you about today is I started thinking about how good it felt to be cared for with something. I liked to have my grandparents loving me and especially since I stayed there in the summertime as I'm walking out with a bottle of Pepsi in my hand and the sunset and the beautiful time where I just enjoyed being on the porch with my grandparents and summer and off of school.
It all came together in this memory for me, this kind of montage of just beautiful memories and feeling really good in my body.
Mr. Rogers' Lesson
That led me to think about Mr. Rogers. So if you can tell, my brain goes through many different connections as I'm sure yours probably does too. And Mr. Rogers had this practice that he had people do and it was to take a moment and think of somebody who was really special to you, who made a difference in your life and just think about them for a moment. Right? And then I think he said something at the end like how very proud of you they would be. Or something like that. And when I first heard that several years ago, immediately it was my grandparents that I thought of immediately. They were the people that had my back. They were the people who knew what I liked. They were the people who gave me special things. Even as I am saying this right now, tears are coming to my eyes because I love them, I miss them so much, I can't wait to see them again in heaven. But right now I am like even having to swallow back because of the tears. It is a good thing though. I love remembering how they made me feel and that connection of somebody special to you and how you can reflect back on how they made you feel, who they were, what it was about them that spoke to you.
Felt Sense of Safety
Then that tied to another connection, which is a client that I have been working with on something called a felt sense of safety. And a felt sense of safety is when in our body we can intentionally shift from the fight or flight nervous system into the rest and digest parasympathetic nervous system.
If you feel anxious or you feel overwhelmed, you can regulate yourself by thinking of something that is special to you or someone that is special to you or a feeling that you can take a snapshot of, kind of like a mental snapshot and know that you can get back there.
I want to invite you to do that today. If you have someone special in your history, as I do with my grandparents, I want you to think about who that someone special is. Maybe it was a teacher who believed in you or an aunt or an uncle or an older brother. Maybe it was your mom or your dad or your sibling. Maybe it was a parent of a friend. We all have those people that gosh if we could have been loved like that all the time consistently, there'd be like no wrong in the world. Everybody would have been loved so much.
And if you don't have that with a person, Jesus loves you unconditionally and consistently. And to be able to tap into your physical body that memory, that felt sense of safety.
So when I go back to my grandparents in the summertime, I can hear the crickets, I can feel the warm but cool breeze. It's kind of like cooler than the rest of the day but still warm because it's summer. I can smell the fresh cut grass, I can taste the iced tea, the Lipton iced tea with the lemon, all the sugar. I can hear the different sounds of the neighborhood because of where the houses were. I can hear my grandfather's voice. I can feel that feeling again.
I can even hear the refrigerator opening to get my Pepsi out. How often do I think about that though, right? I'm in my early fifties and I'm thinking back to how I felt as a teenager. I don't think about that every day, but when I stop and think about it, it is as fresh and as beautiful as it was back then, and probably even more so because I miss it so much. But I can go there and I can have this felt sense of love, provision, relaxation, support, enjoyment, rest. That's what it meant to be with my grandparents. And when I tap into those senses, it brings it up in my system as joy, as peace. Yeah, there's a little bit of sadness because I miss them so much. But overall, it's a good feeling. It's a really good feeling. It's a sentimental feeling, it's a nostalgia feeling, it's an appreciation feeling.
I Invite You to Experience that Felt Sense of Safety and Share It
I don't know what that is for you. I don't know who that is for you. But I want to invite you, like Mr. Rogers did, to think about that special someone, even if it was just for a moment that you had someone who loved you the way you really needed to be loved at the right moment. Just pull on that good, good memory of being and feeling so, so loved, and notice what you hear, what you think, what you feel, what you remember. And in that memory, what do you see? What do you hear? What do you touch? What do you taste? What do you smell? Try to make that as real as possible, what it was like to be in that moment or in that time frame with that person, or those people that were so special and comforting and supportive and encouraging. And stay there until you can feel that in your body and feel the shift, the shift to the comforting state, the felt sense of safety.
And your mindset and your feelings and how you look at life and how safe the world feels, it shifts, and it becomes better. And that's a tool that you always have with you. You can always hold on to that felt sense. Take a snapshot of it. What did that memory feel like? What did that experience of being in that person's presence feel like? And if you want to, I invite you. I'm no Mr. Rogers, but I invite you to think about that special person and drop it into Instagram or the Facebook page Mental Health for Christian Women, and just tell me who that special person was and what it was that made them so special you. And tell me how it went for you. How did this exercise go? Were you able to feel it again? Because I'd love to hear who your special person was or is and how it made you feel to try this exercise.
God bless.
If you are somebody in a romantic relationship, looking for a partner in marriage, or somebody who is trying to instruct their son or daughter on what to look for and how to consider some things in getting together with somebody in that type of relationship, I am going to give you my personal and therapist kind of thoughts.
Where's My Experience Come from?
My personal thoughts come from believing in Jesus as you know, mental health for Christian women. So that is absolutely a part of informing what I'm about to say. I've also been married for nearly 28 years, so that's another part where I'm still married to the same first person I ever married and we have a very good relationship and it just keeps getting better. And I'm not just saying that. We've put in a lot of hard work and we have been blessed to have the fruit of that hard work pay off and we're really complementary and love each other and aligned in a lot of ways. And also as a therapist and marriage coach and marriage mentor who has sat on the other side of the room watching couples, listening to couples, hearing what people are saying, hearing what single women have said as they think about getting back into the dating scene. So I'm coming at it from multiple perspectives.
I'm also coming at it as somebody who didn't always know how to think about all of this stuff. I'm covering this as we had a mid-month listener meetup in July and it was something where one of the people who showed up was coming out of a divorce and asking: Is there something that she needs to be aware of or work on to make sure that it's not something she's doing to pick somebody who isn't going to be trustworthy or a good partner and doesn't want to replicate that again in a third relationship that leads to marriage?
The 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
Today I'm going to give my take on ten questions to ask yourself before getting into a dating relationship or if you're in a dating relationship before agreeing to marriage or going into marriage.
- For a person who considers themselves a Christian and by Christian I do not mean a person who acts one way, says they're a Christian and lives a different way. By Christian, I am defining it as someone who believes Jesus is the way, the one way to God, the truth and the life and lives their life in submission to God's will. God's way scripture the Holy Spirit's direction how God is leading and what God's truths are and conducts themselves in love and holiness and wise choices and seeking the Lord's direction in prayer and just this connection with God in relationship through scripture community, working on themselves, loving others, helping people, encouraging love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, goodness. These things that exemplify the fruits of the Spirit that we let the Lord lead our lives and we submit our lives to his direction and living it the way he would have to. Turning from the things that seem only right in our own eyes, only that we want to do the selfish human nature parts, committing sins and working against people. Those are not the things I'm talking about. I'm talking about having a real relationship with Jesus. Being the way to God and being able to say that and believe that and live that way doesn't mean being perfect, doesn't mean never having faults, doesn't mean never sinning. Means that the heart is right to say, Lord, I want what you want. Even if I'm struggling, I want to walk in your ways. Please help me correct this. Or what do you think about this? Or this is what I am feeling that I'm going to do, please intervene if this isn't actually right or I'm missing something or just having that connection to God to say hey, here's where I am, but you are the one I want to serve. And so that is what I mean when I say a person who is saved, a Christian believer, somebody who can honestly both say and live and believe that Jesus is Lord and that they have chosen to make him Lord of their lives and the way they live their lives. And so the first thing if that's you, then the first question to ask yourself is for anybody you're considering dating, and certainly for anybody you're considering marrying, is this person saved? So everything I just said is this person not just somebody who says, oh, there's probably a God, I'll go to church with you. I mean, that's great, but that's a friend, that's not a partner. Okay? If you are somebody who has made Jesus Lord of your life and you are with somebody who cannot say jesus is the Lord of my life, the one way and that actually lives that way, that is an automatic no. And I will hear people justify that and say, yeah, well, but and I can understand these different perspectives as far as well, this is true and this is true and it could be true. And maybe and as I've thought about it more and really had God just clarify it even more, to me, there really is no other bottom line, there cannot be a true unity in marriage, a true foundation that is united as one if your spirit is one with God. And the person you're married to is married to the world, so to speak, and not aligned with God because you're both coming from very true foundational discrepancies, right? You're coming from life and freedom and salvation. They are coming from sin, law, humanness, and no matter how quote unquote good they seem, you cannot join someone whose spirit has been redeemed by God and someone who is still on a pathway and a journey to hell. And that may sound very harsh and that may I would definitely be canceled in mainstream culture. And this isn't to condemn anybody. Like I'm not trying to put anybody down, I'm just speaking the truth in love that as a Christian, if you are seeking to date somebody, that may lead to marriage or even dating, because what's the purpose of dating if it's not going to lead to commitment and marriage? It would be friendship, right? I can go out with people and enjoy their company and not align my life with theirs. But if you're going to align your life with somebody in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, family wise, you can't overlook how important being connected and in agreement on the spiritual is. So that is what I'm saying. So the first question to ask yourself before getting into a dating or marriage relationship, preferably before dating, is, is this person saved? And that means not just by words, not just by beliefs, but by actions and the way that the fruit is shown true Christianity, not hypocrisy.
- Is this someone you would be happy to have by your side raising your child? So if they are somebody, let's say that you're already past having children. You don't want children. That's okay. This is more of an exercise in if you had a child, somebody that you loved so deeply and would do anything for and cared about protecting them, is this person someone you would trust to take care of them? To keep them safe, to not harm them, to not do things that are going to emotionally impact them. And they're going to have to undo it for the rest of their life. Is this person somebody that I would trust if I were raising a child? That doesn't mean you'd have to do everything the same, right? My husband used to jostle the babies playfully a lot more, like, you know, toss them gently into the air, and they loved it. And I'm like, oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness, I'm not going to do that. I might drop them. Right. But he was safe. He never dropped them. He was just loving them like a dad, and I was loving them like a mom, and they were both okay. They weren't hurting the kids in any way. It was just we chose different things, okay. And we could support that, right. I didn't have to throw them in the air. He didn't throw them high or anything. He just like and they had fun. And there are going to be differences like that, right? We're talking about are they going to be harmed? Are they going to be harmed? Or are they somebody that even if you find out that he fed them ice cream and let them watch TV while you were out, is he a safe person? Would he have cared about them if they weren't feeling well? Or would he say, oh, please don't eat that ice cream right now because your stomach might hurt? Would you trust his judgment? Another way to say that is would you trust your frail grandmother with him? So if somebody had to stay with your frail grandmother who was bedridden, would you trust him to attune to her and attend to her needs? Or would you feel like she wouldn't be safe? Like you wouldn't be sure, like, oh, my gosh, I better hurry and get back there so he doesn't drop her or doesn't say anything bad or doesn't hurt her in some way or isn't callous. So the most vulnerable people you can imagine loving would you trust this person and know that they have good for that person and that you can rest? If that's a no, that tells you something.
- Are you settling? Are you settling and settling often? Sounds like, well, this is great. I mean, yeah, there's this well, I mean, I think so, but well, I mean, I'd love this to change or if this happened, but nobody's perfect. It's kind of that minimizing of those things that if you're really honest with yourself and if it were like truth time, where all of your defenses, all of your desires to be with somebody, all of your hopes and dreams for what a romantic relationship looks like were to be able to step aside and you could just get real and honest with yourself in your heart and say, is this a settle for? And if there's any part of you that is like, actually, yeah, that is something to pay attention to.
- Do you feel safe in all areas with him? So is he somebody that you feel is mentally safe? So he respects your thoughts; he respects your right to think differently than him. He respects your feelings. He respects your needs, your perspective, your hopes, your desires. You know that you are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, communication wise safe with him. That doesn't mean, again, that he's perfect or that you will always agree on every nuance of things, but it means that he is safe to be with, talk with, share with, hear, negotiate with, in a respectful, supportive, connected way. Now, some people don't know how to do that. That's a skill that can be learned. But it's more the heart condition, the mental condition, the spiritual condition. Are they willing to learn? Are they willing to put in what it takes to be able to do that and gain those skills? Or are they somebody that you really can't trust, you can't feel safe with? Like, if you really had to say, did they get me? Did they get me at my core? Or am I having to stay guarded in some way, or am I having to deny my feelings? Or am I having to pretend I don't have those thoughts or feelings to be able to have this relationship with them? Those are red flags if those things come up.
- Are you better together than alone? Does he make you a better version of yourself? And I'm not saying he can make you be a better version of yourself, but when you're with him, does he contribute things that you're like that helps me to rise to a different level in myself. He's like refining you, like iron sharpens iron. And you can do that for him again. Neither one of you are going to be perfect. You're going to be unique individuals, but iron sharpens iron. We are both together, and we make each other stronger because of being together. We make each other more powerful, more impactful. We encourage each other. We're better together than we are alone.
- Do the people you trust in your life think this is a good match? Do they think this is a good idea, or do they have concerns? Now, you can decide whether you agree or disagree, that those are valid concerns. You have a right to think for yourself. But if there are people that you have in your trusted circle, for some reason they've been there. You go to them. You care about what they think. You think that they have your best interest at heart. They know where you are and the ways of the Lord and where you struggle and what you're dealing with. And these are solid people that you have in your corner. Again, not that they're not human, not that they're perfect, but that you can trust them. And if these people don't think this is a good idea or are bringing concerns to your attention, are you paying attention? Sometimes we try to close that out. Oh, yeah, they're just jealous. Oh, well they don't understand. Oh, well, they don't know if you're basically saying, yeah, but that's another area of a red flag. Because the people who you really can trust, the people who are safe, the people who are healthy and have a history of that in your life, most likely, if you know that they are somebody who cares about you, they are not taking it lightly to tell you their concerns. So it's worth giving a listen to and at least considering for yourself.
- Can he admit when he is wrong? And along with that, is he willing to course correct when he goes off path, whether accidentally or he realizes, oh my gosh, that was a bad idea or whatever, is he willing to course correct not to deflect, but to take ownership and go, oh gosh, I did mess up there. Let's do it this way instead, or I'm going to work on this, or here's what I'm doing to improve here, right? Is he willing to repent? Is he willing to ask for forgiveness of some willful sin? Is he willing to change his ways when he accidentally did something and he's like, there's got to be a way that I can continue to be aware of this so that I can continue to grow. So is he able to admit when he is wrong and to correct his course without blame, guilt, deflection?
- What is his history? Are they somebody who has learned from past failures and corrected them and done things God's way? What is his history? And I, again, don't mean he's had to be perfect or not have a history, but when you look at his history and the patterns in his life, if he has abused his previous girlfriend physically and you're like, oh, but he's never laid a hand on me. But he's never gone to anger management. He's never been able to tell you the work he's put in on it. He's never been able but you know what, I don't handle it that way anymore. I have other skills. Then there's a difference between, okay, in the past when I was struggling, I took this out on my girlfriend, and I deeply regret it, and I've repented and I've made amends with her. I've gone to therapy. I've done the right things, and that is not me anymore, is a whole different story than, yeah, well, I'd never hit you. I just did that to her because she was a real witch. It's like, no, that's about your behavior, buddy. So we're not going to minimize, we're not going to blame anybody else. If there has not been a change from past destruction, past sins, then that is likely to replicate again. So you need to be aware of that. So we want some proof, some fruit, some evidence that something different has happened. He's taken personal accountability and repented and changed and implemented and worked and done the hard work that needs to be done to make a new future, not repeat the past.
- Are you heard when you talk to him? Does he hear you or does he try to control you? Does he hear you and validate your words and try to understand and try to meet your needs? Doesn't mean he'll be able to meet every need, doesn't mean he'll be able to fix everything. But is his heart in a posture where you are valid, your thoughts are valid, your feelings are valid, your concerns are valid, your needs are valid, and you feel heard, you don't feel minimized, criticized, any of that blame, shame, or guilt we talked about earlier. You feel respected, heard, valid, and equal as a human being who has a right to expect to be treated well in a relationship.
- This is more of a body sensation. Do you feel relief when you see him? When he comes over after work and is like, hey, I'm here to pick you up for dinner and he shows up, do you feel relief or do you feel yourself kind of tightening up? Does your body run to him or run away from him? Do your arms swing open wide like, oh, I get to hug and kiss you? Or do you feel like you have to put up a protective barrier? Our bodies often know whether this person is safe or not, no matter what we try to tell them with our heads as to whether someone's safe or not. But to be able to know my body feels at peace with you or is my body on edge or tight or anxious?
Those are ten tips. They're certainly not all of the things that you could ask, but they're things to get you thinking. They're things that you can maybe pray about, consider, and look for.
