Mental Health for Christian Women | Mental Health for Christian Women, LLC

Do you doubt yourself a lot and overthink? It could be that you've been in relationship with somebody who is gaslighting you.

Before we jump in, I want to give you the rest of my Top 10 Deal Breakers from this week's newsletter...

My Top Ten Deal Breakers - i.e. I'm not going to let people who do these things across my boundaries.

Manipulating what the Bible says for their own benefit and not what it actually says.
Using put-downs as "humor." "Joking" at the expense of others.
Minimizing the effect their words or actions have had on me or others in a negative regard, when the truth is told to them.
Name calling.
Shaming.
Criticizing others without doing anything to be part of a solution.
Causing drama by what they say or what they do not say.
Putting others down to boost themselves up.
Blame Shifting.
Game playing.

So, let's talk about today's message on gaslighting...

As you may know, this concept comes from an old 1944 movie where a newlywed wife is married to this guy, and he's messing with her mind by dimming the gaslights so that she didn't even know if she was losing her mind or not because he was manipulating the environment in a practically normal way, but it was messing with her perception.

Why Do People Gaslight and Is It of God?

Oftentimes, people gaslight because they want to have some form of control or a sense of power, and then they try to manipulate and honestly just kind of change what people are thinking so they can feel insecure in themselves and in the relationship, so that these people who are gas-lighters can control them. That's why this gaslighting thing is so wrong. It's so insidious, and God doesn't like it. In 2 Timothy 1:7, it says, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Gaslighting goes against the ability to keep a sound mind. It tries to slowly eat away at what you know about yourself and what you know about your own motives and your own understanding of your own feelings.

Gaslighting Impact Over Time and Recognizing This

In fact, when someone has been gaslit repeatedly over time, it can be difficult for them to answer for themselves regarding their own experiences, needs, intent for doing things, and motivations because they have been so manipulated by the abuser that they have internalized the abuser's messages. So even after the abuser stops mentally manipulating them and emotionally abusing them in this way, such as, if they move out of the home where their parents were narcissists or manipulating gas-lighters, they might start to gaslight themselves because the information is in there. It's as if you can't trust yourself, your motivations are wrong, and you should second guess everything because someone else knows better than you as to what your motivations, feelings, and needs are, and this is wrong. It's like the accuser lives in the mind of the victim at times, and it keeps the victim doing these mental gymnastics.

This gaslighting just makes it so hard to know what is up and what is down and what is left and what is right. It feels like the world is some sort of funhouse where the mirrors are distorting the reality and the perceptions. What does that sound like? Those accusations, those deceptions? That's not of God. That's the enemy. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those who are His. And so those accusations are not of God. If you are doubting your own thoughts and motivations, rethinking why you say things, what you're feeling, what you're doing, and what you're experiencing, you may be experiencing gaslighting in some of your relationships.

Let me restate this for emphasis. If you are being mentally sabotaged and condemned for having your own thoughts, feelings, needs, intentions, motivations, and perspectives, it is not of God. God Himself gave you the gift of free will, and He will not manipulate you. In healthy relationships, people can both have their perspectives and respect each other, even if they disagree.

Anybody who is trying to take away your free will ability to make your own choices, to think for yourself, to know why you're doing the things you're doing, and to take actions that are good for you is behaving in a controlling and possibly toxic manner towards you. They may have a personality disorder, or they may merely be horrible at their own self-regulation and not be able to tolerate other people doing things differently. If you're wondering as to what in the world is going on here and it seems like there's a bait and switch and the people you might be considering right now have you asking could they be gas-lighters because sometimes they're nice to you or they do what's called love bombing you, and then sometimes they just leave you feeling really confused and really manipulated and down on yourself, that's toxic manipulation.

Are You the One Who Is Toxic? It's Not My Circus and Not My Monkeys!

One of my favorite sayings is: It's not my circus and not my monkeys. First, be sure that it's not you who is toxic. Here's how you can tell that you are not the one with a personality disorder and you are not the one who is being toxic in a relationship:

Are you willing to apologize when you hurt someone? Are you willing to believe that you are not perfect or that you may have accidentally done something that you need to say you're sorry for? If so, this is a really good sign, because healthy people can apologize when they've done something wrong or when something's brought to their attention.

Are you willing to reflect and see if you could be contributing to a difficult situation? To put yourself in someone else's shoes to see the situation from their viewpoint doesn't mean you have to agree, but can you empathize? Are you willing to understand, even if you disagree, to understand where someone is coming from and willing for them to be separate in their thoughts and actions, and that their desires and understanding is something they have a right to have their own mind about? If so, it is unlikely that you have a personality disorder that is then gaslighting other people because you're self-reflective.

In situations where people are not healthy, they often make it so that others have to come to them to have any connection. They don't go that extra mile for others because it's all about them having control. It's all about them having a sense of superiority. It's all about them getting some sort of payoff that makes them feel better about themselves. If you have the capacity to hear other people and respect them and work with them and find ways to meet them in the middle, where you can actually talk things out respectfully and either come to an agreement or resolution, or respectfully come to an understanding where you each can understand each other's needs without trying to coerce or manipulate, that's a healthy relationship. But if it's this invisible push and pull, this tug for power and control in some way, that's manipulation and that's emotional abuse.

So, if someone continuously brings you their chaotic monkeys and their circus, and you're fine until you interact with them, and then you start doing that thing where down is up and up is down, it's okay to recognize you are not wrong. You are not wrong for disagreeing with things that are sin. You are not wrong for saying, I don't agree with you, and I have my own viewpoints, feelings, and thoughts. If you are feeling put in a lesser position than someone else, it is okay to notice if they are not appropriate and they are trying to blame, shame, or guilt you. You are not wrong if you did not do anything sinful and you did not do anything wrong.

You Do Not Need Validation from Toxic People

Even if someone thinks you shouldn't feel or act a certain way or wish that you wouldn't because it goes against what's convenient for them in their own agenda, it's okay for you to stand on truth if you're not the toxic one. It's okay to let your truth be validated within yourself. The gas-lighters will try to invalidate your perception of yourself. They'll try to invalidate your perspectives, and you do not need the approval of toxic individuals. You do not suddenly become wrong simply because someone toxic disagrees with you and gives you pushback. You do not become wrong simply because somebody toxic does not see things through a clear lens. You do not need validation from people who are not able to see the reality of the situation. You know your experience. You do not need to allow or engage with toxic, disrespectful, or manipulative people or their behaviors.

Gaslighting Is Psychological Abuse

Anything that breaches your boundaries is emotional abuse. Anything that gives you the message that you are the one who needs fixing because there is something wrong with you simply for having a voice or a choice. Anytime you're trying to be honest, and you are being discounted, that can be abusive. If someone denies your reality and then uses it to manipulate you so they have some form of power or control about the way they interact with you or because it makes them look good to twist things, that's also abusive. It's emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and manipulation where someone is attempting to make you doubt your own perceptions, feelings, memories, experiences, and sanity.

They may deny that they've said certain things or done certain things. They may tell you you're too sensitive. They may blame you for things that aren't your fault. They may twist things to try to get the upper hand in relationships. They might triangulate you and leave out some information and tell other people different parts of things so that it looks like you're the crazy one. It is so confusing when you deal with these people because they are not healthy, and so you're going to end up feeling crazier if you expect them to validate your experience, because they won't. They will validate what suits them for their purposes. They are not interested in playing fair.

They are interested in gaining the upper hand. These people are insecure. These people are out for themselves. They're selfish and self-focused. The only way they feel they can gain the upper hand is by playing dirty. If you try to call them on it, they'll deny it. If you get too close, they might rage. They might end up just totally deflecting and raging so they can stop feeling like they are doing the wrong thing that they actually are because they can't handle the truth.

That is unfortunate because when people are healthy, we can have healthy dialogue. We can have respectful relationships. There's not a one up, one down kind of mentality. It's where we can work together and each be individuals and respect each other even if we disagree.

If you notice you are in situations where you do not physically feel safe around somebody or you feel like you are constantly spinning, being put down, and second guessing whether something took place or not because they deny your reality, it is very possible you are in a relationship with a person who has toxic behaviors and does not have good communication.

They might say that you're not playing fair or you're being too sensitive. As I said before, that's a deal breaker because nobody gets to tell you that you're being too sensitive or the level of emotions that you're allowed to have. Maybe they'll tell you that you should be over this by now, or why keep bringing something up? Well, maybe you're bringing something up because it's still hurtful and trying to have dialogue about it, and they dismiss your thoughts, feelings, and needs. That is also not okay. Anything that shifts the blame onto you for their own actions and shortcomings and anything that makes you feel crazy is not your fault. That's their circus. That's their monkeys.

Moving Forward; Have a Plan

Take cautious steps. Document it. Write it down so that or take a witness with you so that they can back you up to verify this is being twisted and it's not on you. If you don't feel safe, find a way to get to safety. You don't want to just do a knee jerk reaction to get out of this type of situation. Give it some thought, prayer, and consideration to make sure you are safe.

If they tell you you're overreacting, that's another tip off. Again, they're trying to qualify how you feel and to what level. They don't like you to own your feelings. They don't like you to own your voice. They don't like you to own your choices because they feel it diminishes them whereas healthy people know we can grow together, and we can respect each other even if we disagree. We can encourage each other. Like iron sharpens iron. People who use gaslighting, they aren't interested in fair play. You know, if they tell you that you are wrong, when it's not a matter that's up for debate and you didn't do anything sinful or wrong, they're wrong. It's okay to know it. It's okay to stand in truth and not be shamed or blamed, not be minimized, and not be put down. It's very important to know your truth, to know your motivations, to know what you have and have not done, and to not doubt them.

You May Need to Grieve that Loss

It's also important not to expect the toxic person to validate your experiences or to give you something that they have historically not been able to give. You may need to grieve that loss because the respect and the validation aren't able to come from that person, especially if it's a parent or a spouse you wish could see things more clearly, rather than use their toxic ways against you. You may need to grieve that loss. Look at what people are capable of and don't expect them to be more capable than they have historically shown they are capable of being. It's really hard sometimes to recognize the truth. That's why I think it's very important to discuss this because so many people come into therapy because the people who should be in therapy aren't. I want you to know that if you simply want to get along with people and want to be respected, that's not toxic; that's healthy.

So, Memorial Day a few years ago, my husband, our daughters, and I went out on a lake at a local park. Two of us had a kayak, and two of us had a canoe. The mom that I am, I was trying to take pictures of my girls, and I was like, oh, look, let's capture this. Well, in doing so, I told them to come closer, and we capsized. We tumbled over...not the girls, but my husband and me. Oh, look, there's my girls, get a picture, uh oh, we're going down in slow motion, yet it was happening really fast. My husband was saying, don't let the phones get wet, and then we went into the water.

Who Will Save Us?

The thing about going into the water that I didn't quite get was this wasn't Disney World. I kid you not! I thought, the ride operators will come, and they will rescue us. They will help us out of this water. There are no ride operators in a park. It was a quick a wakeup call. We were on our own. I mean, yes, we had our daughters in the kayak next to us, and they were willing to help, but my husband and I could not get back in the canoe. Like, this isn't something we do all the time. This isn't something we've practiced or had lessons on or anything. We had life jackets on, so I am thankful for that, but it was too deep to push off the bottom of the lake, and the canoe was too wobbly and rocking for us to get ourselves in. The water was being taken on. We were in the center of the lake. There was no place to push off of. There was no side rail. There was nothing. And we weren't at Disney anymore. You know, we weren't in Kansas any longer. We weren't in Disney world anymore. It was like, this is real stuff here.

We sink or swim, literally, or we just bob around out here and float, and that's only going to last so long. I could not compute this, that they weren't coming to rescue us. We had to do something ourselves to paddle our way back and not only get ourselves back but get our canoe back. Now, fortunately, there were people on a kayak next to us, and it was quite embarrassing, because even these two little kids, they must have been like two and four, were just sitting there watching, and there's a cooler in its own kayak. This family is like, they're used to this stuff. They were prepared. They were having fun. They were relaxing. But my husband and I are, like, just trying to stay above water, even with the flotation devices on us. It was really uncomfortable. They came over and helped guide the canoe. We could put one arm on the canoe and paddle with the other, but we still had to do the work. We still had to swim all the 20 minutes back to shore. I am not a swimmer, and I was tired, and I'm a germaphobe. There were all kinds of, I don't know what in that water, but it was not clean looking. I had absolutely nothing else to do at that moment but suck it up, buttercup, and get going. Like, how long do you want to prolong this? Do you just want to stay here, bobbing up and down in water or would you like to get going so that you can get through this already and get to the other side and breathe, get out from the stuff that is making you feel like you're being pulled under and actually get to higher ground?

Jesus Rescues Us, But We Can't Just Bob through Life

I say that because that lesson was a rude awakening, and yet we do it all the time. We overlook things that are our responsibilities as if we're waiting for somebody to come rescue us. Jesus already did come rescue us, but we actually have to do our part. He's the one with the rescue boat like those people that came alongside us with the canoe right and made sure we got to shore, were safe, and didn't drown, but we were also responsible for paddling. Now, it's not something we earn, right? It's something that is a grace given to us, this salvation and this power of the Holy Spirit that the Lord gives us when we're saved. But it doesn't mean we just sit there and bob up and down in life and then wait for God to rescue us. Out of our difficult circumstances, we are entrusted to actually do the work.

In fact, work was in the Garden of Eden. It was in Adam and Eve's job description before the fall of humanity, before they ate the forbidden fruit from the tree that they shouldn't have, they were to work the land. We have responsibilities. We have tasks. We need to sow good things so that we reap good things.

My Takeaways from the Boating Mishap

If you are going to sow something, take responsibility to plant something that is going to reap something life giving.
Don't expect this is some imaginary Disney movie or Disneyland ride where people are going to say, oh, here, let me help you with that. There are people to help. We do need support. God is with us, but we need to take responsibility.
What are you avoiding today that taking immediate action is actually going to get you to the other side so much faster? To take responsibility and not just wait for somebody else to do the stuff.

Things Don't Magically Get Done

As I started spring cleaning and decluttering, I noticed that there were things that I'd been tolerating, I'd been putting up with as if they were going to magically change on their own. For example, magically the silverware drawer that I try to pull out isn't off the tracks or the transition strip between the new flooring that we put down in one of the bedrooms and the carpet was going to magically appear when I didn't buy one or install it when we did the renovation or the hinge on this hope chest that we have that's been broken for years was somehow magically going to fix itself. So, I went to Lowe's and if you follow on Instagram, you'll be able to see my haul $40 later. I have about seven items that are going to fix those minor inconveniences, and I'm actually going to do them. And guess what they're going to do? They are going to save me minutes, hours, months, and years of frustration, but I have to take the time to actually implement them and do them and go forward.

You cannot expect different results if you're not going to put in the elbow grease every now and then. You get a nice benefit of how well that worked out. I didn't deserve that. That was easier than expected. A lot of times God expects us to swim alongside Him to sow good seeds. So, we reap good things when we take personal responsibility rather than assuming things are magically or miraculously going to get worse or better. No, we are where we are, and we need to do something with it. We need to work the land. Whatever our land is in our neck of the woods, we need to work the land. So those are my three things. Stop waiting for someone to rescue you, take charge, be a good steward, and go live your life.

Excuses Won't Get You End Results

I like to listen to this woman, Cass from the "Clutterbug." She's a woman who had a show for a couple of seasons about decluttering houses called Hot Mess House. If you need some help with that. Like I said, I'm decluttering right now. She's been a huge inspiration. I love her podcast. If anybody knows her and can connect me with her, please email me at michelle@mentallhealthforchristianwomen.com, and I'd love to interview her, but she just has absolutely given me the pep talk I need. A recent podcast that she had was basically saying that she was making excuses about not working out with a personal trainer. They weren't lies, really. They really were reasonable things, but they weren't going to get her the end results. She said that the personal trainer basically told her that if she wanted to see progress, she had to stop making excuses. I think that really underlies a lot of what I'm saying here.

If we want something to be different, we need to stop throwing up our hands and assuming it can't be different, we actually have to do something about it. Pray about it. Take the action, make the plans. Take the steps. God will redirect. Don't be afraid of getting it wrong. When you love the Lord and are called according to His purpose, He lives inside of you. In Him you live and move and have your being, so you don't have to worry about it. It's not like He's this cosmic I'm going to get you if you misstep out of my will, so you have to fear and do nothing. No, He's a creative God. He's a God of responsibility. He's a God of love. Take the steps. Trust in Him. Do the things.

Just Start Swimming

Certainly, if you're waiting for somebody to start swimming for you, if you find yourself capsized in the middle of a lake, just start swimming. Just keep swimming. What do we do? But we swim, swim, swim. Just like finding Nemo. We just keep going. We keep swimming. We do the next right thing, the one thing that's going to make the biggest difference. That may be things like pitching the clutter that is taking up space in your home, that may be fixing the hinges or the drawer puller outer thingies like I'm going to do today and, in all love, just suck it up, buttercup. You're going to be fine. One step at a time. Take the action now. Stop delaying and expecting good results to just happen. Work with God, not against Him. Go with the flow. Don't swim upstream. Don't make it harder than it has to be, and certainly don't wait around and a year from now, find yourself in the exact same place. Whatever it is you need to take charge of. Do it. You will feel so much freer. Your mind will be less cluttered, too.