Have you ever noticed that there are people who think it's all about them, that everything has to revolve around them and their needs and their moods? If so, you may be experiencing someone who has a personality disorder. Today we're going to be talking about narcissistic personality disorder. In our last episode, we talked about gaslighting. Gaslighting is mental manipulation that some people like to do to make others doubt themselves, to make others feel crazy, and to kind of get the upper hand.
One of the personality disorders that gaslighting is very aligned to is called narcissistic personality disorder. What is a personality disorder, you might ask? Well, you're about to find out over the next several weeks, because I'm going to be doing episodes on personality disorders. They are basically what are called cluster B personality disorders that I'm going to cover. These are the ones that are dramatic and emotional having basically this pervasive pattern dysfunction in relationships and areas of functioning that is long lasting and causes difficulty in interpersonal experiences.
If you're on the receiving end of somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder, you may wonder what in the world is going on because if you're not aware of what it is, it can feel like they're trying to tell you that the way they see things is the way it is, and, you know that's not the way it is, but that is how they see things, and then they're insistent on getting their way. It can be part of that crazy making, and we do no more crazy, ladies! So, I want you to know when somebody may have personality disorder traits.
Now, before we jump into those 9 traits, I want to share this week's newsletter's final thoughts for...
4 "Should" Lies that Mess with Christian Women's Minds:
Have you ever felt like your sense of what is right, true, actual, or factual has been twisted by someone else? Maybe you've had someone tell you you don't feel the way you do, or maybe someone denies that something you know happened actually happened. When someone else undermines your sense of truth, it is dangerous ground, but here are six lies that seem "Christian" but aren't.
Anytime that the words, "should," "always," and "never" appear in a sentence, my ears perk up, and my mind starts analyzing because these are often statements that are not fully true. It may be that some part of the sentence is true, but often, things may sound true and absolute that are really more general and without reflection may actually be harmful.
The lies that good Christian girls/women:
1. Should always submit to those in authority. Biblical authority and submission are definitely concepts that have their rightful place and applications, but this blanket belief is dangerous because not all "authorities" are in line with God's authority, and God's is the highest authority. Remember how Nebuchadnezzar wanted all to bow to him? He was an authority figure, but Daniel would not sin and bow, as Daniel was under the Lord's authority, and not to bow to idols. See Daniel 3, Psalm 118:8-9.
2. Should always put others above themselves. We are human, and we do have "selves" to steward. We do not have endless time, energy, and resources to take on all of the needs of the world just because others bring them to our doorstep. Jesus regularly took time to get away and pray, and He is the Savior. God is the One to always put above ourselves and live for, but He is also a good God who gave us bodies that need rest and food and time to pray and seek Him. Luke 5:16.
3. Should never feel angry. Feelings are part of being human. Who made humans? Yes, God. It is not wrong to feel our feelings; there is righteous anger. However, in our anger, we are told to not sin. This is different. This is responsibility for our thoughts and actions that accompany our feelings. What we do with the information is the important thing, and feelings are simply information from our internal and external environments. We can choose wisely how God would have us to act. See Ephesians 4:26.
4. Should always obey the "rules, be nice, be seen and not heard." Whose rules are these? Are they God's, or are they contrary to God's ways? Speaking the truth in love and having a gentle answer that turns away wrath are concepts that can allow even the most difficult things to be shared and help us to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron. However, if someone is not willing to be sharpened when truth is appropriately shared with them, then it may be a time to "shake the dust from your sandals." See Ephesians 4:15, and Matthew 10:14.
Looking at the overall big picture of God's truth and love can help us to break free from the toxic lies that try to put others and evil things in the place of God in our lives. You are always free to disagree with others.
Anytime that the words, "should," "always," and "never" appear in a sentence, my ears perk up, and my mind starts analyzing because these are often statements that are not fully true. It may be that some part of the sentence is true, but often, things may sound true and absolute that are really more general and without reflection may actually be harmful.
The lies that good Christian girls/women:
1. Should always submit to those in authority. Biblical authority and submission are definitely concepts that have their rightful place and applications, but this blanket belief is dangerous because not all "authorities" are in line with God's authority, and God's is the highest authority. Remember how Nebuchadnezzar wanted all to bow to him? He was an authority figure, but Daniel would not sin and bow, as Daniel was under the Lord's authority, and not to bow to idols. See Daniel 3, Psalm 118:8-9.
2. Should always put others above themselves. We are human, and we do have "selves" to steward. We do not have endless time, energy, and resources to take on all of the needs of the world just because others bring them to our doorstep. Jesus regularly took time to get away and pray, and He is the Savior. God is the One to always put above ourselves and live for, but He is also a good God who gave us bodies that need rest and food and time to pray and seek Him. Luke 5:16.
3. Should never feel angry. Feelings are part of being human. Who made humans? Yes, God. It is not wrong to feel our feelings; there is righteous anger. However, in our anger, we are told to not sin. This is different. This is responsibility for our thoughts and actions that accompany our feelings. What we do with the information is the important thing, and feelings are simply information from our internal and external environments. We can choose wisely how God would have us to act. See Ephesians 4:26.
4. Should always obey the "rules, be nice, be seen and not heard." Whose rules are these? Are they God's, or are they contrary to God's ways? Speaking the truth in love and having a gentle answer that turns away wrath are concepts that can allow even the most difficult things to be shared and help us to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron. However, if someone is not willing to be sharpened when truth is appropriately shared with them, then it may be a time to "shake the dust from your sandals." See Ephesians 4:15, and Matthew 10:14.
Looking at the overall big picture of God's truth and love can help us to break free from the toxic lies that try to put others and evil things in the place of God in our lives. You are always free to disagree with others.
Let's get back to those 9 traits of a Narcissist...
Now, I'm not diagnosing people. I'm not saying that you should diagnose people. Diagnosis is for the clinical therapy room, but for the purposes of this, I want you to have a general overview over the next several weeks of these cluster B personality disorders, because it will make sense of a lot of things where maybe it didn't make sense to you before. Maybe you kept holding out hope things could be different only to have a repeat and you're being the one hurt by somebody who has these personality disorder traits.
So, there are four types of dramatic emotional personality disorders in this cluster B: narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. We're going to start with narcissistic personality disorder. To have that diagnosis, there have to be five out of nine traits, and I'm going to share those with you.
But, What's a Diagnosis?
First, let me talk to you about diagnosis. So, technically, the medical model of the psychotherapy field is based on the medical model, which means we need to rule out things. We need to figure out what's actually going on and tease out what the diagnosis is. Now, you may have heard me say this before: I'm not personally a fan of diagnosing because people are so much more than their labels. That's how I feel. I feel like people are so much more than their labels. It's genetics. It's what's happened to them. It's their experience. It's what they got in their attachment and what they didn't get. So as far as noticing what we are treating, it's helpful to have a diagnostic criterion that we are able to put a label so that we know what we're treating, we know what we're looking at, and we know maybe if there are more than one of these diagnoses that apply to somebody. It's more for helping to decipher what is going on. The reason I don't like labels is there's a stigma to them making people feel like they fit into a box, when very often at the root of a lot of it is genetics or environment, and often it's trauma. We live in a world where we all get wounded at times, and that can be traumatic, so that's why I don't like labels. I think that oftentimes people get a lot of labels when really, underneath all of it is a lot of trauma, and it just kind of manifests in certain ways.
To get back to narcissistic personality disorder, the reason this is something that is very important to understand is because we all fall on a continuum of a level of narcissism. If you think about a less to more kind of line and you say, okay, I have fewer of these traits, or they have more of these traits, it's something that having a sense of self has a bit of a narcissistic trait to it, right? You have a sense of self, but that's not in a negative way. That's not a harmful thing. It's good to have a sense of self. Having a sense of self, though, that exploits other people is not healthy. There's a continuum of how much is healthy and how much is toxic.
9 Traits of a Narcissist
Let's go through these nine traits so that you can get a grasp of the things that you might want to keep in mind if you consider that someone may be higher on these narcissistic traits and possibly even have narcissistic personality disorder. You need to have five of these to qualify for the narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis.
- A grandiose sense of self-importance that they expect to be seen as superior even without the achievements to back it up.
- Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty.
- Belief in being, "special and unique," only able to be understood by other special people.
- Requiring excessive admiration.
- Sense of entitlement, expecting favorable treatments or automatic compliance.
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want.
- Lacking empathy and unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of other people.
- Envy of others, believing that others are envious of them.
- Arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
If somebody exhibits five out of those nine, they may qualify for narcissistic personality disorder. That's troubling is if you are on the receiving end in a relationship with somebody who fantasizes themselves as being better than, or who is good at demanding excessive admiration or being critical of others because they're so high and mighty, or they lack empathy, they can do real damage. They can do real damage because if people are trusting them as somebody without a personality disorder, you might think you can talk with them. You might think that you can reason with them. You might think there could be this give and take and some apologies and understanding and further growth, but that's often not going to happen. In fact, it's likely not going to happen. These people often cannot apologize. These people often know how to kind of play well, but internally, it's all about them. They don't really get it. They don't really have that ability to empathize with the feelings and needs of other people. It's all about them. People are merely pawns. If they can't give them their narcissistic supply, they have no use for them. If you try to talk with them like you would with a person without this personality disorder and work things through, you're more likely to get rage, put downs, or blame where they twist the tables.
This goes back to that gaslighting concept we talked about in the last episode.
All cluster B personality disorders have trouble managing emotions. They have attention seeking behavior, hypersensitivity, impulsivity, unpredictability, lack of inhibition, and the rules don't apply to them. So, no wonder it is so frustrating for those of us without personality disorders, because when the rules don't apply to other people and it's all about them, there is no way for this sense of fairness to take place in relationships. So, it's really hard to figure out how to be safe in interactions with people with these traits. If that is something you have experienced where you just don't quite know what it is, but you just feel unseen in relationships and you feel like it always goes back to the topic of conversation, being this other person, that this other person has so many needs and ideas about the way they see the world and criticizes how other people do things and expects them to have some sort of higher, admirable traits that others should see, you may be dealing with somebody high on the narcissistic spectrum. They may even qualify for five out of those nine traits that indicate they could have narcissistic personality disorder.
What Do You Do if You Have a Relationship with a Narcissist?
So, what do you do about this? Let's say this is someone you care about. Let's say this is a spouse or a parent or a good friend, right? What do you do about this? Well, unfortunately, there's very little that seems to be effective because the problem is that these people do not see they can do any wrong. It's actually rooted in deep insecurity within them, but they've put on this mask, this armor, or this barrier that no one's going to penetrate into that permeable soft part inside. They have to put on this hard external shell as if things don't bother them, but they do, and they don't know how to manage their own emotions. So, it's this difficult situation. If you try to point it out to them, they have difficulty being able to admit it because that would be letting down their armor, letting down their guard. While that could actually help them, if they could tolerate it, tolerating that is almost worse than having these issues in relationships because at least with the entitlement and grandiose sense of self in some way they're still admired and they're still getting a narcissistic supply.
So, it's really frustrating because there can be really good people, perhaps you're one of them, who really wish you could have an authentic, empathetic, reciprocal relationship with somebody you care about who has a narcissistic personality, and instead they can't see it and if you try to point it out, you become the target of blame. They project onto you, their shame. They project onto you, their wrongs. They make things twisted so that it seems like you're the problem when you're not. It can be really heartbreaking.
You may want to get them into therapy, or they may want to go into therapy, and if so, it's also unlikely that it's going to change anything. Because to have therapy be effective, they would have to stay in it, and they would have to actually let down that armor and that guard so that they could heal. But because they're so insecure on that deep, soft level inside them and they can't tolerate that because that doesn't protect their insecurities, it's not likely that they will stay in therapy. It's actually very, very sad. It's thought that there may be a genetic component to this, that they couldn't live up to a parent's excessive admiration, or they kind of had some dismissal in their early life. There can be different things that lead to this, but it's very sad because the only person that is really being harmed, when it comes down to it, is the person with this diagnosis. They put this front on, so that they won't be hurt, and it's kind of a self-fulfilling hurt thing. They just kind of do that.
Only the Narcissist Hurts Once You Know the Signs
Then the reason I say the only person that's hurt isn't true in the sense that many other people are hurt. When you are in relationship with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder, but if you can understand the traits and realize, oh, that's them, that's the way it is, we can still hope and pray for miracles. Yet thinking about how pervasive this is and historically, have they've ever been able to give you something more connected, more authentic, more reciprocal? If not, and you notice this, it doesn't have to hurt you anymore. When you know, then you need to grieve what you wish you had in that relationship and what they may have even told you you had in that relationship, like, oh, this is the best relationship. A good relationship is when two people feel that way and are healthy. When it's only working for one person, that's not a healthy, good relationship. Relationships have to work for both people in them. When I say it only hurts them is because when the people who are their supply wise up and learn techniques such as gray rocking, which is where you just don't engage with the drama anymore. You become about as interesting as a gray rock. There's nothing that supplies them anymore. Your own life has so much more peace in it because you're not tossed by the waves of their need for excessive admiration or control. You just don't play anymore. You take your ball and go home. That's why it's so sad, because they're left with no one to play with, and understandably so. But then you can grieve, lick your wounds, heal, be wiser for it, and go seek out the healthy relationships that are out there for you. But it is sad because they are kind of left just to their own devices in a world of their own making. Unfortunately, it's very lonely in there. Very, very lonely. Because when you can't connect with somebody on a real, authentic basis, you are missing out on doing life together with people who can lift you up. Again, that iron sharpens iron where someone can lift you up and you can lift them up, so that's why it's very tragic.
But if this is somebody in your life you care about, you can let them know. But be warned, it may not go well because that would require them being able to accept some form of critique that usually ends up in rage. So, taking care of yourself, getting people around you who understand, explaining where you're coming from and what you've experienced with safe people, can help bring healing to you. The Bible has different passages about how it's important to have traits of good character. A lot of the narcissistic personality disorder traits are against that. It's not okay, but it is tragic.
If you need help to process what's been going on in your relationships, I urge you to seek out therapy from somebody who is well versed in personality disorders, abusive relationships, gaslighting, and trauma. Those are the types of therapists who can really help you because there's been a lot of emotional abuse and mental abuse going on behind the scenes you may never have realized.
So next time we're going to go into another one of the personality disorders, borderline personality disorder, and we'll talk more about that. If you think you may have narcissistic personality disorder or be high on the narcissist spectrum, I just want to encourage you that you can go to a therapist and tell them that you have trouble tolerating emotions that make you feel less than, and they can work with you on being able to tolerate that without it causing you undue distress. You may have to sit there with some distress, but they can work with you bit by bit. You have to be willing to admit you need help and that it's getting in the way your relationships and your functioning in life. So, I'll talk to you next time about borderline personality disorder.
I want to remind you that our Membership Community is opening up again in June. In the Membership Community, you get weekly access to coaching with me, and you get support in community whether you're online, live, or whether you watch the replay and email or text. In the community, you get support, and you get clarity for stopping the mental circles in your head so that you can take strides in your life from a place of confidence and peace and power as God designed you to.
